No...?

Sifting through the ashes of my crash and burn kamakaze doomsday mission, I find myself numb enough not to mourn...

Not to pine.

Nor be prone to panic, and subsequent flight.

Today is/was supposed to be the day the bank takes back my house. Guess then it's off to filing bankrupt and all that jazz. I do not feel the loss of the house, or of all the crap I've thrown away, more of a cleansing, actually. A resolve...

To keep as little stuff as I can, and what I do have I box up if not needed.

Going to school in Dallas for two weeks in August, after that I'm putting in for promotions and trying to get as secluded as I can workwise. Somewhere I can go out and do my thangie and then go back to whatever I do when I'm alone and unsupervised.

Saw Everything Must Go, A+ movie. Will Ferrill can act when he wants to. Still wanting to see Green Lantern, waiting...

The Walking Dead, waiting...

NFL, waiting...

I need to turn the tide that tides me over. I need to wash that grey right outta my hair...

of course i do doo...

Of course I do. The hailstorm in my brain...

I'm about to move into a 3 bedroom house possibly by myself. I want so much for my kid to come with me. I don't want to see her face as sad as that kid whose dad was crushed by that forklift, it almost crushed me. I didn't even know it at the time.

It would seem lonely if you were the only star in the night.

I've got to believe...

It'll be alright in the end.

Guilt, fucking guilt.

See? I don:t want to touch anyone's life and kill it. I don't want to take away, I want to add to, by a fucking million plus.

Right now I feel like I kill all that I touch.

Gold isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have the Midas touch...

Oh, fuck it.

Car crash?

No.

No.

No. No more.

Don't drag me to those gates of hell.... just this last one time?!?

John Cusack Can Suck A Dick...

Le sigh. Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh.
Le fucking sigh.
The things I wish. Were I to dream to be as prococious...?
Genetics, luck, and flexibility, oh my!!!
What can/could I do to explain my oh no's...
My Oh No's..........................
Now I sit here wondering...
Was Teen Wolf the best movie ever made? Was the sequel even better?
How tough was it to be the heir apparent to Michael J.?
Not very, not very.
Tell me I wasn't just a launching pad?
I'm very mad, mostly at myself. Do you not think I'd be happier with a Time Machine that took me back to the times I could do that which would make you love me more?
Two people, two people...
One made me recoil from the fire, the other made me want to embrace it...
In 2005 and 2006 I made a choice to redo my life, then I ate a giant bag of shit.
I am never going to quit this blog, I will post no matter how much it sucks for me to say it all.
Nearly 40, I'm starting to realise how much I suck it all, revelations were made today.
How can I say it?
I just can't...
I need to forget how to remember it all. I need to go back to early 2006. The thing that sucks is that it's not so much about refinding her/you. It is about refinding me without the idiocy of losing me...
You want to find an idiot version of me, I refuse to let that happen, even to my detriment.
I refuse.
Yet I refuse with open arms...
Pictures of you?
I have mental albums...

The Rind That Binds...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Awwwwww, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Get a schmashmortion at a schmashmortion clinic.
Life is like taking care of a terminally ill patient where/when you are in control of pulling the trigger like a stricken tooth...
A where, and a when ...
When and where you finally commit the crime. I don't like my silhouette, he doesn't seem to favor me.
Snapshot of your voice, a visual wall of soundless trimmed pubelessness. As gentle as a giraffe...
And as physically unsophisticated...
I refuse to be anyone's stepping stone to stepping back.
I think sex when you think a mere two thousand years ahead/or behind.
Think outside the box?
I say think about what got us out of it.
Something wants us to break out of the bubble.
Break out of the bubble, and breathe freely...
It is harder the second time around.
The rind...
I will define when and where. Whether it matters matters... little?
Bowie, it keeps coming back, it just keeps coming back.
Le sigh, and ashes to ashes...

Poke Me Mon...

See if I twitch...

Plans in motion, making things easier. My problem has always been in not following the steps in order. I want to jump ahead to the good ones, then end up tumbling back to number one. Usually into a huge, steaming pile of number two.

No longer drinking, that was a good start. Feel better, actually really started hitting the gym for a week. Then my blood pressure went up, for many reasons. I am going to let my house slide away, and then file whatever you file to make it all go away being one of them.

I have no problem paying for things in cash for awhile, I did before when I came here. Not having the burden of this house will make previously difficult decisions much more doable now.

I am, for a short time, taking blood pressure medicine, which I hate because it makes me sleepy. I also am taking, also for an extremely short time, anti depressants and Klonopin.

I hate this, and will be substituting hard workouts and healthy living/eating as soon as I'm able.

The other night I went all through wikipedia searching bi polar disorder and mania, and hypomania. I'm not sure how much I believe all of that. But...

I can see hypomania. I lived on little or no sleep, was actually quite artistic and creative, obsessed on what I obsessed on. Then somewhere came a huge fall. Then again, I doubt I'm bi polar. I believe that any deviancy of thought can somehow be reprogrammed, it is just extremely hard as fuck.

Also, to answer a question posed of me elsewhere(as if they'd care to even read it): I am the only fool here. If I had a time machine, I could fix anything.

I want to be wantable, and to be deserving of it.

Here I am King of Nothing, when I thought I was but a Prince...

I'm more royalty than I thought. Too bad blue blood seems to be weaker of constitution and thin as fuck.

Time for an infusion, a transfusion.

No more confusion, and tepid delusion.

A collusion of exclusion,

Of all ignorance and illusion...

Every time I Pikachu, I Squirtle.

Is That a Fool's Tail...?

So I bought the new Duran album the day it came out. "She thinks I've just forgotten?" NEVER. Imagine the best tasting, refreshing drink you could hope to ever quaff down, yet never tasted, other than in theory. Then imagine it being pissed in before you could ever take a swallow or a sip. Triviality? "Pretend." Lie, and die. I've not been able to face a fucking Olivia Newton john song, maybe not as long as I live ever again. Worse... Moving on, you said. I eat those bullets, sadly. "In this chamber, lit by scandal..." You're the bullet in the barrel. "You're the last thing as I'm falling..." Bloody roaring, still I'm calling out. I'm calling out. To not be heard, to be left screaming... Wishing for Mediterrania, expecting Antarctica... My two favorite songs off the new album are Mediterranea and The Man Who Stole a Leopard. I could quote this whole album, I just don't have enough space. "You've small children who can easily be molded." Mine gave up on me that day of the Superbowl. You've no idea yet how much pain that causes. I still feel worse than the repercussions. I wanna say many more things. Tell me how I can? Give me a code.

You Know What...?

No Future For Youuuuuu.....?

I can no longer expect or want. I just can't. Sorry to disappoint, but oh wellz...
you think it is all trivial to me?
No, it is definitely not. In the end, I cannot begin when I have not finished.
Things I cannot have. I have a series, or a set of morals, as fucked up as they are...
I can expect you to not respond.
You fell in love with someone you didn't even know...
I am a fool, or am I a tool?
I don't begin, I don't presume to even start to begin.
I bend to one knee. This time it is a little bit easier but hard as ever.
You know what?
My jaw is not of glass, my mind is not splintered. I want.
I want.
I want.
No matter how we thought we grew, we grow now. We grow now. It feels like cancer, even when it kills us. We die, to live. We die...
We die.
Tonight, pessimism reigns. See?
You were cardiac arrest, you were the life ending stroke.
You struck the match, the phoenix arose upon the life giving fire you sparked...
To crash in the ground and come anew from the ash?
It is a matter of perspective...

You And Me In Pink Lights...

So come the evening,
I'm out on the dunes, looking for a token, something to prove...
All I remember is more than a flame...
In my fantasy fire.
In comes the morning,
I'm stood in my track, looking at the reasons, for me to head back...
So unexpected, the kindness you've shown,
That I will not forget it.
Whatever I've done to receive, whatever I need to redeem, whatever you say, even if I wait a lifetime...
I know, I swear, if you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there,
You can leave a light on for me.
You breathe the will into the weak,
And coax the cage bird to fly free,
You ease the lost cause out of me,
With your sweet hand to bring me home...
I'm not alone.
I know, I swear...
If you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there.
You can leave a light on for me...
I'm not sure how to take this, but this a new, fantastic twist and turn in the life of the...
THE GRAVEH.
Sure, I'm scared of alot of things, and reassurances be damned.
SPLOOSH?!?!?
"He doth."
Doth he?
"Methinks he do."
Lori, let's owe it to ourselves. Let's just let.
Not sleeping dogs lie,
Let them stir,
And go to war.
Proclaim intent...
And win.
And overcome,
The old me...
The old you.
Let us go to war, and WIN.
Win what we deserve. Win what we need. What we deserve... in life.
To live.
In love.
You/Me.
Them/Us.

Mud Pies Are Tasty...

Yesterdays and today,
keeping the wolves at bay,
putting them down,
closing the town...
hoping what comes just may.

Howdy, folks. Chiefs won today, though I personally didn't see it go down. We are back in the driver's seat with Oakland losing to Pittsburg.
The world is a dark, dark place. You know how in movies the guy gets a second chance? Doesn't happen in real life. Real life is about getting pushed back down into the mud and mmmm, don't it taste good.

Hence...

So I'm really drunk right now and am watching She's Out Of Your League. My chest hurts, it really hurts.
Hence the moustache...

Me Hate You Hate Me Hate You Hate Me...

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD:
From the cleansing of the soul comes...
The power of Persuasion?
Alot of realities realised. Alot of thoughts being thought and...
Rejected. My brain processes aren't like most, yet they are as basic as anyone else. I'd guess you'd call them unique or more than a tste for the bland. In the end, everything has been done before.
Had I lived thousands upon thousands of years, I'd be a prophet. You'd turn an ear, you'd be apt to have your ears stand on end, let alone the end of your hairstrands...
You know what I mean now.
I found the great unreleased Adam Ant album around the same time as I lost my mind and pride I thought was unloseable. Funny, I know, right?
Have I lost my creativity? Let me know if you've seen it.
To have the world at your feet is to expect to end up at that very spot.
If you think this is a wrestling match with my faith, you are sorely wrong and should exit stage left immediately.
It is more an understanding of my current place and station in life, yet a yearning for more. To break out and strike it rich...
For the last couple of years at least I've been confusing downtroddeness with fury over mein own complacency.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I will figure this out, fix it, and show you the results. I'm so mad at myself right now. I meant good always, yet lost touch/faith in myself.
Things that I promise to myself:
I will stop killing my future.
I will slow the fuck down.
I will look people in the eye and kill them... metaphorically.
I will learn to shut my bitch ass mouth.

In the end, I'm well liked because I am brutally honest, even to myself. Am I alone? Probably not, but it will be squeezed out of you. It will be dashed upon the rocks of reason and reality. Trust me, I was once like, maybe even a little more ready to leap...
Never leapt, I am too scared to reveal myself to the likes of anyone that could ever hurt me with the knowledge they possess. Cryptic fucker, ain't I?
I reach out my hand, do you take it?
Do you cringe, or make a fatal mistake?
Do you glow, do you glitter?
Do you have that new car smell?
Like a bull in a China shop...

Yeah, I'm drunk but still...
I'm a madman.
The only people that matter have spoken. As a Repuplican, I've been wating and waiting for my luck to change. You need more than two years, while you gala-muthafucking-vant around the country? Fuck you, Obama, we voted, you"re soon to be lost in the shuffle...
Fuck you, I'm broke as shit thanx to your new "deals"...

Zappa-Luv...

Some guy from the ZAPPA forum hosted these. Amazing shots, a,azing everything.

oh, paul, i want be your babydoll.
Still can't typr, or see straight. Let me call it for you...

before you... slip into... unconsciousness... i'd... like to have a... nother kiss. another flashing glance at bliss, another kiss. another kiss. is death really ugly? i can only hope it is a rebirth, a rebirth. a death anew. life, is that you? i reject you, and hate you, yet love you. i contradict myself, and then i die again. and then die again. wait until he sleeps, wait until he sleeps. will it come soon? will it come soon?

Regal Smeagol...

So this is my little sweety, a dependent fought long and hard for in a knock down, drag out custody battle for the ages...
I love her. When I got her, she was kind of malnourished and neglected. I need to spend more time letting her stretch her legs. Too much time caged...
She's getting fatter now, but last night a mouse was in her cage eating her food, she almost got him. Next time...
I would love for her to eat raw meat, or maybe boiled chicken. Someday I want to raise a farmload of them, throw in live chickens and watch them devour it, feathers and all. This would be sweeeet.
Here she is, doing what she does best: SLEEP.
She can be quite a handful. Before she had a cage, she ran free, but I got tired of her not using her litterbox. Bad move on her part, because I ain't having it. I wish she would play more and hide less. She always wants you to chase or find her, and she can get into places you can't readily pull her out of.
Still, all in all, she is a great pet, I just wish I had more free time for her. I want to start making kickass ferret movies of her frolicking. We could all take note from a page in her book. That is if she could actually write some shit down, right?
So this is my little pet, dost thou liketh?
She has never bitten anyone, and I doubt she would. But if you are lower down on the food chain...
Watch out!
She used to ride my guinea pig and then sink her teeth into its shoulder. The shrieks were unbearable, so I got rid of the guinea pig. Besides, she stank, and shit constantly. And did nothing. If you were sneaking around the house in the dark, she would bust me out. When I'd be fucking, she'd make noise and throw me off, the little bitch.

So Hot, You're Cool...

Show me my favorite beauty spot...
Tie me up in a love knot.
Boiling everybody up...

This is how I run. No middle, only extremes.
I am sick today. My sinuses are killing me, my nose is dripping goo, and my lungs want to cave in on me all the time. I need a nurse, one in particular...
I don't know if I mentioned earlier, but if you get a chance to see The Walking Dead on AMC on Halloween night, then please do. You won't be sorry. Very nice zombies in that one. Done respectfully.
Don't see Paranormal Activity 2, or you will be sorry.
I'm going to see Ronnie Milsap Thursday night at the casino. That would be cool to meet him. I want to test his sense of smell by throwing some Silent But Deadly's his way and see how he reacts. Would his superpowers kick in and be able to tell from whose buns didst this gas pass from?
Would he even know what was on the menu the night before?
"Ummmm... meatloaf?"
Nope. But you're getting warmer...
"It's gotta be sloppy joe's, son!"
Right you are, Mr Milsap, right you are...

Thus the thread title...

Eggs Benedict Arnold...

Soon I have to skeedaddle but I will ramble at you for a few...
Some idiotic bitch tried to get me in trouble for putting for the suggestion that we should put exploding chips in the brainstems of illegal immigrants we catch which will detonate upon further crossings of the border.
Geeeeeeez.
Somebody's gotta come up with ideas here. I'm just spitballing. Anyway, said bitch trying to make me look all racial up in this piece.
Now, at least, I can say I hate one Mexican...

Chiefs lost again, on a bad fucking call. Somehow they are still on top of the division. Also, my Missouri Tigers moved up to 11 in the rankings while Arkansas dropped down almost where they belong...
In the toilet.
I have to go to my daughter's choir concert in a bit and am finishing up a nice little bake out session. Sounds better stoned as long as they don't do any more fucking Glee crap. Who the fuck really likes that shit?
I didn't like it the first time around when it was called Fame and Leroy wore supertight pants to show his package off to all the other prancing girlyboys.
OK, now not against gay people, just saying. If your kid likes this crap, worry.
Wonder what scared my parents? I like Olivia Newton John and the Pet Shop Boys...
Hmmmmmm.
Didn't take much to assure my parents Graveh was about ze poonanny.
Just a nice pair of footprints on the inside of my sunroof.
High five.

Severed Ties...

I miss you. You are dead to me now, or are you? Yet my memories never die. How you fucking hurt me.
Sad. Sad. SAD.
Everything is wrong, everything is wrong. Tell me what to do?
Up is down, right is wrong. Life is never what it seems. Love me, love me, LOVE ME.
I hate you, I hate you. I have never been wrong, yet never right. When will come my time?

Dark Days Indeed...

You know what that white stuff is on top of birdshit?
It's birdshit, too. Actually, it's probably their urine or whatever. Chickens have the same thing.
Who gives a fuck, right?
I just finished rereading The Invisible Man again, all on the toilet. Take that how you will, but he's a great writer. So is Michael Moorcock. Darkness...
Look deeply into mein eyes. Know that they search over your contemptible carcass with disdain. I hate you. I want to bathe in your juices. I want to dance with you as mein lifeless puppet.
Dirty brown...
Floppin' around...
Puffed up and bloated when the sun goes down...
So my beloved Chiefs are no longer undefeated, which is fine since they are doing way better than everyone thought. They are still in first place in their division, so suck it haters.
I made a giant deer chili Saturday. It was very spicy and wow. Ass dribblin's galore for the weak/week.
What else?
Soon to straighten a bunch of crap out. Wonder what it will bring with it?
Torn on a daily basis, inside and out/literally and metaphorically.
To want for yourself is often considered crime, one that is paid for to the very end.
The only other choice is to outlive.
Or outdistance...
Or outsource.
(Ha!)