Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Liza-Dick-Barb Day!!!

And then there were none. He'd taken his bounty, the only way he knew how. You don't mess around with them demons. Things are signed, good times are had, fame and fortuitousness flow like wine.
"But everything has a price, yesh it does..."
Don't it though?
So I'm set to walk my ass around the frozen tundra, keeping my young'un safe from the bad peoples! Then, I guess we go check out the haunted house put on by the local police department. It's in some garage/parking thing downtown, hope it doesn't suck. Last year they had it in some houses thta were later going to be demolished.
The sad thing is...
My costume was scarier than anything they had.
That's not good for business. I had kids way more scared than that. I had a ton of blood too. Good make up. Not sure if I have time to do anything today, or if I even feel like it. It's cold as the Dickens out there. I will at least make sure my daughter takes in a pretty good haul before I call it quits for the night.
"The stuff we used to do on this very night, years and years ago..."
Yeah, soaping windows and TP-ing the neighborhood seems to have gone out of style. I never did anything harmful to people or property though. Just more of an annoyance than anything else. I'm sure around here, someone will get stabbed or shot tonight.
I want to move far away. I hate it here.
I'm walkin' out of this town
I'm never going back there
I'm never going back there again...

To Wish Impossible Things...

And that I do.
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish
Is gone away


Sunday, October 29, 2006

Triple Axis of Evil!

Nick Swardson. Zach Galifianakis. Patton Oswalt. Check them out. Find their respective websites. Search their names in places like youtube. They are funny people with strange and different takes on life than most. You will like them. They make us laugh, why shouldn't they do the same to you?
Stop pussyfootin' around...

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Rush SAW Fox in the Matrix of Horror ...

I saw SAW III last night.
"I done seen it!"
And we, the people, found it to suck.
I give it an F. It is the Matrix of horror films. Alot of hype for a film about a whole lot of nothing. Lots of mindless dialogue, and his unflinching rules for "playing the game." Had some good effects in there, and the trailer for Hostel 2 was in German so it wasn't a total loss. I just didn't buy into the Saw movies like everyone else apparently did.
"But... but... it's the best new thing in gore since scream!"
I'm not believing it. I need new stuff like Slither...
Now that's an instant classic!
Another instant classic: Anything that had Michael J Fox in it in the 80's. And the Frighteners. Can't forget that one. So I happen upon the commercial with him in it. Wow, I can't believe this is what he's been put through. He's got so much passion for, and a great argument for too, stem cell research. I also SAW, hehe, the Rush Limbaugh video of him acting like Mike. Wow again. I used to like him, but this is yet another reason why I no longer do. Not cool. Fox's message is a clear and true one. When they don't use stem cells, they are destroyed. Most of the public are for it so break that shit out. Imagine what can be done if we can get moving on this most vital research.
"Rush, baby, bad call...
Michael J Fox is all that embodies the 80's.
You can't mess with that!
Get off them pills son.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Wonts and Needs of a Well-Hung Jury...

The universe is at peace once more.
But then again, I feel the familiar tingle coming on already. Is there not a moment's peace? I should go see a doctor because this is maddening. My leg muscles are constantly flexed in anticipation.
"Anticipation of what though...?"
Death would be welcome here, but I am wont to let it all play out to see what turns up in the wash. Besides, it all might just be in my head.
Or not.The jury is still out on that one...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Another One Down, Chiefie Wiefie...

To start off with, I didn't even get up until one o'clock. The score was already 20-3 Chiefs! I got up, took control of the situation, and plopped down to watch my beloved team let the San Diego Chargers right back in it. They kept talking about how the Chargers never let anyone get over a hundred yards rushing on them.
I guess that one is blown now. Larry Johnson came on strong today, as did Tony Gonzalez. They tried their best to squash my spirits but with a few seconds to spare, Lawrence Tynes completely redeemed himself of the earlier missed extra point, and kicked a 53 yard field goal to put it away. I'm sure he knew he was kicking to keep his job. It was originally a 48 yarder but they got a bogus flag a play earlier for a false start. I can eat my ribs in joyous peace now, they are slow cooking in the oven as we speak.
"With fried taters and corn on the cob!"
You can't beat that for a victory dinner. So they knocked one of the teams down easily that I had possibly expected them to lose to. Maybe Herm's plan is finally coming round to fruition? I doubt it, but they do seem to be dishing out a little more abuse than they are taking. Damon Huard is also not getting sacked like he was before either. Still a little slow but he's warming up. I'll give him that. I saw a couple of Chiefs take the Charger quarterback down with some special tag team style move that left him unsure where he was for a few moments. I also spied with my little eye, Big Ben from Pittsburg take a nasty three way sammich that took his butt out of the game and they lost in overtime I was told. Good, I've been pissed since they took us down a peg or ten in that last game.
The Chiefs could finish with ten or eleven wins this season. Although they are still quite shaky, I'd love to see them surprise everyone and take the whole enchilada.
Could you just imagine...?

Surrounded by Mein Own Treacherous Legions!

Why not see it all burn in the end, anyway.
"To a crisp..."

In the jungle of the senses
Tinkerbell and Jack the ripper
Love has no meaning not where they come from
But we know pleasure is not that simple
Very little fruit is forbidden
Sometimes we wobble sometimes we're strong
But you know evil is an exact science
Being carefully correctly wrong

We feel like Greeks we feel like Romans
Centaurs and monkeys just cluster round us
We drink elixirs that we refine
>From the juices of the dying
We are not monsters we're moral people
And yet we have the strength to do this
This is the splendor of our achievment
Call in the airstrike with a poison kiss

How bad it gets you can't imagine
The burning wax the breath of reptiles
God is not mocked he knows his business
Karma could take us at any moment
Cover him up I think we're finished
You know it's never been so exotic
But I don't know my dreams are visions
We could still end up with the great big fishes!

Priests and cannibals prehistoric animals
Everybody's happy as the dead come home
Big black nemesis parthenogenesis
No one move a muscle as the dead come home
I guess hell is what you make it. If only sinning didn't feel so damned good sometimes. What else are we to do to pass the time?
"When football isn't on..."
Have I hornswaggled my brain's perception of reality into believing the whisperings of a fragile ego all these years? I'm still not sure exactly where to point my finger in blame. The haunting truth comes crashing in.

"I smell cinnamon rolls!"
And then it's all justified again.
Rational thinking almost won out.
If I could just keep it at bay a little while longer...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Prestigiously Magical Fuck Over

Seems like I've been doing alot of movie reviews lately. I saw The Prestige today and I really liked it. A little long in the tooth though, but ponderous nonetheless. "What an intricate, head scratching storyline!"
What did you expect from the guys who brought you Memento?
I put my stamp of approval on this one, in fact, I'm giving it an A.
So it starts with Bale doing Jackman wrong by sorta causing his wife's death. Simple enough so far it seems. Hugh is wracked with grief and revenge consumes him...
Now he's really pissed off, and blows off a few of Christian's fingers. He also does not appreciate this very much. They embark on a real world game of FUCK YOUR NEIGHBOR, by trying to screw over each other's tricks and such, often to disastrous results.
"Chaos ensues!!!"
Mayhem abounds...
And in the end, I learned that sometimes the simple, logical things, that we tend to ignore, are the ones that can just as easily jump up and bite us in the ass.
How's that for cryptic? I don't think I really gave anything away on this one, nor did I want to. It's worth seeing, and although similar to The Illusionist era wise, it was quite a different story to be had. Both fantastic movies though, see them both if you get a chance. Much better fare than most of what else I've been exposed to. Or will soon be...
SAW 3 is one of them, and I saw a trailer for a new Will Ferrell movie sure to drop your IQ down a few notches. I pine for Ghost Rider. Also, just read news on the new Batman flick, The Dark Knight. I'm really psyched for it, although I question Heath Ledger as the Joker.
"We like Crispen Glover alot better..."
McFly-y-y, your shoes untied!
He is the new millenium's Joker, just as Nicholson was superb against the fat, balding Keaton version. I've liked Crispin in everything I've ever seen him in. He is just too fucking weird and his maniacal laugh is perfectly insane. Their loss, the way I see it.
So, I'm still worshipping at the God that is Youtube. I watch so many things I was never able to watch as a kid, interviews and videos that were on MTV, or the Devil's channel, as it was known in some of the po-dunk, piss ant towns I lived in growing up. Such is life. It's all good, but I'm unable to wrap my mind around what life would be like without the internet, let alone remember what it was like before it was even around.
My computer teacher back in 1986 told us the world would be connected and knowledge would be at our beckoned call. Woops, guess I should have listened a little closer. I was still learning to love myself at that age. I was too skinny and pimply at fourteen, if I'd have had porn that "handily" around all the time, I would never had made any friends. But I would have had a grip of death, to be certain.
"Sticky, too!"
Thank god for Hustler, and the fact that my dad wasn't very inventive in how he hid his porno movies. And for Conditioner...
And bathroom door locks...
I guarantee I had the softest pubes around town back in those days.
Not much going on these days, just working out and eating right. Hating my job and being in weird, funky moods all the time. And thinking of vengeance...
Did I say too much again? Nah, until I can blow shit up and/or people's heads with only the power of my mind, I'm going to have to settle for passively wishing those of you who are fucktards that have been placed, liked landmines in my path, nothing but ill will. I like those fantasies where you happen upon them in something like a... say... life or death situation where only I hold the key to their salvation. I like to ponder both scenarios.
I will soon, hopefully, be starting my wall of 11X13 framed, glossy photos of me pissing on the graves of...
"As we like to call 'em..."
Them's that done us wrong.
Long list too. I'm still young. I've got all the time in the world...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I Don't Wanna Sound Queer Or Nothin...

But the Bay City Rollers kinda kick ass.
I'm not planning on going apeshit over them, but I remember the old Saturday morning TV show. They were actually kinda funny too.
"Especially with those thick Scottish accents..."
But when they sang, the accents were completely lost. The songs I found on youtube were good ones, I may just have to find some albums or something.
The question remains: Why am I suddenly finding the sounds of Wham and Bay City Rollers so soothing? What's next, Air Supply?!?!?!?!
"That was two questions, actually..."
But they were damn good ones, though. Am I mellowing out? I can't get Careless Whisper or I Only Wanna Be With You outta my noggin!
Anybody got a tack hammer on them, by chance?
Heard Les is a coke dealer and Derek got busted for child porn.
VH1 Behind the Music, anyone?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Grudgefest with Dane and the Blue Japs...

Did someone say Jackie Earle Haley was in the Grudge?
"If only!"
But alas, he is not.
Thus it stinketh royally...
I saw it today, and was not disappointed in my disappointedness. It was that bad, I'm giving it an F. These two weirdo bulldykes sat right behind me and crinkled their shit until I mentioned, quite frankly, how much it bothered me. Fittin grade since I used the F word to those "ladies", in fact throughout the movie. What a lame ass, fucking shitty movie this is, stuff like that. The Japanese must be a bunch of pussies if this scares them. I'm not impressed so enough with the sequels. I didn't give two shits about the Ring either. Give me the movie I saw anyday over that.
Employee of the Month
Although it dragged in the middle, and I've always felt Dane Cook wasn't as funny as everyone else seems to think, this was a hit. I give 'er a strong B+. The cast was perfect, the jokes on target constantly and full blast. I laughed my balls off at the faux Sam's Club silliness that ensues when a hottie shows up at her new job. Andy Dick was even funny, go figure. Harland Williams shines in there too. He always does!
So Grudge bad, Employee of the Month good. I didn't want to see the Grudge, but someone had to warn you. Repeat: Grudge sucks balls. Don't see it.
Chiefs are playing tomorrow against Pittsburg. Please win, please win. I can't handle defeat, not tomorrow. I... I...
"Need to lie down for awhile and catch your breath?"
Si, senor!!!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Crosses on the Forehead Advertise Nothing...

Death is everywhere
There are flies on the windscreen
For a start
Reminding us
We could be torn apart

Death is everywhere
There are lambs for the slaughter
Waiting to die
And I can sense
The hours slipping by

Death is everywhere
The more I look
The more I see
The more I feel
A sense of urgency

Come here (Touch me)
Kiss me (Touch me)
(Touch me)

I am boredsy and without adult supervision. Nothing to do. Crosses in blood on the forehead.
"Makes sense. don't it?"
Take the things you love...
And make them better!

What am I trying to do
What am I trying to say
I'm not trying to tell you anything
You didn't know
When you woke up today
Is full of surprises
It advertises

Tex-Ass Home Butcher'd Meats...

They put up a new mall in Rogers, Arkansas last week. It's some lame ass thing where the stores are all separate buildings and you walk outside between the stores.
"Did hippies design this, or what?!?!?"
What are they gonna do when it rains or snows? No one will go there when the weather sucks. What a stupid idea. That's fine with me, maybe the mall in Fayetteville will be blessedly empty. Think of the sales.
Think of the bargains!!!
Inside one of these tacky looking buildings is a movie theater, a twelve screener. Everything inside is a sickly looking green, even the seats and curtainry. I prefer classic red myself. I'm old school like that.
So we head into theater number six, the 7:15 showing. They had a 7:45 showing of it in the huge theater number one. Pisses me off that I missed out on the BIG one. Something perfumey they were spraying in the air was giving me a splitting headache and locking up my sinuses and my buzz was already dissipating. They showed the most kick ass Ghost Rider trailer, then started in on the gorefest. R. Lee Ermey was in top form once again; without him, this movie would've failed miserably. The gore was top notch but a little brief, like they knew they were gonna save the goods for the unrated DVD. Head shots abounded, and limbs were sawed off. Someone gets a little sledgehammer action. Above standard fare mostly, it was alot better than the rest of the series.
"With one exception!"
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Dennis Hopper and the goofball from Losing It (with Tom Cruise)plays an even wilder cousin to Leatherface. Hopper is the chainsaw dueling Texas Ranger. Check it out sometime, if'n you want the goods! It's Graveh approved, ya know!
So, I give this movie a B for trying hard. It might have succeeded if it weren't for the poison gas/fragrance they were dousing us with. But I will give a second chance on DVD. But to be honest, Leatherface was never one of my favorite bad guys...
I put him a little above Freddy and Michael Myers. They just seem like retarded, limited characters to work with.
Now, Pinhead, there's a fantastic screen presence!
Too bad they just never did anything decent with it after the second one. I need death and utter mayhem, done up right.
Did you know Death plays the flute...?
"We played the flute in school too."

"I think not..."

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Awww Snap, Now Yer Diggin Fer Gold!!!

Who told you it was hidden deep up in Forty Niner butt though? Thanks to NFL DirecTicket, I was able to view this otherwise unviewable (in my area) treat. Don't get me wrong, Herm Edwards still has alot to do to prove me wrong. And although he is not high on my list of coaching wizardry, I can't just lay down and start thinking about next season, hoping they don't embarass themselves too much before then.
It's not in my character to do such a thing. I love the Chiefs too much to drop out on them now. They did me right today, and for that I am grateful. They manhandled the Forty Niners like it was nobody's business. I raise my barbecue sauce covered thumb in gleeful approval!
Granted the Forty Niners have been one of lamest teams of the new millenium, we gave them a pretty good thumping.
41-0, for those of you too lazy to look for yourselves...
I did get a little tired of Herm's formula. Hand it to Larry Johnson to run for no yards then throw on third and long. It's not gonna work on the better teams, and Larry doesn't seem to be running like he's trying to win the job anymore!
"Oh yeah, he's already got it now that Priest Holmes is gone."
Seems to happen to anybody and everybody whose jerseys I buy. Vanover, Holmes, Grbac...
That's right, damn it, I had an Elvis Grbac jersey!
Maybe I should get a Herm Edward's one.
And here is where I take Herm aside and put him on my knee and say...
Herm, baby. You can't do the same thing over and over. Trick it up a little bit, make up for in brain what you (the team) lack in physical brawn. Leave other teams guessing (hopefully fatally wrong) just what the fuck you guys are gonna do. We get it, you wanna be a defensiveteam. But you still have to score enough points to keep their defense on the field and yours well rested.
And hungry for battle...
Dante Hall scored one off a punt return, by the way. His first since the '04 season. Congratulations buddeh, the drought is finally over. Hopefully this was a big confidence builder for the Chiefs, Damon Huard needs it.
"He was shakier than a dog shittin' razorblades at times!"
Yeah, but as many times as he got to pump his fist in the air today, he should have supersized his nads by next weekend. 208 yards passing with two touchdowns. Larry Johnson with 101 rushing yards. Even Tony Gonzalez got his licks in there, some of them for first downs even! Thanks for showing up today guys, I've been wondering where you've been!
Next up is Arizona. And as much as I normally like Kurt Warner, and feel bad for the Cardinals, I want this to once again be total destruction and mayhem. I need this.
America needs this!!!