2009 Wants and Needs...

Not sure what it'll bring, but I'm hoping to get as much of it out of the way. This should've been last year, now I'm going to quit putting things off.
Then why does my stomach quease?
I'm going through the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. The guilt you get to feel, for just wanting something useless and futile to end. They can see it just the same, so why do they fight it, and threaten to take you down with them?
I'm holding tight to my resolution of not drinking, although last night, while sitting in the theater, I felt a wave of depression just HIT me. Everything was suddenly...
"Bleak?"
Hopeless.
Sinking. And the feeling that no matter what I do, I will fail. Miserably.
I feel like I want to cry, but strangely, only when I'm around others. Why does this not come when I am alone.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same. The tears just do not come to me.
I feel emotionally ravaged and numb.
So I also quit smoking, though I've had a couple. I will continue to fight it, and next week I will be back full force at the gym. I wanna be bigger and in better shape than I even was last time. I want to take my anger out on all that equipment. I don't want to be talked to, I want to be left alone to work out all the demons I've got squirrelled away in my head.
The problem will be making myself eat later. I plan on just being on some kind of autopilot routine with alot of the self care thang.
I want to live through the eyes of my kid. Show her that it all doesn't suck, though I'm still often skeptical myself. I want. I want. I want.
"He wants..."
He wants?
I need. So many things. I've decided though, if things aren't panning out the way I'd hoped, then I will still do my best. Or will go autopilot again until something, if it does again, snaps me out of this funk.
I said last time I'd not do it again. If I give up this time I am down for the count...
"One... Two... Three.."
Will he? Nahhh...
Should I take a standing eight count?
"Four... Five... Six..."
Seven... Eight... Nine...
Unfortunately we are stuck on a cliffhanger here. The answer won't be revealed until a later date. I'd like to stop back by here in 2010 and see if things were worse or better myself.
Won't you join me?

Merry F-ing XMAS...

Merry XMAS to you all. I have probably never posted this day ever but I is nizzow. I bought my kid a guitar, so far I haven't heard her playing it, my stepson is probably enjoying his XBOX games more. XMAS is a pain for me, I do alot of work, am thanked for none of it, then expected to ferry people around and fake smile all day. When my taxes come, it will be XMAS for me. Right now I'm broke, mentally wasted, and just bored and tired of it all.
I stink to high heaven too!
Click on the pic to get the gif image of it. Pretty trippy. Can't believe I can still tune a guitar, btw.
I have to drive to Missouri today, I dread it. But I want/need to see my parents. I don't care if I get anything, I just wanna eat and be fucking merry for once, lol.

The Agony of Deceit...

Before I go any further, click on these pics as they be sweeet gif images, especially the Hitler one.
So where was I? I saw The Boy in the Striped Pajamas last night, it was good. I give it an A. Maybe you have to be in the mood for this kind of thing...

This was a bleak film, but very short. I left wanting more, and wondering why there wasn't more detail to it. There definitely could have been more made out of it. Wonder what happened to the family after, did the mother hang herself in grief and shame? Did the father ever redeem himself, or just give in fully to the monster within him? What about that poor soldier sent off to the front line, did he make it out? Doubt that one...

So anyway, it's cold as fuck here and tomorrow I have to be at another plant to work over there, so I shan't be up too late tonight.

Awwwww, who am I kidding? I should wrap myself around a huge bottle of gin, and then wrap my car around a tree. I won't though.

Le sigh.

Holidays suck. I remember getting Castle Grayskull for XMAS one year, and they all gradually went down from there. Maybe life is about falling in love with things, only to leave them discarded, or watch them wither of their own accord. Which is the nobler deed?

I'm now starting to understand how fucked up it all is. Easier too, when you realize how many things you still have around you from ten years... fifteen years... twenty years or more...?

Things rot, things disintegrate, things... lose luster.

It all blurs, it all... turns too like Anne Rice's belief that vampires turn to madness when the times change around them. Even Lestat went through it. Too bad they ruined it with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the starring roles. Once again, another example of life's bullshit.

I ramble, and I feel all marmly. Robble robble.

I actually have shit to do tonight, but I feel crappy due to this shitty weather putting my sinuses on lockdown. My kid is singing in Fayetteville tonight, another is singing here in town. I wanted to work out but that's looking like a no go either. I don't like to run with a headache.

So anyway, peace out whoever. Space.

It's Us Who Makes The Noise...

I've been now sauntering out and down a path sometime. Come on it takes me nowhere, which I know...
Who would join me upon this journey to understanding of... any of it all, when there is none to be had?
It is cold outside, the dog has not even been long in the ground, and I feel hunger. Or is it thirst?
Should we play a game with the fanged coven, or just sparkle in the sun as the hushed whispers furtively dart between the tongues and teeth of tweens all giddy from the pregame ritual of memorization and swooneriffic fantasia? I see flickers of radiance in my peripheral vision.
Here in the twilight of my dependence of independence, I proclaim few things.
Gotta take pay for the saint's and sinners in regulation hats and scarves and things.
Walk in formation down the lane, they carry their cross make a church bell ring.
(Bring the army down)
Army majors pull a mean cool truth they're lying by the swimming pool.
Searching for the undeniable truth that a man is just a fool.
Soon to be vanquished to a lukewarm can of Spagetti-O's near you. Or to the cold center of a convenience store microwave burrito, skimped upon by the fickle finger of Time, among other Gawds of the Microwaveable Netherworld...

Obamarama...

No, not the group that brought you that pop sensation Venus. That was Bananarama. This is just the guy that's gonna make you wish you lived there...
Chocolate Goddess on the mountain top,
Burning like an ebony flame,
Dark summit of beauty and love,
And Condy was her name!
Her weapons were her charcoal eyes,
Making every man a man,
Black as the dark night she was,
Got what no-one else had,
Bootay!
She's got it,
Yeah, baby, she's got it!
I'm your Venus, I'm your fire,
At your desire.
You know old Barrack has to have tried to tap dat ass. Condy is way finer than his old lady anyday. So he gave Hilldawg a spot on his roster, wasn't expecting that either.
Regardless, I'm not a religious person but I swear if there is like some assassination attempt on him, and he looks like he takes a direct head shot...
If he shows up later totally unfazed, I may just be a changed man. Kidding, but I like how he isn't even PREZ yet, and I'm already hearing about all the promises he made during his campaign that he's already gonna be unable to do.
Wow, nobody ever questioned that at the time, they were too busy jizzing themselves over being gypped into believing they were part of some historical bullshit and breathing heavily in the media/celebrity gaseous clouds of their smug fartiness of divine intervention on our common peasant, inbred asses. Ha!
I love how it is assumed that the world didn't hate us prior to the first time Dubya ever flushed the White House toilet. Eight years of blinders under a self absorbed, hornytoad bumpkin like Bill was more than enough time for the rest of the world to gather and plot our demise.
You gotta hang out around the water cooler to hear the latest gossip and stay in the know on who's trying to ram something explosive up your ass. And in this case, the water cooler is the Middle East. Obama can't get us out of there, and as we tuck tail and run, they will bid us farewell with harsh words and a few final rockets to boot.
McCain wasn't going to keep us in some kind of war with Iraq. The hope was to have those guys finally cover their own asses, and we would have a presence there like we had in Japan. I've even heard him explain it with mein own ears, and saw his lips move with mein own eyes.
Who knows what Obama will do? I do believe he is about to have some tests coming up, one being Iran and Israel. They are not going to let Iran have nuclear capabilities. They are going to mercilessly bomb the fuck out of them. Will this, along with further disastrous events, start the end all of world wars?
"Will the devil have his day"
Kidding, geez!
Einstein once said, "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
I wonder if there were any past civilizations that crawled up out of the mud, or from eons huddled in caves, to have the mental might, yet the moral depravity, to nearly destroy humanity as a whole. Maybe we just got lucky to the point where a few, but just enough to restock the population, survived. Started all over. Invented god or something in hopes of scaring people from ever again trying to be too big for their britches.
Lied to future generations long enough to let the past fade away...
I think we are teetering. They are watching to see if that wobble was from blood leakage, or faked to draw the wolves in a little closer for the strike.
Well that's all for me now tonight, I'm hungry. Deal with it...

Ebon Flow...

The ebb and flow of it all, what does it all mean? My mood, and those things around me that bring me up, also leave me dashed upon the rocks.
I still have three, possibly four, days of work left this week. It is always tough to be there, because I really don't like to talk to people in the real world, and I don't like to be touched by them. Or probed in any way. I can be extremely vague when I want to be. Leaves room for loopholes, you see...
Piercings, within the realm of law, yet ringing the nipple, errr..... I mean star that is pure, unadulterated goodness like a rogue planet of vigilanteism and doom to the evil naysayers perched on my haunched visage. WTF?
I was forced to watch Jeff Dunham today on TV, and that guy is not funny, and puppets aren't funny, and you know what?
I could see his lips move.
Like today's picture? It's almost like Condy could be a superheroine if'n she wanted to. Her show would be on BET, probably give her a name like Ebon Flow, Mistress of the Menstrual Cycle.
It's 10:20pm and I have to be up at 5am so I hear that whistle blowing last call. All aboard on the last train to Sleepies' House.
Woot wooooooooooot.

Hovering...

So the Chiefs game isn't on TV once again, since they've been losing. However, thanks to Keith, I've found US97, and they are broadcasting the game. Surprising they didn't block this out, because on other channels you gotst to pay. The Saints are without three cornerbacks, and the Chiefs are due up to win. Larry Johnson is back too, so it looks like they will win, though it's beyond me why it's not on TV. This is almost a given, so I'm surprised it's being put on the shelf in favor of the Packers. Maybe I should spend three hours plus at Buffalo Wild Wings...
I don't wanna be the guy who high fives everyone when the game seems over, like last weekend.
So some guy was rooting for the Packers, he saw my Green Bay hat and was trying to high five me too. I was like, "Hey, I'm only wearing this hat to cover my Jew-fro."
So he ran his mouth, and by and by, he was disappointed. And you could see his wife was perturbed at his drunkenness. All I can say is he made me root for the other team.
Football, football...
I love the Chiefs, though they are breaking my heart right now...

Sleepy's Dead Reckoning...

I reckon that though this picture is quite old, it conveys how I feel to a tee. My paycheck will be a good one, but I'm worn out from working on a Saturday, which is today for those not in the know.
I had good company, and my boss bought food for us, even though the rotten bastard gave me a wicked tongue lashing earlier in the day for an past tardy slip up which doesn't even count because I stayed home and had a Dr's excuse. I just didn't call before work. Oh wellz, deal, bitch.
He said he would pass it on to his "guy" and the worst thing would be that I would get some stupid letter in my file, and said it like he was doing me some sort of a favor. I was like "we'll see how that all goes over."
Another woops letter goes into the shredder. Trust me, it will, if there even is one later. He tried to put me on leave restriction once, and that also fell through. Dumbass.
I now have a headache, I'm farting like crazy from some cheese dip with habanero peppers in it, and I think I'm just going to take a nap... right... now.
Nighty nights. Sleepy's house awaits with doors wide open!

2012 Elections/Ode to Condy...

Condy will run, oh yes, she will run. And she will look damn fine doing it too. You will want to vote for her. In this picture, you can clearly see she can readily seduce you with those eyes as well as squirt liquid acid to rain down upon your insolent flesh!!! Beware!!!

Yet she is also a benevolent dame. She will scrub clean all of our wrongdoings, she will wash away the sins of the fathers...

She will bring us back to past glory, riding on a star spangled pony. She will lather us with soft, foamy bubbles of...

Freedom perhaps?

Righteous and divine tenacity for the finer things, to better the realms she beholds with beauty and grace?

Some in the world do not want such a thing as peace and love under one strong black woman who can crush walnuts with her thighs. Some would rather take, take, and take some more. Credit where credit is(n't) due, they mutter under their sour, tainted breaths. We can't let this happen, they cry, befuddled, to the darkening skies.

But can it be stopped? Methinks not. She is the juggernaut, she is...

Inevitability?

Do not fight the rising tide, lest you attempt to wrangle incessently with the gods of burning hellfire yourself.

Let the cleansing rays of the chocolate goddess wash down upon your soul...

CONDY2012

Aliens...

Yup. Here I am. In the flesh. Nekked for all eyes to see. I see some of you squinting. I didn't mean that kind of nekked...

"Thank Jehovah for that!"

Okkkkkkkkkk...

I wish I wouldn't have killed my other blog. I had alot of really personal stuff in it. But to keep it would have meant to go insane. Again.

"Ghosts..."

Skeletons...

Have them, we do, don't we all, come on, come on, won't you now hey?

I like to turn my brain off. Unfortunately it comes back and bites me in the ass. I heard in space they can't hear you scream...

Left Alone...

I have nothing to share today, like it's any kind of surprise. I admit defeat.
"I surrender."
Once again, I roll the dice, and come up with snake eyes.
Kneel before Zod.
Most often, when you let down your guard, and open things, and places...
"Reveal?"
You are already lost before it has began.
Vanity.
Pride, even in the name of love, is wrong. So fuck you Bono. I just thought I'd throw that in.
But once again, I've thrown myself in front of the bus that is...
"Life?"
Idiocy?
My only crime is being the new millenium's Peter Pan, never...
I guess the only way is up now?
"But the floor smells so nice."
Mmmm, and shag, too.
I'm tired of deluding myself. I should get out more, get some sun, get some food in me. Liquid. Flavor. I need a babysitter, but who'd want the jerb? I'm most definitely a handful. And not nearly as charming in person. I bring nothing but badness to the table.
Flavor. Charm. Idiocy. I shoulda been a fratboy. Guys gone wild.
W00t. Disregard this message.

Hep-MO-tized!!!

(By the way, click on this trippy gif image, it's supercool!!!)
What's new, peoples? Just checking in, I know I've been awhile.
"You don't sayyyy..."
I been hep-MO-tized!!!
So what's been happening with me then? Ummmmm, Let's see. Working as much as I can, I've also been watching my beloved Chiefs going down the toilet once again, thanks to Herm Edwards, or as I like to call him: the idiot who keeps ripping my heart out weekly and shitting on it, then stomping it into mush.
Yesterday I watched Say Anything on Youtube. That is one of my all time faves, I took a girlfriend to see it back in... 89-90? I cry everytime I see it.
"I gave her my heart..."
And she gave me a pen.
This gem is a timeless classic. I'm a jerk piece of crap sometimes, and even I love it, so I can imagine anyone who sees it will instantly be catapulted back to their own break up scene. Cusack's best movie, hands down.
I've been seeing alot of movies, the best out of the bunch being Pineapple Express. This movie does for weed comedies/action thrillers what Say Anything did for movies where a guy holds up a boombox jamming some sweet Peter Gabriel. You know what I mizzean...
I've seen it 6 times now, think I might even "hit it" one more time before it's gone. James Franco is kickass in this, I never knew he even had it in him. All star cast and the black guy playing Matheson is high-larious. So see this if you haven't. When this badboy comes out on DVD I'm gonna bogart the heck out of it. Movie of the year!!!
So tonight, though, I'm thinking about seeing Choke, I just hope it's ok for my kid to see it. I'm hoping it ain't raunchfest 2008. I may call and ask first. Looks really good though, sex addict who makes a living by pretending to choke in restaurants takes care of his mama and wants to bang the nurse...
"Hmmmmmm..."
Hmmmm?
I'm wore out, work today was mentally grueling to get through. I hate people. I wish I worked somewhere that I was totally alone all the time. I like silence. I just recently realized that I don't even hardly listen to music anymore. And when I actually do remember to turn the radio on in the car, it's on NPR. So I'm either jamming out to some classical or yelling/laughing at Libtards and their vicious attacks on Palin. She's inexperienced? WTF is Obama then? He ain't even been around very long, and he's spent most of it running for Prez. McCain's too old? Younger than Reagan by the time he was done. He won't die, geez, you morbid fuckers. And Democrats are every bit as crooked as they point the Republicans out to be. Hell, Edwards was squirting out errant, wayward baby batter while running for Prez hisself!!! I'm voting McCain, he's able, he's been in the shit, he isn't planning on taking over the world and drinking the blood of all non white children. Hispanic news is the worst, they are pretty much telling the people who watch their garbage how to vote. The only thing important to them is getting here easier, they don't care about the stuff we need to do to survive in this crazy, mixed up world, lol. I don't think Obama is some sleeper cell terrorist or anything silly like that. The guy is an excellent speaker, he could talk the panties off of Mother Theresa, I'll give him that. But he's a whole lot of fluff, all that talk is exactly that... TALK. He isn't going to fix anything except our little red wagons. Then the shitstorm will begin.
Supposedly Planet X is swinging our way in like 2012 or something, and the aliens will be mining our planet for gold, and apparently taking all the cool rich people back with them, and hunting us down like dawgs in the meantime. Or something like that. All the world's governments are secretly making giant underground ARKs, sectioned off dwellings for all the elite. I hear alot of kookoo theories all the time. Myself?
I think we are spiralling headlong into WW3. There is just too much shit going on, and everyone is turning on us. This didn't happen when Bush was Prez, alot of it started and grew during Slick Willy's reign of terror. So yeah, I'd rather have a guy with balls like McCain at the helm than dickhead Obama. I can't believe he didn't pick Hilldawg as his VP. So we will either have a black Prez, or a female VP. One way or another, we'll have firsties. Depending on who wins though...
It may be lasties!!!
What else now that I've shared my political leanings. I do nothing but sit back here and make videos, the ones at the top of the page on Youtube. Or check out my favorite places on ze net. Liveleak, Youtube, Craptv, ummm...
"Here?"
Yeah right.
I'm tired right now, and still trying to shake some wicked bad cold. I'm also trying to not turn into a fatass again, so back to eating right, and next week the heavy workouts begin anew. I only got back up to 180ish so it'll go quick and dirty. This time I won't burn myself out and plateau like last time. I just never changed it up, or gave it a rest. I was pretty rabbitlike bodywise, but couldn't seem to bulk up. I wasn't eating enough, at least not enough meat. I got bigger when I took creatine, but that stuff made me feel weird so I quit. And I tore a tendon last year like in November in my foot, that also caused me alot of grief, and handfuls of hydrocodone.
"Eating them like Skittles!"
Not that bad...
But when the soft and fluffy ride was over, I was missing them dearly for a few days. I also need to lay off the cancer sticks. So many things to do... to do...
How though? And some of them can't/won't be delved into here, because I'm still dealing with them. Maybe when I take care of them, I will share. But for now, I will leave you with this oath as we bump fists...'
Pound it.
Lock it.
Break the pickle?
Tickle tickle.

Don't Be Square, Be There...

It is amazing that I post pictures of me that bear striking resemblance to Chaotic Graveh yet profess to love you all, and bathe you all in warm liquid night. Bizarre, and strange, events are soon to unfold. I await upon edge of seat: will I fold? Will I...
I will leave that afterthought to ye allz. My destiny is in your hands. Will the hand that bites feed upon you? Punch or get out, punch or get out...
Bondage, and fantasy. Whatever gets your cookies. Will you succumb, will you succumb?
"Methinks he's gone daft."
Begone.

w00t!

more to come, peeps. it is thundering out. the gawds are bowling...

Hi Strangers!!!

Where the fuck have I been? In hell, and I ain't out yet. I'm sure no one is still reading this, so what's the point, right?
I made a new Depeche Mode video, so check it out. It's pretty nifty and will trip your brain out. I'm personally gonna go eat some calamari myself. I'm freshly showered and wearing, ugh, a turtleneck. I look all so spiffy, and I smell almost good enough to eat. Damn, I'm fine today. This is rare.
Now I just need a haircut. I'm also toying with being a blond again.
Hmmm.........................
Comment. Let me hear the multitudes. Ha!

Joe Rogan...

I can't deal. I'm all Rogan, yet I'm the exact opposite...

Tell me why

Can't we try...

Not to break our hearts and make it so hard on ourselves...

I hate life. It is evil. The things that I want...

I can't seeem to find happiness.

When she says I love you...............

I love you...

As Closed Off As I am...

My lil gal and I made a video. It will be enjoyed by... yourselves. You will love this, and you will fall to your knees in exaltations.

And fervored whatchamacallits. She baked a cake last night, I filmed her beaming over it earlier today. She is not only my one and only, she is the best friend I have in the world. Even as closed off as I am.................................

Am I all alone here? If you are out there and are reading, shout yourself out. I am lonely. Make yourselves heard...

Shambles...

I've seen alot of shit. Haunting indeed.
Fucking indeed.
Oh yeah, ask me about it. Oh, I'm sorry, too involved in yourself?
Same here. Movie reviews: They all pale in comparison. To what?
Exactly.
Pale...
Wanton...
Thrillfull...
They had no idea what they set loose upon the world.
All (s)he wants is...
MORE.
"We shall return soon."
Full force.

Meat/beat/manifesto of Death.

Babble. You don't know how to ease my pain, you don't know. You don't know the sound of my tears falling. You don't know. You just don't fucking know. Bend to my will. Give in. I won't accept anything less. But you won't give me what I want. I will survive. I will be less than I am now, but I will. I will. Meatamorphisize!!!
I am a cannibal, I will yet eat myself. I know I'm weird, but if you would judt read.. in between...
the...

A Public GRAVEH Announcement!!!

It may yet save your life if you heed my visions of false party-gawdness and pollo loco-motion.

Now to answer questions: No, it was powdered sugar. I ain't got that kinda money, but if I did, it wouldn't be going up my nostrils.

Drugs are bad, peoples, mmm'kay?

I think maybe later we are gonna see National Treasure 2, just me and the rugrat, and I think her lil friend. No, not that lil friend(her imaginary Mitch Conners hand), but one that actually lives and breathes, go figure!!! As long as they keep the chatter down a bit, I'm good.

Enjoy the video; learn a lesson or two, maybe...