Monday, July 31, 2006

Asia: Minor Palpitations, Major Wood...

A little something I whipped up that makes a great desktop wallpaper. I loved her in Land of the Dead, she can beat the dog slobbers out of me anytime! Then I remembered that she was in XXX, although I don't plan on rewatching THAT turd of a movie again. Those eyes. Those pouty lips. It's all saying so much to me...
"I'm a slut, Ronnie. Take me."
That, AND the fact that she is NOT a bashful gal. I've seen her in an Italian magazine bearing ALL, along with some goofy looking choad, probably some Italian doofus. She has some kind of angel tattoo that goes all the way down from her belly to her hoo-hoo-nilly.
I DO like her so.
So anyways, I just thought I'd share that with all of ye. Had a great time with my niece this past weekend, she was a doll. It's weird hanging with someone that young that you have to really pay constant attention to, I'd forgotten what it was like. Cindi is pretty "low maintainence" and self entertaining, so it's been awhile. But good times were had and some energy was burned off. By both of us. Probably more ME than HER. Hah!
What's on tap tonight, you ask?
I bought the Syncronicity concert (83) from the Police on DVD for only $10. I plan on throwing it on the bigscreen(53") with surround sound tonight and kicking back. I also got Almost Heroes, with Chris Farley. This is a must, as it was his last film before his untimely demise. And it's a doozy!

So I'm just gonna kick it here at the flippity flop floop and slow roll my way into sweet oblivion...
Won't you join me...?
R.I.P. Bill Phillips. Died last week, put in the ground today. I knew him for around 11 years. We used to tell on each other for not wearing our beardnets. He was a strange old man with George Hamilton eyebrows, but he was cool. Too bad he smoked like a freight train. He was 90 pounds when he died...

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Invasion Begins!!!

We have a "Visitor" for the weekend. She apparently really likes to play the drums and can simultaneously appear in four different rooms. At the same TIME even!!!
We held negotiations over the fate of the planet at Pizza Hut in Republic. We lost and now may NO LONGER call pepperoni by its name. We must now refer to it as: THAT SPICY BACON THAT I DON'T LIKE! (or be vaporized)
Other things mentioned: Rocketships, astronauts, and cherry pie. And whether or not I loved any or all of these things. And complete dominion over the races of the world.
Stay tuned, folks...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Failure is a TWO LETTER WORD!

Here's something you are going to hear alot, on occasion. I started working out and running again...
Which brings me back to the title once more.
Failure is a TWO LETTER WORD!
And that word is...
I've never read anything ANYWHERE that said you have to give up for all eternity just because you failed, or just plain threw in the towel at the time. You can choose to start your life over at any time or place that you want. Hell, if I didn't follow my own advice, I'd be doomed to a life of cigarettes, booze, junk food, and carpel tunnel inducing peter pounding! My (ex)sponsor said something to me once when we were doing a Fourth Step inventory for A.A.
"Ronnie, if I EVER went out again, I just don't think I could show my face around heeyah EVER again. EVER!"
And I thought, "Damn, isn't this like your fifth time back in? You must be too stupid to know, then, that the fork has already been "stuck" and the fat ladies are on their way to the Golden Corral buffet, with a hoarseness in their throats and a hunger in their bellies.
Don't give up! If you slide back down a little, or even plummet back down to the depths of, as I like to call it, "Lardassedness", then do not fret my little munchkins. We all tend to want to take it easy, it's a natural thing.
Motivation. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. But I try, oh, how I try. Each and everytime, it gets easier though. I've been pretty good about my eating habits and when I weighed in, I was just a tad UNDER 170. I'm proud of that. I remember going to this funpark once when I was alot bigger (around 230), riding some bumper boats, and getting completely soaked. At the car, I took off my shirt to wring it out a bit.
THAT'S when I saw them. Three people in a car with a perfect view of the events unfolding. They were making faces and putting their hands in front of their eyes to shield them from my bodacious MOOBS. How deliciously cruel of them. I felt really bad at the time...
Those days are long gone. My kids go with me to the gym and work out with me. I also wear an MP3 player, so's I can jam to some sweet Duran whilst I turn this body into a lean, mean, lovemaking machine.
Ok, ok. It already IS a lovemaking machine, I'm just working on putting more of the lean and mean into it. This is so much better than sheepishly asking your family doctor for a few samples of Viagra. Which I never have, by the way, although I would STILL love to have four hours of "Penile Thunder" just for shits and giggles. And the OTHER thing, too!
What have we learned today? Failure is not always a permanent dilly-O. Feel free to give it another shot! What do you have to lose? You already suck at what you failed at.As Howard Jones once said...
Things Can Only Get Better!
What are you waiting for? Hop to it!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

You, Me, Dupree, and One Buttass Ugly Midget...

Catchy title, eh? I was faced with a dilemma of watching Crappy Movie One or Crappy Movie Two. I knew Dupree was going to suck, Owen Wilson plays the same tired ass hippie jackass in all his movies and I'm not up for that. I'm not really up for much of anything really, that's why I'm going to cut the movie review short this time.
Here's the brief version...
We ended up seeing Little Man. I laughed a few times, but my heart just wasn't in it. It amused me not. I feel nothing but loathing for most of the things around me. Or guilt/hopeless despair at times but I will get by. If you are my loved one or a friend reading this, do not worry. This too shall pass.
"So quit yer bitchin'!"
I just get tired of it all and want to go numb sometimes. But I plod onwards, even through shitty Wayans Bros extravaganzas of whitey jokes and ebonically charged tomfoolery. That old black guy who played the wacky father, the same guy who plays Ice Cube's dad in Friday, plays in every stupid rap star studded film of color. It's almost like it's a requirement or something, didn't help in this one though. After the FX of the past two weeks (Superman Returns, Pirates 2) these were just as creepy and distracting as White Chicks was. Were. Is. And the near future looks bleak as well. No decent trailers to speak of, and Spiderman 3 doesn't come out until next year. Although there might be something that escapes me at this time, I can't think of anything that has me counting the days until it comes out. An epic big screen mindblower from Frank Zappa would do the trick. In addition to the Cranberries, I've rekindled my love anew for Frank by hearing and seeing as much of him as possible, especially on youtube. The Crossfire in '89 where he served up some blithering idiot over censorship, surprising the hosts and winning over their inner voices of reason, was FABBO! I've been drifting too far away from the teachings of "FZ". Can't be having that...
"He used to cut my grass. He was a very nice boy..."
I'm hurtling towards something, people, I just don't know what it is. And I'm starting to not care. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna hit it head on believe you me. I just might not be steering it in any particular direction, is all.
Sometimes it's just better that way...
So unless you own all the In Living Color box sets, Little Man is best saved for its impending release and rehash on BET.
And that's being generous too. How come they always gotta be dissin' the MAN
I need flesh eating zombies and I need Benchwarmers on DVD. Swardson is the man in that, but Schneider, Spade, and Heder do it up real nice this time too. I've been having Deuce Bigalow sightings alot lately, he was even a rehabbing D Rex in Little Man. Something else I saw just the other day too. And Click. I can't wait for that to come out too.
"When's he gonna end this rambling, nonsensical post and retire to the living room to play Resident Evil 4 'til the wee hours of the wee morn...?"
Soon, love...
Getting very scary in the middle east right now.
Is it time to show my true identity yet...?
(You still don't even know if that is horn or halo I'm hiding.)
(Maybe a bit of both...)
Eternal damnation, and...
Hot burnin' fiyah!
Hot burnin' fiyah!
Hot burnin' fiyahhhhh!!!!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear Irish Hottie...

I'm in love with your voice. If you would consider breast augmentation, then "we" could start a family sooner than "we" anticipated...
Why wait?
Lets not LINGER...

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn,don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I m in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, but I was wrong

If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
I like to imagine I'm being left for another woman in this song. In MY version, we ALL hook up in the end. Anyway, the version I downloaded has Simon LeBon singing with her and taking the lead here and there. It is kickass, and I've checked her out on "the web." She's pretty hot and feisty looking. I just wouldn't wanna hear all that crap about how the world is suffering.
She'd bring me down.
Can't be havin' that...

Saturday, July 08, 2006


So on occasion, I hang out and play WHAMMY PLUS on, but always as a guest. Earlier tonight, I entered into a game with some regulars. Now first off, let me say that they get PRETTY nasty in the chat going on off to the side AND they dog you, trying to jinx you into a Whammy. So, as it's been awhile and I'm stoned rusty, I do mediocre in the first round. This also helps to lure them into some delusion that I am "easy pickens." I hunker down in the second round and begin answering questions in typical fashion, usually BEFORE the complete question has scrolled down. They are NOT liking this. The final round of spins come and I go first. I can normally hit any spot on the wheel and was dead on once again, over and over. I passed on NINE spins with almost $23,000 in my bank. The lady next to me Whammy'ed out, leaving just the Rube with the NINE spins, in addition to his own. He builds up a mound of cash totalling $16,000, then passes off HIS remaining spins back to ME.
A little taste of my own medicine...?
I think NOT!
An easy solution to my dilemma there was, AND a way to keep him from leaving the game. I wanted him to have hope all the way to the bone crushing end and NOT KNOW WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED TO HIM UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE. I WHAMMY out right off the bat, enticing him AND moving the other spins to a column that allows me to pass back to him at will. He smells blood. Yet it is not to be so. After raising it back up to $30,000, I hit the BIG BANK and added another $30,000+ to my total. THEN passed SIX spins BACK to his speechless ass.
(Cue the Queen music!)
It's SO much more fun than playing the computer, I get to attempt (and usually succeed) at predicting real people's reactions to the ass woopin's I dole out. I also get to read the horrible things they write about me in chat. I am semi avoided there by regulars now, but I never shy from battle. I relish in slipping around in the entrails of your gutted egos. Bring that shit. I am like RAINMAN when it comes to useless knowledge and trivia games. People tell me I should be on a gameshow but I'd probably blow it in real life. Who knows, wonder if they'd let me sneak off and get stoned during the breaks. I would then rise to the occasion, clapping my Cheeto stained hands together in "greenbacked" ecstacy, as I mowed my way unmercifully through the dim witted competition with glee and mayhem. I would also like to try my hand at some Texas Hold Em. I'm a pretty good bullshitter, and look like I'm lying all the time anyway. I might not do too bad...

"One man... One goal (BWOMP BW-O-O-MP) One mission."
"One heart... One soul (BWOMP BW-O-O-MP) Just one solution!"
"One flash, of light! (Yeah!) One GOD, one vision!!!"
"Gimme gimme gimme fried chicken"
Let's go!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

burn, baby, burn...

this world rejects me
this world threw me away
this world never gave me a chance
this world gonna have to pay

life don't believe in your institutions
i did what you want me to
like the cancer in your system
i've got a little suprise for you

something inside of me
has opened up its eyes
why did you put it there
did you not realize
this thing inside of me
it screams the loudest sound
sometimes i think i could


i will kill him where you're standing
flock of sheep out on this pay
with all your lies bumped up around you
i can take it all away

something inside of me
has opened up its eyes
why did you put it there
did you not realize
something inside of me
it screams the loudest sound
sometimes i think i could

i'm gonna burn this whole world down

i am the agent i am corruption i am the angel of your destruction
i am subversion secret desire i am your future swallow down all that fire
i never was a part of you


Sunday, July 02, 2006

Raiders of the Lost Beer Cooler...

Or does Nebraska Nolte and the Wet Bar of Doom sound better? He could've singlehandedly crushed the career of Christopher Reeve AND Harrison Ford if he'd played his cards right!
So I just got back from the lake. We spent the day out there swimming and BBQing. I'm still white as a sheet though, but a little better hydrated, and it was nice to take the kids out so they could run apeshit all over the place. Wear themselves out for an early bedtime. MY Mama didn't raise no fool. I also started watching the first Spiderman movie as well, but fell asleep while he was learning to do the web thing. I just have no patience or "giddy-up-n-go" to sit through a full movie without falling asleep or getting bored with it. Adult ADHD maybe. I've always been antsy and have NEVER been able to keep out of trouble.
Such is life, I can't change who I am, can I?
I lack motivation. However, I have kept THIS little badboy going on its third month. Maybe not EVERYDAY, but more often than SOME, who shall remain nameless. And where the fuck are you, non commenters? I need to feel your love, your admiration. Your unflinching obedience to my dominion. Let me smother you in gravy. Come on. I'll show you a good time...
What else? My birthday is a month and a half away, and I'm three months from THREE years of sobriety in A.A.!!!! Yay for me!
"What's THAT?" you say.
"But you're a pothead!"
Better THIS than slave to nicotine and caffeine. Or those stupid Japanese puzzles that are the new fad nowadays...
Bring back Backgammon, I say!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Nick Nolte, Savior of the Universe?

Barley, Hops, and the American Lay? Imagine a world where he HAD been allowed to play Superman. Beercans strew all over the Fortress of Solitude. Frozen patches of vomit consisting of cheetos and Wild Turkey 151. He wouldn't even START saving the day until AT LEAST after ten am. On top of THAT, he was almost Han FUCKING Solo!!!

I guess they would have had Mac Davis playing a more curly locked Chewbacca, complete with "swingin" medallions and I'm sure the Millenium Falcon would have a CB in there. Along with empty pints of Evan Williams and crushed cigarette packs AND randomly placed puddles of vomit. Consisting of cheetos...
You know the drill.
"Awwww, Chew-BACK-uhh, that's not a GODDAMN hyperdrive!!!
"Awwww, Jeez-USS!!!"
I've got one MORE blockbuster hit hero that he ALMOST played, you're NEVER gonna guess which one it is. But it's a biggun. I'm saving it for a later post. (Hint: Tom Selleck was also offered the role.) Nick Nolte completely blows my mind. He could have been in some of the top movies of all time. Luckily, he's a man who can't say NO to a "good time". He reminds me of ANOTHER trouser skidmark, Gary Busey. The GRILL on that "coke hoovering" space doofus alone is enough to scare ME away. I don't like naturally LOUD people. Add boisterous to the equation and you've got yourself a real, bonafide ASSHOLE on your hands. 'Nuff said on that subject.
So, I DID see Superman last night, but am completely torn on this issue. There were things I really liked. But there were ALSO things I really didn't like about it.
Things I liked: More gritty/actiony, and less PG than the predecessor, Marc Singer adds a nice touch to a franchise as cold and lifeless as Reeve' worm infested corpse. Things I did NOT like: Kevin Spacey (Hackman will forever be the definitive Lex Luthor in MY heart). That, and I just don't like Spacey. Just little things about the movie really. Things I can't explain, maybe an even more adult themed version would have been more to my liking.
At least "Soop" has a kid now. Imagine if it HAD been Nolte. There would have been super "rugrats" scattered around trailer parks all over the U.S. of A. So we can thank our lucky stars then, things are well in the multiverse once again. Hallelujah.
I'm not going to SPOIL it anymore than I already have. But the new Spiderman trailer was what got me going. Venom. Finally. Unfortunately, it's still almost a year away. See the trailer, I think I actually started to get wood watching it. I give it up to them for doing a bang up job with Spidey. That movie is going to make a shitload of money. Maybe top 10 all time material. Yes, the trailer looked THAT good.
Awwwwww, Jeez-USS, look at the time, will'ya?
So to recap:
Nick Nolte-drunken fucktard. Superman-B+ material worth seeing but a little long in the tooth. Spiderman 3-the BOMB.
Any questions...?