Happy New Year...

I can see it. I can totally see it:

A new life that doesn't involve bullshit. I just need to not be afraid of it. I wikll do this now. I will do this now. It's not like I want to find someone new, that may, or may not, come later. I do not care anymore. I've had brushes with greatness: Lori, I'd have been lucky as shit to almost have you. As it is, I will have nothing. I guess that is fine, the way behind me is strewn with the corpses of all that i've lost and left behind.

The way ahead is hopefully not like that. I'm already emotionally not available, this just makes it worse, or better.

I want to be free to make my own mistakes, not clean up after someone else's.

Below is someone else who has crossed paths with the dreaded beast.

This would be totally worth it, if it ends the tale that was never meant to be told.

I wanted to be left alone, and now I want to be left alone.
Leave me alone. You only lie to me. You only lie. Everyone only lies to me.

Handcuffs.

"And lies..."

Once I have attained beauty again, I will not be stoppable. OK, maybe sometimes to myself, but that is it. Other than what I think, the rest of you can just go straight away and fuck off.

Grow a beard and shut it all off. I will win.

Oh, yes...

"He surely will."

Today, the other guy wins. He punches, or gets out. He's tired of punching, he's ready to get out...

The Sitter...

Did I mention my love for David Gordon Green? We saw The Sitter yesterday, and it was the bomb, yo.

Good thing I don't give a crap what the critics say, or I'd have missed this sweet gem.

A+ all the way.

Always love Jonah Hill, who did a bang up jerb, but the kids stole the show everytime they got a chance. Especially Rodrigo, pictured heeyah...

A nice young pyromaniac hailing from El Salvador, he's adopted into a well to do family with their own brand of problemos. When not blowing things up, he's prone to urinating on anything and anyone he so chooses to.

Also, Sam Rockwell as Carlos, the drug dealer chasing them throughout the film, is superb. Hell, everyone up in the heezy does a fine jerb bringing what they bring to the table.

Can't believe this movie isn't faring better, but apparently most of the moviegoers would rather see crappy kids' crap crapping up the screen.

Such is life. I will most definitely buy this on dvd, probably on the cheap.

Hoping for a Pineapple Express 2 someday.

David Gordon Green is a GAWD among amateurs.

When will the rest of you realise this?!?!?

Here's Graveh...

Hola...

Long time, no see.

Been slumming it up, with no net.

I plan on sharing. I plan on vomiting out alot of what be going on.

Get ready for it, put a bib on, this is gonna make Gallagher look like...

Uhhhh...

Gallagher.

Fuck watermelons, the sledgehammer is gonna fall once again.

My seed will spill...

"Splooge."

Splooge, indeed.

That's alot of labia...

No matter what I do wrong...

I'm happy my kid is the coolest kid on the planet. I'm wayyyy happy she has a much harder skin than I had. I cried like a bitch all the time.

"Want some ice cream, Ronnie?!?!?"

Punch you in the eye first.

The Texas judge can kiss my ass, his daughter, too.

My kid is the most in tune person to my dreams, even if they don't coincide...

She wants me to be the best, she wants me to...

"Be there?"

Love her?!?!?

That I will always do. She has no idea how many nights I stroke her hair, no matter how much my hnads/wrists always hurt.

I'm only 39 but I feel like Uncle Clyde. I capitalize out of respect.

Diamond in the Rough...

Sometimes I have moments of clarity. True, they are far and few betwixt eons of delusional delusionness...

I want. I really want.

"What does he want?"

No shit, WTF doth he want?

Shall I make a fucking list?

1. To be left the fuck alone. If you do not share blood relations with me, then you are easily replaced. Ok, not easily at times, but you CAN be replaced.

2. Don't try to control me. Sure, I do some stupid things, but I'm pretty tough. I can roll with the punches better than most.

3. I want the letter M stricken from the English language.

4. Ice cream Wednesdays. Why should Hump Day bring a guy like ME down?

5. The road belongs to me. If you happen to be on it at the same time as me, pull over and get the fuck out of my way. This is a strange request as I'm actually a slow driver, but amazingly there are people that are more slower than me.

6. While I'm still semi lucid: More hugs, especially if you're not butt ugly and have huge tig ol' bitties. Nevermind the last part, just hug me.

7. Serial killers: I want to know if they are to blame, or is it society, or is it their upbringing, or are they just bad seeds needing to be bypassed?

8. The radical muslim world and the rest of the world's muslims that are strangely quiet about it all: notice I will NEVER capitalize that word. Sure, white dumbasses kill people, but not with the same flourish as radical muslims. Children? Children? Why? Why ever? Even barbarians were smart enough to replete thier fodder by repletiary repletionness, lol.

9. New words made up, of course by me, should be considered immediate. Fuck ebonics, call this shit RONBONICS.

10. Russell. Almost, buddy, almost. I should've been your wingman; not just to prevent your death, but to influence some of your decisions to not end up as much of a tool as you did. This is between him and I. The rest of you can just fuck off. Keith, who is forever my brother and best friend, needed us. As far as I see it, when you shake a man's hand it is a done deal. I'd never do it back, even in revenge. I'll slit your motherfucking throat, though...

11. A zombie apocalypse. Democrats made the working man wish for this. Sad, indeed...

More to come later when I shuffle some shit around. Lori, if you're still around, please don't stick around for further decomposition. You are the thing I wish. I wish I deserved the right to woo. To woo..............................

Whatever, Now Suck It Up...

So I blew off the Subway deal. I'm just too stressed to mess with it. I do still wish death upon that horrible cow who pissed/ripped me off. In the end, what is the point anyway?!?!?

"Things happening."

On the cusp?

Always hoping. Somewhere, sometime, someday I have to do more than plot and scheme your impending dooms. I'm tired of being bi polar.

I want to love all of you instead of wanting to rip your throats out with my bare teeth.

And please hurry up and pass the whole medicinal marijuana crap so I can enjoy life in peace.

I feel like when I don't have some sort of head change then I'm loathing every minute of everyone else's miserable existence.

"Phooey on all of ye!!!"

BLEEEAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

Kidding. I'm not that full of hate. Sometimes, not always.

Do you not think I want to skip through flowers and sleep lazily in the grass while the sun bathes me in its warmth?

OK, not anything that lame, but I'd be happy with some sort of ooomphf, some sort of gusto.

By the way, movies seen lately: Our Idiot Brother, disappointing girly crap - C-.

Bucky Larson, had funny parts but lame as well - C+.

Final Destination 5, not bad and ended up a prequel nicely. Too bad they got the formula wrong for staying alive. Didn't they see the other films?

Oh yeah, twas a prequel and they didn't have a Delorean...

Solid B.

Transformers 3, not bad but missing Megan Fox, WTF?!?!?

B as well.

Now back to my life...

"Oh joy..."

Zzzzzzzzzzzz, here we go again.

Tried the new Ben & Jerry's Schwetty Balls. Had chocolate covered rum balls in it, so gross. I'd rather be teabagged by Ron Jeremy in July... in the Sahara no less!!!
That's about it for now. I need a new pc, I've been using my kid's laptop and I hate it. I have a pc but it's near dead. I need my command central, I need my magic porn box.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Now look at my post picture and feel the love.

Blacked Out Forest...

So I flipped out on a chick that worked at Subway today...
Let me, uhhhh... set the scenerio.
I had a rough day at work. I had been forced to sit through a two hour thangie where they tought us to deal with stress. Breathing exercises, all that jazz...
Some stuff I'd actually been taught back in the 70's in elementary school, flexing individual muscles one at a time and then releasing, starting with your feet and working all the way up to your brainpan.
Sure, it's all good for short term release.
"BUT..."
Yes, even your butt.
Stuff from 1967, it even had the date at the bottom, lol. Forty four years old, if you can believe that. I'm even starting to get grey hair, how can even I expect to be taken seriously?!?!?
"Don't even think I'm even coming close to coming near the end."
Coming? Butts? Bottoms, even ENDS?!?!?
Yeah, I know. Ignore them, and they will eventually go away I tell myself. They even did, for awhile, if you can be bothered to backcheck my schnizz...
So, after a day of eating shit at work, as usual...
I go to a local Subway, to ease the pain of existence... with a footlong.
I finally decide to deviate from the norm and order the $5 footlong of the month, a turkey breast and black forest ham on wheat. I do so love wheat bread...
"He deviates further and orders bacon on top of it all."
So bold, so... decadent.
I had actually made smalltalk, and succeeded, and had won over the heart of the chick making my delicious sammich...
As she began beginning a new sammich for the next guy, she had planned toasting his as she added the scrumptuous toppings to mine, a Jabba the Hutt type girly girl waddled out in search of I-dunno-what-the-fuck began pulling on her sammich making gloves ever so slowwwwwwly...
I told her what I wanted: Everything, no pickles, no olives.
"Ew!!!"
EW!!!
Yes, I'm violently allergic to pickles, thanks mom for giving me Roladin. That, and painful stomach cramps I never told you about in the middle of the night.
I tell her that, yes, I want all the sauces. Mayo, Ranch, Chipotle, hot mustard, and vinegar and oil. She replies assholishly that I must really like my sauces.
I can feel the chip on her shoulder. She hated me before this cat and sammich game began.
Then I handed her my debit card...
"I will not continue tonight."
I actually blacked out during the whole shi-bangle...
To be fucking continued...

Capital Schmappital...

I hate today's hairdo's...

The Great Dying...

Carried by death...
Coddled, grown... born...
Buried, or not. I care not either way. Whatever you care to do with my body, do what you will. I lived in torment, I will die just the same. Unless...
I overcome, and bash the brains of the zombie zeds...
I could live in this kind of apocalypse if I had no child. I'd sacrifice myself for her. Otherwise...
I'd eat the fuck out of anyone who crossed my path, if hungry enough.
Sure, I've morals enough for the lot of you, but I'd survive, and not even care. I've eaten enough of you in mein own time alone. Metaphorically speaking.
So.......................................
I've lost my house, my mind, my pride. What is left?
To rebuild?
I'd love to, but I've lost faith in everything. Life has no flavor and all that blah blah blah. I'm tired of saying all this. Do I begin anew?
Boy, would I.
Bi Polarism is a bitch. I throw caution to the wind sometimes and just say fuck it. I want to love, yet I can't, but I have and will again... maybe. I feel like there is no flavor. There is no flavor. I want things that are already gone...
My road is paved, even travelled before upon. But it has never been conquered.
I want to conquer, but I tire of the control game. I just want to be left alone.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Be happy to be with me, even fawn all over me and shower me with kisses. Do not berate me, do not put me back in what I grew up to come out of. I will soon be divorced, which is fine.
I only have to think of how to dig out of this hole that love/youth/idiocy puts you into.
You can be the sweetest/loving/ awesomest dood you can be...
And still take a bite of that shit sammich.
Mmmmmmmmm...
Is this what it feels like?
Are these all my posts in the future going to be? I hope not.
I want all of you to be happy, as I wish upon myself. Show me the way, show me the way. I'm a lost little boah...

No...?

Sifting through the ashes of my crash and burn kamakaze doomsday mission, I find myself numb enough not to mourn...

Not to pine.

Nor be prone to panic, and subsequent flight.

Today is/was supposed to be the day the bank takes back my house. Guess then it's off to filing bankrupt and all that jazz. I do not feel the loss of the house, or of all the crap I've thrown away, more of a cleansing, actually. A resolve...

To keep as little stuff as I can, and what I do have I box up if not needed.

Going to school in Dallas for two weeks in August, after that I'm putting in for promotions and trying to get as secluded as I can workwise. Somewhere I can go out and do my thangie and then go back to whatever I do when I'm alone and unsupervised.

Saw Everything Must Go, A+ movie. Will Ferrill can act when he wants to. Still wanting to see Green Lantern, waiting...

The Walking Dead, waiting...

NFL, waiting...

I need to turn the tide that tides me over. I need to wash that grey right outta my hair...

of course i do doo...

Of course I do. The hailstorm in my brain...

I'm about to move into a 3 bedroom house possibly by myself. I want so much for my kid to come with me. I don't want to see her face as sad as that kid whose dad was crushed by that forklift, it almost crushed me. I didn't even know it at the time.

It would seem lonely if you were the only star in the night.

I've got to believe...

It'll be alright in the end.

Guilt, fucking guilt.

See? I don:t want to touch anyone's life and kill it. I don't want to take away, I want to add to, by a fucking million plus.

Right now I feel like I kill all that I touch.

Gold isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have the Midas touch...

Oh, fuck it.

Car crash?

No.

No.

No. No more.

Don't drag me to those gates of hell.... just this last one time?!?

John Cusack Can Suck A Dick...

Le sigh. Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh.
Le fucking sigh.
The things I wish. Were I to dream to be as prococious...?
Genetics, luck, and flexibility, oh my!!!
What can/could I do to explain my oh no's...
My Oh No's..........................
Now I sit here wondering...
Was Teen Wolf the best movie ever made? Was the sequel even better?
How tough was it to be the heir apparent to Michael J.?
Not very, not very.
Tell me I wasn't just a launching pad?
I'm very mad, mostly at myself. Do you not think I'd be happier with a Time Machine that took me back to the times I could do that which would make you love me more?
Two people, two people...
One made me recoil from the fire, the other made me want to embrace it...
In 2005 and 2006 I made a choice to redo my life, then I ate a giant bag of shit.
I am never going to quit this blog, I will post no matter how much it sucks for me to say it all.
Nearly 40, I'm starting to realise how much I suck it all, revelations were made today.
How can I say it?
I just can't...
I need to forget how to remember it all. I need to go back to early 2006. The thing that sucks is that it's not so much about refinding her/you. It is about refinding me without the idiocy of losing me...
You want to find an idiot version of me, I refuse to let that happen, even to my detriment.
I refuse.
Yet I refuse with open arms...
Pictures of you?
I have mental albums...

The Rind That Binds...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Awwwwww, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Get a schmashmortion at a schmashmortion clinic.
Life is like taking care of a terminally ill patient where/when you are in control of pulling the trigger like a stricken tooth...
A where, and a when ...
When and where you finally commit the crime. I don't like my silhouette, he doesn't seem to favor me.
Snapshot of your voice, a visual wall of soundless trimmed pubelessness. As gentle as a giraffe...
And as physically unsophisticated...
I refuse to be anyone's stepping stone to stepping back.
I think sex when you think a mere two thousand years ahead/or behind.
Think outside the box?
I say think about what got us out of it.
Something wants us to break out of the bubble.
Break out of the bubble, and breathe freely...
It is harder the second time around.
The rind...
I will define when and where. Whether it matters matters... little?
Bowie, it keeps coming back, it just keeps coming back.
Le sigh, and ashes to ashes...

Poke Me Mon...

See if I twitch...

Plans in motion, making things easier. My problem has always been in not following the steps in order. I want to jump ahead to the good ones, then end up tumbling back to number one. Usually into a huge, steaming pile of number two.

No longer drinking, that was a good start. Feel better, actually really started hitting the gym for a week. Then my blood pressure went up, for many reasons. I am going to let my house slide away, and then file whatever you file to make it all go away being one of them.

I have no problem paying for things in cash for awhile, I did before when I came here. Not having the burden of this house will make previously difficult decisions much more doable now.

I am, for a short time, taking blood pressure medicine, which I hate because it makes me sleepy. I also am taking, also for an extremely short time, anti depressants and Klonopin.

I hate this, and will be substituting hard workouts and healthy living/eating as soon as I'm able.

The other night I went all through wikipedia searching bi polar disorder and mania, and hypomania. I'm not sure how much I believe all of that. But...

I can see hypomania. I lived on little or no sleep, was actually quite artistic and creative, obsessed on what I obsessed on. Then somewhere came a huge fall. Then again, I doubt I'm bi polar. I believe that any deviancy of thought can somehow be reprogrammed, it is just extremely hard as fuck.

Also, to answer a question posed of me elsewhere(as if they'd care to even read it): I am the only fool here. If I had a time machine, I could fix anything.

I want to be wantable, and to be deserving of it.

Here I am King of Nothing, when I thought I was but a Prince...

I'm more royalty than I thought. Too bad blue blood seems to be weaker of constitution and thin as fuck.

Time for an infusion, a transfusion.

No more confusion, and tepid delusion.

A collusion of exclusion,

Of all ignorance and illusion...

Every time I Pikachu, I Squirtle.

Is That a Fool's Tail...?

So I bought the new Duran album the day it came out. "She thinks I've just forgotten?" NEVER. Imagine the best tasting, refreshing drink you could hope to ever quaff down, yet never tasted, other than in theory. Then imagine it being pissed in before you could ever take a swallow or a sip. Triviality? "Pretend." Lie, and die. I've not been able to face a fucking Olivia Newton john song, maybe not as long as I live ever again. Worse... Moving on, you said. I eat those bullets, sadly. "In this chamber, lit by scandal..." You're the bullet in the barrel. "You're the last thing as I'm falling..." Bloody roaring, still I'm calling out. I'm calling out. To not be heard, to be left screaming... Wishing for Mediterrania, expecting Antarctica... My two favorite songs off the new album are Mediterranea and The Man Who Stole a Leopard. I could quote this whole album, I just don't have enough space. "You've small children who can easily be molded." Mine gave up on me that day of the Superbowl. You've no idea yet how much pain that causes. I still feel worse than the repercussions. I wanna say many more things. Tell me how I can? Give me a code.

You Know What...?

No Future For Youuuuuu.....?

I can no longer expect or want. I just can't. Sorry to disappoint, but oh wellz...
you think it is all trivial to me?
No, it is definitely not. In the end, I cannot begin when I have not finished.
Things I cannot have. I have a series, or a set of morals, as fucked up as they are...
I can expect you to not respond.
You fell in love with someone you didn't even know...
I am a fool, or am I a tool?
I don't begin, I don't presume to even start to begin.
I bend to one knee. This time it is a little bit easier but hard as ever.
You know what?
My jaw is not of glass, my mind is not splintered. I want.
I want.
I want.
No matter how we thought we grew, we grow now. We grow now. It feels like cancer, even when it kills us. We die, to live. We die...
We die.
Tonight, pessimism reigns. See?
You were cardiac arrest, you were the life ending stroke.
You struck the match, the phoenix arose upon the life giving fire you sparked...
To crash in the ground and come anew from the ash?
It is a matter of perspective...

You And Me In Pink Lights...

So come the evening,
I'm out on the dunes, looking for a token, something to prove...
All I remember is more than a flame...
In my fantasy fire.
In comes the morning,
I'm stood in my track, looking at the reasons, for me to head back...
So unexpected, the kindness you've shown,
That I will not forget it.
Whatever I've done to receive, whatever I need to redeem, whatever you say, even if I wait a lifetime...
I know, I swear, if you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there,
You can leave a light on for me.
You breathe the will into the weak,
And coax the cage bird to fly free,
You ease the lost cause out of me,
With your sweet hand to bring me home...
I'm not alone.
I know, I swear...
If you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there.
You can leave a light on for me...
I'm not sure how to take this, but this a new, fantastic twist and turn in the life of the...
THE GRAVEH.
Sure, I'm scared of alot of things, and reassurances be damned.
SPLOOSH?!?!?
"He doth."
Doth he?
"Methinks he do."
Lori, let's owe it to ourselves. Let's just let.
Not sleeping dogs lie,
Let them stir,
And go to war.
Proclaim intent...
And win.
And overcome,
The old me...
The old you.
Let us go to war, and WIN.
Win what we deserve. Win what we need. What we deserve... in life.
To live.
In love.
You/Me.
Them/Us.

Mud Pies Are Tasty...

Yesterdays and today,
keeping the wolves at bay,
putting them down,
closing the town...
hoping what comes just may.

Howdy, folks. Chiefs won today, though I personally didn't see it go down. We are back in the driver's seat with Oakland losing to Pittsburg.
The world is a dark, dark place. You know how in movies the guy gets a second chance? Doesn't happen in real life. Real life is about getting pushed back down into the mud and mmmm, don't it taste good.

Hence...

So I'm really drunk right now and am watching She's Out Of Your League. My chest hurts, it really hurts.
Hence the moustache...