Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Question of Lust...

How true. But who is right, who is wrong? Isn't it all a matter of perspective?
How many people will champion the beliefs of those who elected them to do so, even when it didn't mesh with their own personal opinions?
So how do you balance doing what is right, in your own head, with doing what others want from you?
I was a union steward a long time ago, and occasionally I was forced to go against my better judgement and do the job that was given to me when I couldn't convince a person to do the right thing. 99% of the time I could reason with someone, other times it was just going through the motions to appease them in their ill fated excursion of dumbassedness.
Some people will not be reasoned with. But then again, I'd probably be described as one of the same.
Is this a fault? When, or if, I realise I'm in the wrong, I fess up. Or try to. Ok, not always...
Do we need a hive mentality to survive? I can see the pros and cons of individuality. I just can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Is greed good, or is giving it all the right thing to do?
I think my online argument rarely goes down in flames, unless I get hotheaded and just let fly.
Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm sure I had a point in there somewhere. Am I ever wrong? Yes. I also believe I learn from it. Do I believe that what I learn does anything more than further my resolve at being a hermit someday...?
Remains to be seen.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Mammy, Mammy, Speak To Me, Mammy...

Howdeh yawls!
Today, at my work, I had to do some stupid training on something I'm never going to do, at least not there...
So my hand hurt from having to take notes. I passed with an 88%, which is better than people who did that job all the time. I also passed it on my first try, unlike most of them. They think I'm stupid, and were expecting me to fail. Some of these people are on their fourth try to pass it. Who's the fucking retard?
So anyway, there is a chick there that plays up to all the old pervs I work with. So she's getting help for stuff that we are going to get rated on. He informed me of impending evaluaion time, and when I asked for help or some tutoring, he looked like he didn't care to bother. Too bad I don't have titties.
Fuck 'em.
I wanted to go home today at 10 and stone, but I was doing that crap til 1pm. I left at 130.
Just thought I'd check in, I hope to be her more. And to put stuff on my blog that will wow and bedazzle. You may even be hornswaggled!
I have a headache, my hand hurts, and I have two more days of work. I also heard more snow is on the way. Damn you, Punxsutawney Phil!!!
Goodnight all. I sleep for now.
Or finish some Letterman.
It's all circular. Is it all coming back to me now?
Speak to me, Mammy?!?!?

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Alcoholics Abdominus...

Assume the position... I watched to some vlogs on A.A. and was left with pretty much the same feelings as before.
Why? Because I'd already seen it unfurl before mein own eyes.
They want to exercise their authority over other members, or feed the monstrous beast that they'd not defeated but only cloaked it in the fur of an less predatory animal.
The beast that is pride. Ok, now let's change poses...

So add this disheartening knowledge to the fact that this cowboy needs to put his big pants on and get some shit done. Learn how to not shrivel up inside on the go and never look back.
I'm watching Letterman, pre and post NBC debacle. Inspirational guy. What happened to him was kind of like when the one skater had her boyfriend smack another skater in the knee so she'd get her spot in the Olympics or whatever.
Next one please, do it slowly. It's a toughie...

Different hypotheses fly past at blinding speed then become theory only long enough to be dashed upon the rocks of my ever brooding brow.
What will you do?
What a workout...

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Brain Candy...

We went to see The Lovely Bones last night. Surprisingly, it was very good, though they could've went a little less on the trippy world that she was in after she died.
Strong B+, and that place was still pretty packed for a movie that's been out awhile...

So anyway, the vacation I took for my broken hand is nearly over. Tomorrow is the Superbowl, go Saints, and then back to work. Hope my hand can take it.

I've also done alot of thinking about everything. I'm not going into detail right now over it, but hopefully there will be some kind of change in my demeanor and what not. An overnight success story?
Hardly. But I've found, especially from drawing on past experiences, that no one is drawn to Negative Nancys. Once I get ME going again, I don't plan on travelling the same road I was on before.
Instead of a walk towards a wealth of knowledge and contented funjinx, it was more like a parade of fools.
A parade of one, at least.
You find yourself on a float, all gaudily decked out and arms flailing at the masses. Sure, they are picking up the candies you are tossing out so grandly at them. But then you feel a sting in your cheek.
They are throwing it all right back at you!!!

I don't even LIKE candy...

Monday, February 01, 2010

One Singular Sensation...

Ha, that's what it feels like right now. Surrounded by laughing, leering dickwads...
I started to get better, I started to get over, I started to pick up pieces of wisdom and reality...
Then I weakened and let Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown yet again.
When you're down I think you put out some kind of vibe. It tells everyone that you are damaged and need to be stayed away from. Yet you are the only one seemingly unaware of this. It's like being the kid sent home from school with headlice, except no one bothered to tell him he even had it. I tire of it all.

You realise that cutting the ties to all those things you thought you needed, more like needlessly wanted, is what's best for you. It still doesn't make them any easier.
One singular sensation, a tie that doesn't bind...
Instead more of a blind.
I can't even say what is in my head anymore. I want to be a mindless robot like the rest of the world or so fucking fearless that it pushes me over the top. Would it be better to have spent my last four plus years never knowing what it tasted like again? With the explosion of warmth it envelopes you with also comes the bled out feelings of despair and anguish when it is gone.
You question them.
You question yourself.
You question everything. The point of it all. Where it went wrong, where it could've been done differently, where, where, why?
In the end, you realise that the things you pine for are already gone. I don't presume to have any inklings of WTFness. As you can see, I'm a physically and emotionally scarred person.
Was I born for this, or just more prone to?
I can always remember being an emotional child. I remember feeling sadness at an early age, of crying alot. But I also remember being a fighter, of thinking that no matter what was piled on top of me, I'd get mein's. This hope lasted me until I was out of my teens. Sure, I'd seen loneliness and heartache, I'd seen the ravaged battlefield strewn with the corpses of friends and lovers...
There is a point in life where you are forced into the cruel hustle and bustle of being an ADULT.
Apparently this is when you have your dreams dashed and learn to settle. Every last thing that gives you pleasure is slowwwwwly drained away until you are left bitter and pessimistic.
You'd think that everyone else would be in the same mood, hoping to connect, hoping to rekindle the fire they'd lost. They are just as closed and jaded as you are, or are in the upswing and oblivious to your negativity.
Can't be having that, it rubs off dontcha know?!?!?
Maybe we all need balls on our chins so that every time we forgot we have a pair, all we need to do is thoughtfully stroke our chins for guidance. Or maybe someone could give us a good flicking when we are being total pussyfarts.
I can't wait to see what I'm like when my heart has hardened again. Will I shy away from the ones who need some compassion the most? Or even just give them some sort of hope that they will overcome?
Pride is deadly and those around you drool over your impending doom. That is just how it goes.
Ramble, ramble...
Bleak, I know. Hey, at least Avatar beat stupid Titanic. I hated that movie. Chicks make their men endure that crap, then they rerelease it so we're forced again. I didn't agree with the anti US sentiment in Avatar at times, but it was alot better than that farce of a movie.
I would love to make movies, to write them and see them made into reality onscreen by mein own loving hands. They'd never see the light of day. You guys want fresh, new, beautiful faces, or giant blue cat people...
I don't get you lot. I feel like Lestat. Time to board up and peek at you through the cracks awhile. See what you wierd sonsabitches are up to.
And hey, at least I've been hitting this blog some. It's always fun to look back and see where your heart/head was.
Or wasn't...