Friday, February 20, 2009

Doth it ring for moi?
Si, oui, and dah. It doth, yet doth not bring about randy late night fumblings as was earlier pined for.
Something good came out of it, I just need to "do yo thang".
"Methinks he doth procrastinate too much..."
Troo dat. He doth.
I originally started this blog after reading about Kevin Underwood, the retarded fuck who blogged and eventually killed a 12 year old girl. I was fascinated by the fact that this loser had a handful of years under his belt online, and you could semi see either his meltdown, or a ruse to get him some kind of mental unhealth back up.
So I started one too. It's been around for awhile, and occasionally gets neglected. I always come back to it. I had another that was wayyyy more private, but I had to kill it as it was too painful to continue it.
Someday, I hope to blog as some totally new, hip kat... bright and shiny... optimistic, wide eyed to the world once again.
"He doth dare to dream!"
Troo dat. He doth.
These are the voices, and thoughts, that hold me back, pin me down, and lay their steadfast custody upon my mouth to prevent my screams.
But nothing can hide the wild wideness of mein eyes. I fear it all, yet cannot stay where I am at, like being on the ledge of a burning building as the flames lick up my asscrack, and roast my taint until I...
Take the plunge.
Sploosh. The things I've seen seem to override the things that I have yet to see. I stifle, asphyxiate, black out, bring to screeching halt, burke, check, choke, choke back, clamp down, clam up, constipate, cork, cover up, crack down, curb, dry up*, extinguish, gag, hold it down, hush, hush up, kill*, muffle, muzzle, put the lid on, repress, shut up, silence, sit on*, smother, spike, squash, squelch, stagnate, stop, strangle, stultify, suffocate, suppress, torpedo, trammel...
"Someone's been using their online thesaurus."
Naughty, naughty...
So anyhoo...
I would love to fix my life, I would love to save the day, I would love to frolic like a hobbit in the shire. All that shizz. I will. I have to. I don't want this as it is now. I am not the person I once was, or would like to be remembered as. I tire of dreaming, wishing, planning, hoping, lying, procrastinating, committing acts of tomfoolery upon myself...
So yeah, it rang. I didn't hear alot of what I wanted to hear, but I heard enough. One thing. One thing. I hope it wasn't thrown out there as a halfhearted attempt at pity, or worse...
An empty promise like:
"When pigs fly, yeah, that's when I'll give you a call again..."
I just read up on addiction, and OCD stuff. Alot of that crap rang true, and you'd be surprised how little it has to do with the actual physical part of the jerb. A trauma, or neglect, as a child...
Not saying I was touched or anything, which I wasn't, just that sometimes kids don't understand the paradox that is life: some kid whining and pouting their asses off because they yearn for independence, your undead spouse expounding upon the shortcomings that your immediate presence brings, your boss handing you a letter reprimanding you for things of a paltry nature. Telling you that your behavior is detrimental to "the team", one of which you've been a part of almost half of your life. By someone who probably hasn't done a decent day of work ever in their life even.
This is what life is about. It's about who you know, how slick you are at making things happen at the expense of others, just... plain... bullshit.
How do you fix this, or "change" it as the Obama kids are saying these days, how do you turn it all around? Are you just supposed to numb yourself to it all?
I'm sure I'm not unique, but I wonder...
Am I the only one seeing how much it all sucks? Am I delusional?
In the end, it all burns, it is all engulfed.
A baptism of sorts.
Ironic that the things that cleanse devour what has befallen. History is left to decompose, and the hardiest pieces crumble in the open like pages of an ancient tome, handled by the least skilled at the task...
In the end, everything and everyone dies. It is a race of the likes no one wants to be crowned victorious in. Trauma. New beginnings. Futility. Hope. Dismay.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Don't Be Scared, Beware...

Just a quick reminder to anyone who forgot to do something to go, "Holy shit, thanks Graveh!"
Unless they were henceforth reminded AFTER the fact.
Then it's more like, "Uhhhh, what do I do now? Where you a few days ago?"
It never ends does it?
It is yet another dismal day, and I prepare myself for Max Payne...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

And So You Shall...

Weehaw, it's Valentine's Day. That special day of the year where you honor your loved one with chocolates and treasures, cards and merriment for the whole fun filled day. Or something like that...
Where's the He Man Woman Haters Club when you need them?
I saw the reboot Friday the 13th movie last night. It had its moments, but overall wasn't anything new, and it missed some of the late 70s/early 80s nuances it once had. It is funny how they still try to kind of make the same teen fun movies, but fail miserably. Nothing compares, and all fall short. The soundtracks even kicked ass. I was thinking yesterday about how times have changed and lack what they did back in "the day".
In "the day" everyone talked about Kung Fu, and carried nunchukkas. When you turned on the radio, amazing new music was heard on a daily basis. Shit didn't cost you an arm and a leg, and the world had a sheen upon it, the likes of which most of you haven't seen. At least since, that's for damn sure...
Lestat hid away in his house, fearing any noises heralding a new dawning of a new age, something he couldn't comprehend, or fought against as wholeheartedly as he could muster. I think we do that, CHANGE. In the end it all goes to ruin. Our highest hopes locked away for all time, to be sifted through by no one. Abandon all hope.
Abandon all hope.

Poof. There is worse out there than just vanishing. In some video games, there are places that you can get stuck, where you can't get out, and you can't off yourself.
It's like that. Whoever put those there was one cruel bastard, and don't even try to tell me those are accidents. Everything is everything for a reason.
Or is it?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I'm not your GUY, Buddeh...

And here I thought I would post a shitload more on my blog, but what're you gonna do?
There was a gigantic fucking ice storm that knocked my weatherhead off the roof, leaving me without power for 8 days. Most people lost power, maybe for even a handful of days, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.................
Not this cowboy.
Bunch of bullshit, and everything seems to be building up to some cataclysmic climax in my life. Everybody, and everything, is all weird and shit. I've got a huge headache, the kind that just pounds nonstop. Need it to stop.
It's warming up now though. Thanks alot douchebag Mother Nature. She fucked me out of some money, and I intend to squeeze it out of her very bosom itself!!!
I'm gonna have to get an mp3 player, so I can work out again. And some gloves. Maybe tonight. Not sure, it's getting cold now that it's in the evening.
And I'm lazy as fuck, don't you know...