Sunday, June 11, 2006

A Possum's Life Spared in Arkansas, Due to Kharma!!!

So here's the background to the story. I picked up a rental minivan early yesterday morning to take nine people, including myself of course, to Silver Dollar HELL. Amazingly hassle-free, the day was spent doing loopty-loops and eating overpriced country themed slop, and good times were had by all. I also found out how many times you can ride a multi loop roller coaster in a row until you barf all over the place.
Luckily, I stopped at SEVEN, it was the last ride of the day. I could taste BBQ afterwards, and I hadn't even HAD any.
So I decide to burn a fattie before I drop off the van late last night, then head on my merry way, oblivious to the dilemmas that lay dubiously in my path. After topping off the tank so's I don't get charged extra, I take the long, dark, winding path to the local airport and rental place. As I get there I realize that, as I am all alone, I will now have to walk all the way back to the car after I drop the minivan off. For some odd reason, the rental guy didn't want me to park in the same space as the van I rented, which makes no sense. I had to park in this lot way the heck in the back, meaning my walk might be about half a mile maybe. OK, maybe not THAT long, but I had been walking ALL day and my stumps were killing me. So, to avoid carrying a huge stack of cds all that way, I stopped there first. As I come up from leaning down in the seat, I see blue lights in the rearview mirror.
Although nervous, and making a silent prayer to whatever god might be listening at the time, I explained my situation. He tried to slip me up a few times but I have had, unfortunately, too many dealings with the PO-PO. No matter how baked, I don't crack under pressure. I just don't. So he drives off, to covertly ogle me from a distance. Which is fine and dandy with me, except for one thing. I'm STILL going to have to hoof it in the middle of the night! SPOOKEH...
Now, I truly appreciate the fact that Barney was "guarding" all those cars. I also am stoked that MY car really was in safe hands. However...
Once my tale was told, he didn't even offer to give me a quick, two minute ferry back to my ride. I know I shouldn't complain BUT that sadistic bastard watched me the whole way! Instead of seeing if I was gonna make penis angels on driver's side windows of expensive cars, he could have sped my journey along, saving him all that precious time as well. Makes sense to ME! Am I wrong here...?
I'm driving back down this road, hoping to end this torment by finishing strong, when I see this possum in the middle of the road. Unconciously, my hands move the wheel towards a collision course with this foul beast.
Now, let me start off by saying that possums ARE horrible, diseased, rodent looking little monsters that can stand on their hind legs and HISSS at you. This is extremely pants pissingly if you happen upon one when not expecting it. I always pictured the Morlocks from The Time Machine (the book, NOT the 2001 movie!)as having possum-like qualities. Carrion loving flesh eaters, and I've put MANY A NOTCH on my wheels from squishing the life, and guts, out of them. I really do abhor them.
Yet something stayed my hand. I swerved back over. I felt the kharma of it all overwhelm me. He just wanted to get home and possibly get some stanky on his hangdown, JUST LIKE ME! So I didn't end his life, but rode by close enough so he could feel the hot breath of my (normally) indiscriminate "Death Machine."
No-o-o-o. this doesn't mean I've gone soft, I just chose to spare a life in thanks for my OWN near miss. He will NOT be so lucky NEXT time.
I still hate possums, and always will. It's just a fact of life. They make my blood boil...
I fell into deep slumber somewhere around 3 or 4 am. Now, am kinda watching Iran and Mexico play in World Cup. Who to root for?
There can be only ONE. And it ain't Mexico either, they act like THEY invented soccer, same as they do boxing. And it sure as hell isn't Iran.
I'd actually like to see them "wiped off the face" of the field.
Worse than possums, they are...


Anonymous said...

You've got issues with possums.

Graveh said...