Monday, May 30, 2011

of course i do doo...

Of course I do. The hailstorm in my brain...
I'm about to move into a 3 bedroom house possibly by myself. I want so much for my kid to come with me. I don't want to see her face as sad as that kid whose dad was crushed by that forklift, it almost crushed me. I didn't even know it at the time.
It would seem lonely if you were the only star in the night.
I've got to believe...
It'll be alright in the end.

Guilt, fucking guilt.
See? I don:t want to touch anyone's life and kill it. I don't want to take away, I want to add to, by a fucking million plus.
Right now I feel like I kill all that I touch.
Gold isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have the Midas touch...
Oh, fuck it.
Car crash?
No.
No.
No. No more.
Don't drag me to those gates of hell.... just this last one time?!?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

John Cusack Can Suck A Dick...

Le sigh. Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh.
Le fucking sigh.
The things I wish. Were I to dream to be as prococious...?
Genetics, luck, and flexibility, oh my!!!
What can/could I do to explain my oh no's...
My Oh No's..........................
Now I sit here wondering...
Was Teen Wolf the best movie ever made? Was the sequel even better?
How tough was it to be the heir apparent to Michael J.?
Not very, not very.
Tell me I wasn't just a launching pad?
I'm very mad, mostly at myself. Do you not think I'd be happier with a Time Machine that took me back to the times I could do that which would make you love me more?
Two people, two people...
One made me recoil from the fire, the other made me want to embrace it...
In 2005 and 2006 I made a choice to redo my life, then I ate a giant bag of shit.
I am never going to quit this blog, I will post no matter how much it sucks for me to say it all.
Nearly 40, I'm starting to realise how much I suck it all, revelations were made today.
How can I say it?
I just can't...
I need to forget how to remember it all. I need to go back to early 2006. The thing that sucks is that it's not so much about refinding her/you. It is about refinding me without the idiocy of losing me...
You want to find an idiot version of me, I refuse to let that happen, even to my detriment.
I refuse.
Yet I refuse with open arms...
Pictures of you?
I have mental albums...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Rind That Binds...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Awwwwww, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Get a schmashmortion at a schmashmortion clinic.
Life is like taking care of a terminally ill patient where/when you are in control of pulling the trigger like a stricken tooth...
A where, and a when ...
When and where you finally commit the crime. I don't like my silhouette, he doesn't seem to favor me.
Snapshot of your voice, a visual wall of soundless trimmed pubelessness. As gentle as a giraffe...
And as physically unsophisticated...
I refuse to be anyone's stepping stone to stepping back.
I think sex when you think a mere two thousand years ahead/or behind.
Think outside the box?
I say think about what got us out of it.
Something wants us to break out of the bubble.
Break out of the bubble, and breathe freely...
It is harder the second time around.
The rind...
I will define when and where. Whether it matters matters... little?
Bowie, it keeps coming back, it just keeps coming back.
Le sigh, and ashes to ashes...

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Poke Me Mon...



See if I twitch...

Plans in motion, making things easier. My problem has always been in not following the steps in order. I want to jump ahead to the good ones, then end up tumbling back to number one. Usually into a huge, steaming pile of number two.

No longer drinking, that was a good start. Feel better, actually really started hitting the gym for a week. Then my blood pressure went up, for many reasons. I am going to let my house slide away, and then file whatever you file to make it all go away being one of them.

I have no problem paying for things in cash for awhile, I did before when I came here. Not having the burden of this house will make previously difficult decisions much more doable now.


I am, for a short time, taking blood pressure medicine, which I hate because it makes me sleepy. I also am taking, also for an extremely short time, anti depressants and Klonopin.

I hate this, and will be substituting hard workouts and healthy living/eating as soon as I'm able.

The other night I went all through wikipedia searching bi polar disorder and mania, and hypomania. I'm not sure how much I believe all of that. But...

I can see hypomania. I lived on little or no sleep, was actually quite artistic and creative, obsessed on what I obsessed on. Then somewhere came a huge fall. Then again, I doubt I'm bi polar. I believe that any deviancy of thought can somehow be reprogrammed, it is just extremely hard as fuck.

Also, to answer a question posed of me elsewhere(as if they'd care to even read it): I am the only fool here. If I had a time machine, I could fix anything.

I want to be wantable, and to be deserving of it.

Here I am King of Nothing, when I thought I was but a Prince...

I'm more royalty than I thought. Too bad blue blood seems to be weaker of constitution and thin as fuck.

Time for an infusion, a transfusion.

No more confusion, and tepid delusion.

A collusion of exclusion,

Of all ignorance and illusion...


Every time I Pikachu, I Squirtle.