Saturday, July 31, 2010

School Spirit Shakes...

Hi, gang. I just got back from seeing Zac Effron in uhhhhh...
Charlie St. Cloud, which I just had to look up, by the way...
C, just for the supernatural element.
So, not sure how long I haven't posted, but what are you gonna do. Sue me?!?!?
I'm covered in bug bites, which I though were fleas, but they were only mostly on my hands and lower legs. I'd always noticed these were the only exposed parts when I'm sleeping.
This morning I was doing something in the kitchen when I felt a tickle on my lower back. I smacked at it and noticed a wetness. It was a juicy mosquito, so I'm guessing he was the culprit. Fucker was living off us, mostl;y my fingers. Well, no longer. You just got knocked the fuck out!!!
My neighbor has a above ground pool thing that he didn't fill, but has rainwater and grass goo in. Idiot is unknowingly breeding those bastards like... mosquitos!!!
I have been spending alot of time watching Flip Schultz comedy, and his character by the name of Skippy Greene. He got knocked out of the tryouts for Last Comic Standing this season, though he told me in a message he'd gotten alot farther in season 4. That's right, friended him on the old Bookface...
I know it means nothing. Heck, when Nick Swardson was putting Grandma's Boy out, he was pretty accessible too. So, anyway, the guy is hilarious. I thought Skippy was naughty, but Flip is akin to a Jim Morrisonesque style comedian. He dares to shock and piss you off some. I like that.
And he has yet to piss me off. Or shock me.
Just don't talk about my mama...
So, me then?
Ehhhhh. I'm doin'.
I think it's going to be me, a bottle of spirits, and a pack of cancer sticks on the horizon tonight.
Just how fucking dark does it have to get before the dawn?
Hmmmm?
I feel like the drowning man that is barely still treading water, but finds his second wind.
Yet it is what it is: a second welling up of strength... to do what?
Prolong doom, nothing more.
False hope.
Right now everyone else's straw seem to be stretched towards mein milkshake.
And they all like to renege on their promises.
I needz to find my metaphoric pair of scissors to snip, snip, snip away the plastic probosci probing at mein main mojo...
Put on that black suit and become the man in black again.
Let this not be another second wind, only prolonging, never relieving...
I can't imagine what hell would be like. And heaven better not be more of what we have down here. Everything is so depressing most of the time. Please, tell me that death ends it.
That I don't just go somewhere else to die over and over again.
I need some high fives in there to muster up enough to continue sometimes.
Otherwise there is no point, capiche?
I wanted to see Dinner for Schmucks today. I fucking ended up with Zac Effron.
How does that work out like that?
My milkshake is empty now, let me borrow yours.
Notice I didn't punctuate that as if it were a request.
That is because it wasn't.
So hand it over, Fuckface.
You too, Obama loving sheeple.
(Sorry, just had to throw that one in there.)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Just Do...


Yet, there's more...
I secondguess my own motives. I wish I was dead. I stayed over guilt, or what was it?
Dread?
Why does it hurt so much? I hate this part of my life, my death... my undeath...
The change hurts. Or is it my pride?
I wish I could hear from somebody. I have no friends once again...
Ehhh, I probably do, but I can't hear them anymore. I can't hear anything but what I want to hear...
Which is nothing. I can't hear you... I can't hear you anymore. If I ever get back to where I was before I will continue to grind away at, not build upon, what undid me. You hurt me, Martha, more than I've ever let anyone hurt me. It'd have been better if you'd slapped or spit upon my face and just told me to fuck off. When I kissed you, I meant it. Always did I mean it. It hurts me to think you may have kissed me and didn't mean it at the time, like you did it to keep the wolves you thought were at bay...
I bared myself. To you. As much as I could...
I tasted life as you would show it to me. I didn't try to kill it. You could've told me that night that you'd moved out. Was I too late, even then
I get it...
Pain for me, a learning experience. Then why does it feel like I was revenged upon?
Answer in the title.

The Quirky Jerk...

Can you tell I haven't really been AT my keyboard for years now? Right after I started this blog, at a time when I was at a peak...
Physically and almost mentally...
Well, as much as the mind could facilitate...
And so I once again tried to shake off the bonds of my absurdity and rejoin society once... again
I know now that I wasn't in love, I wasn't in love with anyone...
I was in love with what I'd become...
Loved.
Wanted.
Fantasized about...
Now I am the one who lives in fantasy. A fitting demise, perhaps?
No, I refuse this ending. Rewrite, give me a motherfucking rewrite.
To live in a world where I was played isn't any worse than a world where I was the player...
The dabbler...
I'm starting to think you are either a fool, or the fooled. And when I say you, I mean me...
Are we always on the up/downside?
Kicking or being kicked, it is all wrong.
So let's do the move with the quirky jerk. I'm not talking about your date, either...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

No, I Said She's Fucking Goofy...

Facebook is the devil...
Vampire Wars and Bejeweled. Waste of time. I saw The Sorceror's Apprentice tonight, it was very nice. I liked it very mucho. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
The shadows are a'comin'...
Not to mention the bags under mein eyes...

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hungy Like Da wolf, Anyone...?

video

Leo DiCrapio...

So wow, I've been posting alot recently. Now if only some of it were worth reading...
Got sinus troubles so I stayed home today again. I sat around and watched videos online all day, mostly of Norm MacDonald. I love that guy. I wonder what he is like away from the camera or microphone.
Especially after a few drinkypoos...
I'm not sure if we are seeing Inception tonight, or WTF in general. I don't feel like doing anything in particular other than partaking of this fine herb.
"Ere, want some?
We saw Get Him to the Greek the other day, it was so so. Alot of Jonah Hill taking it up the butt. I liked it, but Russell Brand is a freak and I can't stand him. And P Diddy?
It's kind of like Inception as well...
Everybody in it is awesome except the douchebag playing the main character, Leonardo DiCaprio. Why do people insist on shoving him down my throat?
Fuck off already...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Scar Tissue...

Prideful pride...
Now tearful tears...
Then shameful shame...
Why?

Why?

Why?

The things I used to fantasize about seem far removed. You want to know what goes through my mind? What tickles my fancy?
Revenge. Saying fuck it and leaving everyone but my daughter. Then winning the Powerball. Going to see everyone who done did me wrizzong. Doing my song and dance, then waiting for them to beg me to take them back, or to love them, or to...
I've even had the murdering people I hate dream thang. I remember wishing people dead as a child. It is amazing the defense mechanisms we create to deal with all the bullshit in life we have to go through. Some of these never go away untreated.
I went to an A.A. meeting with my kid. Someone chose to pick on me, call me out. Uncover my hiding place...
Wrong tactics there, bub.
She was right, in the end. I will most likely be alone. I sacrificed so much to be with her, then when it fell through...
Who the fuck does she think she is, Dionne Warwick?!?!?
I'm left with nothing but the things I tried to shirk. Except for one person, the person I've done everything I could for.
I wish I could close my eyes and find myself back... back... back...
1990?
1987?
Clarksburg?
Marshall?
Eldon?
Martha?
Irma?
Lisa?
The womb?
There is no womb in the room. Or vice-versa...
I love how this blog, over time, has turned into a pity party. Love will do that to you.
Sometimes I wonder what strange emotions mein own child feels. I remember feeling burning love even in elementary school. Older girls...
My first nude girl at ten when she was 14, sans intercourse...
Then 6th grade, when I briefly had a girlfriend who was in the 8th grade. Then Lisa, who was in college whilst I was in high school. Then Irma, then that chick post Irma right before I got this jerb. She was the oldest chick I'd fucked for a long time. Thirty when I was twenty...
Sadly, I was actually semi proud of that.
Another woman taking advantage. I also remember a beautiful woman wanting me to whisk her away from an abusive boyfriend. Wanting to use me, wanting to suck me dry, then comes the discarding of the husk...
I wonder if, later, I will be able to decipher, years from now, just what the fuck I was saying here. I wonder if the words I put down are the words of a madman, or just that of the maimed...
The injured...
Mortally wounded?
Ample opportunities. Lack of gumption. The tools I need to fix my life are out of reach, or so it seems. I don't want to be lost, yet I stare off into space. I'm a walking, talking, motherfucking paradox.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen...
I'm sad for us all. Mostly sad for me, but what can you do?
My egocentrism. My masochism. The sadism that goes along with it. My need to control...
To be the conductor, I'm a one man show. I'm like Robin Williams only funny and still sometimes relevant. A revenant...
Am I trouble?
Do I lack a soul?
A.A.'s foundation, their "cornerstone", is GAWD. I cannot, and will not, pretend. I cannot pretend I believe in something so fucking far fetched. I hate life, I hate the feeling that I'm plummeting to my doom. Yet not only am I fascinated by it and drawn like a moth to the flame, it is akin to orgasm. Doom...
Dooooooom.

A Different Corner...

This one is short. I'm missing you tonight.
Why?
I read that he is dead, since Friday. In the ground by Saturday.
I wonder...
Had we left each other alone, would things be different and better?
Would you and he be happy somewhere, wherever, whilst I hadn't stopped to dally?
If this date was slated to be, then I think maybe we would've been doomed anyhow.
Fuck me, life sucks. I seriously feel like a drink. Then another...
Then the rest.
I want you to fade. You refuse to.
I refuse to let you.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Mantis...

I will nibble and polish the tops of your minds,
(the tops of your minds...)
And leave your ripe melons as nothing but rinds,
(nothing but rinds...)
So when I have moved on and you've turned to dust,
(you've turned to dust...)
Now remorse is long lost, returned is the lust...
(lust is a must...)
There's no time to wallow,
In pools of disgust,
I want to feed on you...
To polish your trust.

I'm mixing together a new video to some shizz I mixed together. Hope it turns out sweeet.
I will share later...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Coup D'etat...

My brain is throbbing. Not sure why, but it is definitely hijacking my mood. It feels like my head is on one of those swizzle sticks in a hurricane. Or one of those fucking bobbleheads...
I should be fine. It is warm out, and I've actually caught up on some much needed dozing.
Maybe it's all the thoughts in my head. Get divorced?
I think I'm going to sit back and watch. If things don't pick up in my life, I'm going to do drastic things, things that have been warned about...
Why does it always suck huge throbbing donkeyballs? There was a time when I didn't feel like this...
I will again, but there will probably be hard times to come before then.
Hindsight is 20 fucking 20, my friends...
Too bad life isn't like window's paint.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mein Royal Donkeypunch...

I'm sitting here watching a Kids in the Hall sketch called Hitler Fucks a Donkey, and it got me thinking...
Just about alot of things. Hell, I guess even farther back than the past four years.
Of things, past perceived failures, that I've beaten myself up over in the... uhhhh, past.
I seem to attract some fine ass girl pussy from time to time, yet my fatal flaws kick in everytime. Whether it be inopportune opportunities, or just the darndest luck...
The window always seems to slam down on my already mangled digits.
Stories, and more on top of that I could tell.
Yet now I think of a time when I could surf the net and never tire of watching old Solid Gold episodes, or any other trivial pursuit.
This is the time that I hate: when nothing tastes, nothing feels, nothing IS.
It WAS, now that what is not is no more. Was it ever?
I want things given to me, handed over rightfully so. I deserve these things, give them to me now.
The keys to the kingdom are MEIN.
I had other things to say, much deeper, but I don't feel like saying anything of importance now.
Anger has mostly given way to despair. I've yet to feel that spark again, the one I need to rebuild...
Carefully plan the demise of all who stand in my path to righteous domination of, well...
All of you. Fools.
Dance, monkeys.
Do this now for Your Royal Holiness. Or Unholiness, take your pick.
I also saw Predators tonight. It was pretty good. Go see it.
Fuck Eclipse.