Saturday, January 03, 2009

2009 Wants and Needs...

Not sure what it'll bring, but I'm hoping to get as much of it out of the way. This should've been last year, now I'm going to quit putting things off.
Then why does my stomach quease?
I'm going through the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. The guilt you get to feel, for just wanting something useless and futile to end. They can see it just the same, so why do they fight it, and threaten to take you down with them?
I'm holding tight to my resolution of not drinking, although last night, while sitting in the theater, I felt a wave of depression just HIT me. Everything was suddenly...
Sinking. And the feeling that no matter what I do, I will fail. Miserably.
I feel like I want to cry, but strangely, only when I'm around others. Why does this not come when I am alone.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same. The tears just do not come to me.
I feel emotionally ravaged and numb.
So I also quit smoking, though I've had a couple. I will continue to fight it, and next week I will be back full force at the gym. I wanna be bigger and in better shape than I even was last time. I want to take my anger out on all that equipment. I don't want to be talked to, I want to be left alone to work out all the demons I've got squirrelled away in my head.
The problem will be making myself eat later. I plan on just being on some kind of autopilot routine with alot of the self care thang.
I want to live through the eyes of my kid. Show her that it all doesn't suck, though I'm still often skeptical myself. I want. I want. I want.
"He wants..."
He wants?
I need. So many things. I've decided though, if things aren't panning out the way I'd hoped, then I will still do my best. Or will go autopilot again until something, if it does again, snaps me out of this funk.
I said last time I'd not do it again. If I give up this time I am down for the count...
"One... Two... Three.."
Will he? Nahhh...
Should I take a standing eight count?
"Four... Five... Six..."
Seven... Eight... Nine...
Unfortunately we are stuck on a cliffhanger here. The answer won't be revealed until a later date. I'd like to stop back by here in 2010 and see if things were worse or better myself.
Won't you join me?