Monday, June 05, 2006

Join Me There...?

The world and all who dwell in it can fucking blow me! You can all continue to conspire, it will do you no good. When my time comes, it will come, brought on no sooner by the likes of any of you. And you know what? I don't WANT to go back to the days when I didn't know any better either. How do you like THAT?
Yet I'm the fuck up, the cause, the root of all the problems. In A.A. meetings they try to show you the common thread in all your problems, which is YOU. But you know what? Sometimes that's a load of horseshit. Or is it? Therein lies my problem.
AM I messed up in the head?
I refuse to believe it. But the world is bleak. Are we headlong towards utter doom? I wouldn't care and would be without a worry if it weren't for my daughter. SHE loves me, the rest of you do not. Why?
I used to want more children but am slowly coming to the realization that I can't, and shouldn't, so most likely I won't. I don't even think I will be alive all that much longer. Not by any self inflicted wound, but I know there is something wrong inside of me. Cancer?
At least something would be final in my life and I would have to figure out the meaning of "IT ALL." I just feel like I can't take it. I don't mean take it out on others or do bad things. I just mean, I don't know, like I'm just going to SNAP.
Life is a big lie sometimes. The first twenty or so years of your life are a sham. Friends and lovers are NEVER who they seem and if you still have family that hasn't been tainted, then it's a miracle. For most, the whole promise of happiness is a pipe dream. I'm beginning to think that those who die at an early age might just be the lucky ones. Right now I can definitely say I'm not a strong advocate for reincarnation. I don't want to come back. Feelings HURT, and then eventually, you feel nothing. I know it's not all that bad. But I used to remember this pounding. It came with a burning sensation. I used to feel it. It was in my chest and sometimes it would push its way up into my throat. And sometimes I would soar.
Mostly, I would fall to my impending doom. But at least I felt then.
I hate the world right now. And I wish it would just stop. Maybe just let me off for a little while. I might come back...
Who knows?

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