Dingleberries From Heaven...

No, Han!!!
Look out for that...
Nevermind.
So, like a fool I am waiting. Carbon frozed. Waiting to be thawed. Then maybe the blindness from the whole process will keep me oblivious to all that is swirling ominously around me for a time.
I laid in the dark of my room for about an hour tonight. Or layed, whichever...
Wondering...
When's gonna come my time, Lord?!?!?
Yeah, right.
I need flavor, I need the unknown. My problem is that when I find such a thing, I crush the last droplets of juice out of it quickly, hungrily, and most greedily. Then I discard and pine for the sweet nectar of that which I've...
Cast into the dirt.
Like an unwashed Wookie with dingleberries the size of baseballs.
I would like to love things, or even to love to like things. Right now, everything and everyone is an object to be used and put back in its case. Tucked away snugly for the next time. The only problem is...
Why can't you all just stay nicely fucking tucked away?
And another thing. Why do people insist on touching me? One guy I work with punches me in the arm several times a day or wraps his arm and stuff around me. I think he's gay. It would make sense since he's a deacon in a church.
I always just try to shirk as far away from him as possible. And when people strike up chats with me, they get the stare. Or a mumbled, "Huh?"
Preoccupation with the investigation of the mastication of my personal relations...
I need a vacation!

Trouble With a Capital T...

I can't believe it has all come to this. I began this blog when I was in the fairest of health. Mentally and physically. I can't believe you stole my only kiss. My only kiss...
I wish for a twist, I wish for a turn. I wish the knife wouldn't twist. I wish the knife wouldn't twist.
Amor, I am not weak. I am the strongest of wills. Let me fucking show you, let me just...
Win?
I love you, I love nobody after. I am done. I am almost done. I can't take anymore of this. I am too fragile. I am too fucking fragile. Oh, Tokyo.....................................

To be strong is to be without you. Can't you see? No matter what it is, it's suicide. Were you put there to torment me further?
I won't cry for yesterday, I will make new tomorrows. To believe anything else is to die, though I sometimes think it is better for all those around me. To die young, to die. To cease, to fucking cease, yet to be reborn anew. I can stop giving a fuck. I will not stop breathing, though. I will win, in spite of all of you. I will do it on mein own. I will hate everyone over it, I hate you all already.
I can resist you. No, I can't. Yes, I can. Didn't I already tell you my middle name is TROUBLE?

Hey Folks...

Long time no see. Sorry, been busy fucking my life up. I guess what really sucks in the end about it is that you invest so much of your time and your SELF to someone or something. Then they decide to take a giant shit all over you. I'm tired of not wanting to think or feel. I'm tired of waiting, of dreaming. Of wanting, of pining...
Of being one giant pussy. What is the point of finding out the things you think you want to know, to hear...?
I don't want to win the race anymore, I'd just be happy to reach the finish line with my head held high. I've hurt some people, and I've been hurt too. I want happiness, and for those around me to be also. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Once Again, Now Back, What Then?

Nothing but a speck of dust in the desert of your mind...
You are an asshole. A fucking asshole. I am a motherfucking tornado, and you will be fucking swept up like a motherfucking ant. You are the one that spun me thus.
You did this: to me, and to you. I will be your downfall, I will be the thing that poisoned you. If I am not with you, I hope I am the bullet in the gun that ends your playtime with my heart.
I only want your love, your touch, your everything. Women are the worst, they know your weaknesses. They exploit them. We will have a showdown. Whether you like/want it or not.
You want me to forget you? At one time you wanted me to fucking rescue you, how much of a dumbass am I?
I love you and you shit all over my heart. Every fucking day. Not only is there not room at the top, there is no top.

am i standing on the cusp? teeter, teeter. neener, neener. weakness? you are my only, only, weakness. i have never loved anything more in my life. i am poor, yet I pour myself into you. Am I a fool?
Yes.
I love you. Deep in my heart I do. Right now it only hurts. Martha, I love you. Martha, Martha, Martha.

Today...?

The one sanctuary I finally have. Day to day life makes me wanna fucking kill myself. I hate life, I hate all of you. I would totally be happy to live off the land, to fucking live...
You make me mad, you make me throw up in my own mouth. I hate you, I fucking hate you.
I really.. fucking DO. Today?
Maybe...
Why are we not exploring space?

Jizz a Lil...

Waiting for Vampire Wars to continue, I thought I'd post up. We saw Hot Tub Time Machine tonight. A+ all the way. The idiot movie critic gave it a 79% and said it was kind of Hangover-ish without as much yucks.
I loved it, and some of the surprises at the end are high-larious.
Cusack on shrooms, Craig Robinson representin' on stage, and Rob Cordry spreading drunken baby batter with wild abandon. What more could you ask for?
Also, bleached my hair blond, not sure if I mentioned it yet. I will try to snap a few pics later. Kind of waiting for it to go a little more whiter first...
Favorite song right now is, from what I gathered, an old original recording(with lyrics) of Tel Aviv by Duran Duran. I need to find the lyrics for it. The song is nothing like the instrumental version that eventually made its way on the album. I wish they still played and sang like that. It seemed alot deeper, and grander in scale. Don't get me wrong, all their stuff is bizarre and awesome. But I like the sound they had at the beginning. I'd love to hear them do Tel Aviv with Andy. I think I might actually jizz a little.

Sorrier Than You...

So I'm sitting there this morning...
No, Ronnie was not having a good time since he had to talk to people he nothing in common with.
I just wanted to go home.
Look, I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the... whatever.
I want to share how I feel, I want to just fucking share.
Yet, deep down, I cannot.
This is the darkest time of my life, can't you see?
I'm torn between thinking you are done... and that you are just testing me. I'm pretty sure I/you are delusional in the end. I keep wanting to see the good in things, you want to either forget or pretend like they never happened. You can't. You just fucking can't. How? How?
I have unfortunately lived in a dream the past four fucking years. A fantastic dream, hell yesh.
Yet you still get to wake up from it. Brain Candy anyone?
I'd love to NOT wake up from my happiest moment in life.
Why?
Because I hate life right now. I'm not sure it's ever gonna change. I said it before, and I swear I meant it. Where did I go wrong? Yes, I'm difficult to get along with. When do I get to see where I ever, never, ever, never, did right?
Can I not do a 180? Can I not come back inside your heart?
At one time I thought I never did anyone wrong by just doing myself wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Look, I grew up thinking I was never going to amount to nothing. Then I discovered music, and angst, and then I was off and running.
I think I am fixable...
I'm torn between my own prideful thoughts and the OTHER SIDE.
I find when you open up your heart it gets trampled on. Then you harden, you close up. I hate that. I really hate it...
I swear, none of this was my fault. OK, maybe 98% of it, but you know what?
I'm sorrier than you.

Vampire Wars...

So I have another Facebook account that is a little more mein own. I play alot of Vampire Wars there, and am finally getting somewhere. Pointless as it is...

I think it's finally getting better in other areas too. Festering until realisation turns to bitter resolve is the most often travelled path, yet painfully slowwwwwwwwwww.

I remember vowing to never go where I ended up going anyway. I also remember the wind blowing the hair out of my eyes just... so... they could be dazzled by the sun.

And then dazzled by other things...

Probably more dazzled by own own prideful chest beatings and cock thrashings, I'd say. It feels like the time I lost $600 at the casino, times Infinity. I must admit I nearly gambled everything away. Now, with the exception of my child, I feel utterly alone. I now wholeheartedly accept that I did alot of things wrong in the past few years, and would like to atone for it. I will also work on my mind and body, sharpening both again. With age and experience, wisdom they say, I will attempt to beat back the ravages of this ravaging ravageness!!!

Remember, people, just because you are sitting pretty high atop the peak of a magestic mountain doesn't mean an eagle or something can't still take a giant shit on your head. If your eyes are focused upon your own reflection all the time, it's hard to keep your eyes peeled for whatever may fall on your head and bring you crashing back down to Realityville.

Your, your, your!!!

See the pattern here? My choices are to get out of myself and give it all away to everyone else, or to succumb to the ME-ness and just do mein own thang. Regardless of the rest of you foolish mortals...

I wish I had some kind of USB port thingie in my ear so I could just pour it out. Then you can all just sift...

Or should I have one in my heart?

Maybe I should install one right where that gaping hole is. Maybe the flesh will just grow around it. Sure, it'll be scarred and grotesque. Who fucking cares, right?

Not this creature of the night.

I want to laugh like before, I want to feel like there are things out there to see and do again. And reasons...

Reasons for being. Reasons for caring. Just reasons.

I do not like to lose. I do not like feeling like it is better to not have anything to lose.

Burns heal easily on the outside, and over time the scars will fade to become unnoticed by the naked eye. But inside...

Recoil can be deadly. Figuratively and literally.

Meditate on that.

Mr. Self Destruct...

I uploaded this to piece of shit Youtube and they eventually blocked it in pretty much every country with net access. Too bad, it's a pretty good mashup of the three parts of a Nine Inch Nails song. I'd had Further Down the Spiral for years now, but had never really given it much of a chance. Now I likes it alot.

The world is a ghetto. I don't know which would be/is worse: believing horrible things are true or rash paranoia? I'll leave it at that. We saw Cop Out last night. Ehhhhhhhhh...

C+. It was ok, but I ended up liking Brucie better than Tracy Morgan. I guess he's funnier in cameos and bit parts, he can't carry a whole movie with his retarded banter. Also, deduct points for being directed by Kevin Smith.

I feel like I'm really beginning to hate you all again. You never let me down, or cease to fucking amaze me. I wish I could share alot of things, yet I cannot. My blog seems to have become a littering ground for mumblings and wayward meanderings that trail off...

I'm also a week behind on The Biggest Loser. I guess tonight I will watch last week's episode on Hulu and play with my ferret. I've nothing better to do with my time. I did, but no longer. Right now I'm content to just rot. Everything dies. I already have...

A feast of friends...

"Alive!" she cried.

Waiting for me...

Outsiddddddddddddddddddde.

The Ghosts Are Creepin' In...

Anybody else in them? It's a sad thing when you have to wish bad things for yourself to get out of the everyday bullshit you have to deal with...

Broken arms, the wheel to go out on your minivan so as to cause it to turn and flip repeatedly until you are thrown out of the window and smashed by said minivan...

Maybe just better to give up, turn catatonic and let people take care of you.

Awhile back, someone said I was an attention whore. They said I threw ending my life out there like it was a life raft or something...

Truth is, it hit me like a sack of potatoes. I had really many times come close, yet somehow woke up. Who knows, maybe the comments hit me right in the... pride?

I'm constantly left with thoughts on my behavior, on my... interactions with everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world.

I think when you are down, you are all alone. Thought someone loved you?

Wrong.

Thought someone was actually interested in your little take on what up?

Wrong.

Selfless acts are, more often that not, a final nail in the coffin. The day I shirk these chains and get myself completely together, someone will come along and throw another shitload on.

Hot Tub Time Machine, my ass. I can go no further than the day my daughter was born.

What I endure on a daily basis, is it fantasy?

You see things like Corey Haim passing and you go, "Hmmmmmm, that's fucked up."

Why was no one giving a shit while he was alive? Where were all of you?

Beautiful things die or are trampled underfoot. Someone do an autopsy to see what size sneaker prints were on his throat.

Lucas.

Silver Bullet.

Dream a little dream for us, won't you please?

I remember when that movie came out. Where I went to high school, fashion was Levi's and Ocean Pacific. Except for the Michael Jackson nods, that was a damn fine movie.

Ramble, ramble...

I have an IPPS review coming up at work, and I'm sure to fail. I'm beginning to not care, though.

We are set up to fail, unless we have something they want. Like pouty lips or breastices...

I wish I could set up a direct link to my brain, so whoever can pick through it and take what they wanted. I tire of this now...

I was going to join the masquerade but the Metro was late. I walked the whole way and it took my breath away...

Ha, I saw I have a follower. Waiting to see if I make the news? I'm more into the post humous accolades myself. Checked his site, loved the Michael Jackson pic with the black kid with the cum moustache. If that were really McDonald's, you'd probably have to pay extra for that...

Me tired. Yesterday I had sushi, mainly eel. I also did the Mongolian style barbecue, I think it was undercooked because I had severe abdominal pain until I passed out this morning. Add the fact that I threw some Wheaties Fuel and chipotle drenched beef ribs on top of it, and we are talking sphincter sphuckeduppedness to the Nth degree.

Sooooooo much shit I should be doing right now but I'm the most unmotivated piece of schnizz on the planet. Supposed to be learnin' myself on the finer points of... I dunno, crap about my work. Don't wanna, will probably fail. But then I can get the extra retraining. Either way, fuck whoever. Another way to pick off the undesirables or the lackadaisical...?

So I haven't seen anything since last weekend and The Crazies. How to follow up something that good? Not with Johhny Dippstick, that's for sure. And WTF?!?!?

Is there some kind of wierdo club, where you have to sip Absynthe and tease you hair like Tim Burton or have a big ol' misshapen Bonham Carter bullom head?

Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands were perfection, why so many misses with those hits, Tim? Especially looking back at his take on Batman: middle aged, complete with receding hairline and pot belly. I would love to be a director. I'm already ADD, so as long as someone kept me paid, I could churn shit out left and right. Yes, there would at least one zombie flick every year. Yes, I would still obsess over Asia Argento. No, I would not back down on my promise to refuse to work with actors I didn't like simply based on how much I hate their unrealistic beliefs. Yes, I would still do a Depeche Mode film. And the answer to today's secret question is...

Yes, but not if they were still breathing. I guess if it were during their last few gasps, it is possible. HOWEVER: As long as they never look at your face, and you're 100% sure your reflection hasn't given you away anywhere else, then sure dood. Why not? And as far as finding out if you're a non-secreter, I guess you can always get tested out. I'm personally sticking with the shaving of all body hair, coupled with freshly bought used clothing and scavenged hairs from biker bar urinals to sprinkle all over the scene. Hope that helped...

Is the video done uploading yet? I know it's on the Youtube thing at the top, but it sounds better here and it is a damn fine mix. One of the few bands my sister, Sandy, liked that was decent were/was a band called Berlin. the chick was fine and she had a fantastic voice. I always knew she'd be hot when she got older, and boy was I right.

Mexican Standoff...

Life:101.
Grow a beard, tape it up, surround yourself with gold and slaves, then bury yourself with them.
Compassion versus control.
There is never an equal pull upon things. Perfect balance would mean there was no point, no...
Fervor for the flavor?
Dreams versus reality.
They are that which drive us. Were we to pitch our tents and put away arms, we'd be lost...
Is it in our nature?
Man versus machine.
Ending fart sequence. In the end, it seems almost pointless. The fervor that everyone spouts with foam filled mouths...
Beginning smell sequence.
Loved and lost? Tasted things you shouldn't have? You know of nothing, as do I... not... know anything either.
I'm just here along for the ride. Will we burn, will we fade, will we triumph?
I am paradox, I am the Alpha and Omega.
I am nonsense, yet I'm the reason in the rhyme.
You, they, will make of me what you will. And I will do the same.




Sometimes I am the prophet. Sometimes I am the fool.
Some days are better than others...
Whatever you do, don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

Handouts and Heartbreaks...

My thoughts on it all? Hmmmmm.
Were there other highly intelligent beings, or even earlier humans, that roamed this putrid shithole of a planet before us?
I put down the black guitar, enough of that tomfoolery for a moment and ponder what I'd just pondered...
I can see it. Apparently we as a current species have the ability to analyze the fuck out of everything, then endlessly come up with formulas and solutions which will all make it better in the end.
Yet somehow we always forget to put all this knowledge to use. The whole population down to each individual person...
I don't remember what it was like to have faith in people, to look for the good in them, let alone find it. I only see the things that give me disdain and disbelief in our future.
I read a bunch of stuff about all the pharoahs of Egypt. Thousands of years of murder, degradation, abuse, oppression...
And so we see nothing has changed. We learn nothing from the past.
Nothing.
Well... maybe how to better manipulate how we're fucking our neighbor without them going, "Heyyyyy, that fucker shit in my mouth like this last week. I ain't falling for it again."
It's funny how life seems to have its ebbs and flows, its peaks and valleys as such.
In an honestly written blog, through the years, you will see this in all its fluidity. Surely this was visible in mein own personal blog, at least to an outside observer.
It would be great to secretly add extra side content for my own viewing remembrances.
Only I know what was going on in my life, my head, my everything, when I put finger to keyboard.
Right now my personal life as well as my work life are still in a tumble always.
I want things.
Give them to me.
Ha, I'm tired of standing here with my hand out...
Icarus wants to fly again, but is afraid of the sun's dangerous beams.
Coming atcha!!!

A Question of Lust...

How true. But who is right, who is wrong? Isn't it all a matter of perspective?

How many people will champion the beliefs of those who elected them to do so, even when it didn't mesh with their own personal opinions?

So how do you balance doing what is right, in your own head, with doing what others want from you?

I was a union steward a long time ago, and occasionally I was forced to go against my better judgement and do the job that was given to me when I couldn't convince a person to do the right thing. 99% of the time I could reason with someone, other times it was just going through the motions to appease them in their ill fated excursion of dumbassedness.

Some people will not be reasoned with. But then again, I'd probably be described as one of the same.

Is this a fault? When, or if, I realise I'm in the wrong, I fess up. Or try to. Ok, not always...

Do we need a hive mentality to survive? I can see the pros and cons of individuality. I just can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Is greed good, or is giving it all the right thing to do?

I think my online argument rarely goes down in flames, unless I get hotheaded and just let fly.

Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm sure I had a point in there somewhere. Am I ever wrong? Yes. I also believe I learn from it. Do I believe that what I learn does anything more than further my resolve at being a hermit someday...?

Remains to be seen.

Mammy, Mammy, Speak To Me, Mammy...

Howdeh yawls!
Today, at my work, I had to do some stupid training on something I'm never going to do, at least not there...
So my hand hurt from having to take notes. I passed with an 88%, which is better than people who did that job all the time. I also passed it on my first try, unlike most of them. They think I'm stupid, and were expecting me to fail. Some of these people are on their fourth try to pass it. Who's the fucking retard?
So anyway, there is a chick there that plays up to all the old pervs I work with. So she's getting help for stuff that we are going to get rated on. He informed me of impending evaluaion time, and when I asked for help or some tutoring, he looked like he didn't care to bother. Too bad I don't have titties.
Fuck 'em.
I wanted to go home today at 10 and stone, but I was doing that crap til 1pm. I left at 130.
Just thought I'd check in, I hope to be her more. And to put stuff on my blog that will wow and bedazzle. You may even be hornswaggled!
I have a headache, my hand hurts, and I have two more days of work. I also heard more snow is on the way. Damn you, Punxsutawney Phil!!!
Goodnight all. I sleep for now.
Or finish some Letterman.
It's all circular. Is it all coming back to me now?
Speak to me, Mammy?!?!?

Alcoholics Abdominus...

Assume the position... I watched to some vlogs on A.A. and was left with pretty much the same feelings as before.
Why? Because I'd already seen it unfurl before mein own eyes.
They want to exercise their authority over other members, or feed the monstrous beast that they'd not defeated but only cloaked it in the fur of an less predatory animal.
The beast that is pride. Ok, now let's change poses...

So add this disheartening knowledge to the fact that this cowboy needs to put his big pants on and get some shit done. Learn how to not shrivel up inside on the go and never look back.
I'm watching Letterman, pre and post NBC debacle. Inspirational guy. What happened to him was kind of like when the one skater had her boyfriend smack another skater in the knee so she'd get her spot in the Olympics or whatever.
Next one please, do it slowly. It's a toughie...

Different hypotheses fly past at blinding speed then become theory only long enough to be dashed upon the rocks of my ever brooding brow.
What will you do?
What a workout...

Brain Candy...

We went to see The Lovely Bones last night. Surprisingly, it was very good, though they could've went a little less on the trippy world that she was in after she died.
Strong B+, and that place was still pretty packed for a movie that's been out awhile...

So anyway, the vacation I took for my broken hand is nearly over. Tomorrow is the Superbowl, go Saints, and then back to work. Hope my hand can take it.

I've also done alot of thinking about everything. I'm not going into detail right now over it, but hopefully there will be some kind of change in my demeanor and what not. An overnight success story?
Hardly. But I've found, especially from drawing on past experiences, that no one is drawn to Negative Nancys. Once I get ME going again, I don't plan on travelling the same road I was on before.
Instead of a walk towards a wealth of knowledge and contented funjinx, it was more like a parade of fools.
A parade of one, at least.
You find yourself on a float, all gaudily decked out and arms flailing at the masses. Sure, they are picking up the candies you are tossing out so grandly at them. But then you feel a sting in your cheek.
They are throwing it all right back at you!!!

I don't even LIKE candy...

One Singular Sensation...

Ha, that's what it feels like right now. Surrounded by laughing, leering dickwads...
I started to get better, I started to get over, I started to pick up pieces of wisdom and reality...
Then I weakened and let Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown yet again.
When you're down I think you put out some kind of vibe. It tells everyone that you are damaged and need to be stayed away from. Yet you are the only one seemingly unaware of this. It's like being the kid sent home from school with headlice, except no one bothered to tell him he even had it. I tire of it all.

You realise that cutting the ties to all those things you thought you needed, more like needlessly wanted, is what's best for you. It still doesn't make them any easier.
One singular sensation, a tie that doesn't bind...
Instead more of a blind.
I can't even say what is in my head anymore. I want to be a mindless robot like the rest of the world or so fucking fearless that it pushes me over the top. Would it be better to have spent my last four plus years never knowing what it tasted like again? With the explosion of warmth it envelopes you with also comes the bled out feelings of despair and anguish when it is gone.
You question them.
You question yourself.
You question everything. The point of it all. Where it went wrong, where it could've been done differently, where, where, why?
In the end, you realise that the things you pine for are already gone. I don't presume to have any inklings of WTFness. As you can see, I'm a physically and emotionally scarred person.
Was I born for this, or just more prone to?
I can always remember being an emotional child. I remember feeling sadness at an early age, of crying alot. But I also remember being a fighter, of thinking that no matter what was piled on top of me, I'd get mein's. This hope lasted me until I was out of my teens. Sure, I'd seen loneliness and heartache, I'd seen the ravaged battlefield strewn with the corpses of friends and lovers...
There is a point in life where you are forced into the cruel hustle and bustle of being an ADULT.
Apparently this is when you have your dreams dashed and learn to settle. Every last thing that gives you pleasure is slowwwwwly drained away until you are left bitter and pessimistic.
You'd think that everyone else would be in the same mood, hoping to connect, hoping to rekindle the fire they'd lost. They are just as closed and jaded as you are, or are in the upswing and oblivious to your negativity.
Can't be having that, it rubs off dontcha know?!?!?
Maybe we all need balls on our chins so that every time we forgot we have a pair, all we need to do is thoughtfully stroke our chins for guidance. Or maybe someone could give us a good flicking when we are being total pussyfarts.
I can't wait to see what I'm like when my heart has hardened again. Will I shy away from the ones who need some compassion the most? Or even just give them some sort of hope that they will overcome?
Pride is deadly and those around you drool over your impending doom. That is just how it goes.
Ramble, ramble...
Bleak, I know. Hey, at least Avatar beat stupid Titanic. I hated that movie. Chicks make their men endure that crap, then they rerelease it so we're forced again. I didn't agree with the anti US sentiment in Avatar at times, but it was alot better than that farce of a movie.
I would love to make movies, to write them and see them made into reality onscreen by mein own loving hands. They'd never see the light of day. You guys want fresh, new, beautiful faces, or giant blue cat people...
I don't get you lot. I feel like Lestat. Time to board up and peek at you through the cracks awhile. See what you wierd sonsabitches are up to.
And hey, at least I've been hitting this blog some. It's always fun to look back and see where your heart/head was.
Or wasn't...

The Bombing of Your Stealth...

So I'm sitting here listening to Gordon Gano and the Ryans. I love his music and The Violent Femmes are pretty sweet themselves. Thanks for ripping Under the Sun for me, Ed.
When I was still in high school, while I was working at Wendy's, I met this half black/Nicaraguan girl who was into the Femmes. Apparently into me too, which was nice...
She unfortunately, apparently, had a boyfriend who realised it was apparently apparent that I was, apparently, doinking his girlfriend. Then, after a brief time together, she told me she was pregnant.
I knew this not to be true. So it was time to flee. But I always loved the Femmes, and actually saw them awhile back and posted it, and pics, to this very blog.
I know It's True But I'm Sorry to Say is one of the best songs in the world.

Do animals feel emotion? Do they feel regret?
I don't see any de-evolution in our future, so it'd be nice if someone would just put a kill switch on us. One that turns off the things that fill our heads with hope, then our bellies with sour grapes...

We saw Legion. It sucked, especially after the only thing messing with them were some fruity looking angels with bulletproof wings.
C-.
I'd more recommend this album I'm hearing right now.
I was liking it, but nothing seemed to be standing out to me until I heard Better Than You Know.
Buy this, or see him or the Femmes in concert.
You can't ask more from the dyin'...

Ha, even the angel and devil on my shoulders have left. They told me to try Mapquest instead.
Or Ask Jeeves.
After four years of sobriety, and several years of hellish descent after, I've once again taken up the mantle of posterboy for how not to live your life. My broken hand has mostly healed, though still a few months away from perfection, and seems to heal better than an internal orgal that needs no mention.
I'm just fucking mean, to myself and everyone around me.
I'm beginning to believe there is no cure. There is only being numb.

This would be a great time to be sent to war. I wouldn't care who I had to mow down just to... to... to... transfer the pain to someone else. Get it all out, tear something to shreds. It'd be even better if I could use my bare hands.
Yes, my hand will get better. The other things will take years of solitary confinement to get through...
And I will no longer break promises, especially to meinself.
I will fucking drive you all away, then I will achieve what I want. No need for your validation(my trepidation), your progress reports(my indignant retorts), your adulation(my evisceration).
The hunger in my stomach will fuel the hunger I have for perfection.
Freedom.
From the ties that bind.
Here's to your health.
And the bombing of your stealth...

No One Wins in a Headbutt...

Hello everyone. How is your new year going so far?
Good, good...
Oh, mine?
Ehhhhhh...
So anyway, I broke my hand on New Year's and I didn't see a doctor while I was on vacation.
I thought it would heal so sue me. Now I'm waiting to get in to a specialist Wednesday. I hope they don't have to rebreak my hand. This morning I jerked my pinkie back on the door in the bathroom. I don't think it's healing on its own.
Not good.
So I've barely worked and have seen a buttload of movies. The Book of Eli, Avatar, The Blind Side, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Youth in Revolt, Precious, and mostly everything has been ok, nothing special. I really liked Up in the Air and Daybreakers. Sherlock Holmes, the Chipmunks, the Morgans, and a few others have been stinkers.
Tonight I'm thinking about The Road. It looks nice and slowwwwwww, desolate and depressingly dark. I didn't even think it was coming out around here...
As far as what I'm going to do or how long I'm going to be off, I have no idea yet. I'll probably be up to no good, you can bet on that.
I have, however, stopped drinking and smoking. I've stayed pretty strong since day one of 2010 so wish me luck. I still chew tobacco, but not nearly as much and am hoping to wean myself away from it.
Also, lots of exercise. I've been trying to snack only on fruits and vegetables, not much meat other than fish and chicken breast oven baked, and lots of fiber.
That has been the hardest, not cheating or eating late at night. I need to get regular sleep hours as well. Since my hand is broken, I will run and work out my legs until I can play catch up with my upperbody. At least it'll be easier with no flab hanging off me.
I tried to see how much weight I could gain before 2010, but only got up to 191. I think I'm hanging around 180 at the moment. I want to get superlean at about 150-160, then add nothing but muscle after that and stay around 180-190.
Once I start turning on the body sculpting part, I won't put so much into running myself to death like before. That, my lack of eating enough meat or drinking enough water, added to really poor sleeping habits is what killed me in the end. Not to mention other things heaping stress on top of that...

Pride is a dangerous monster. It is easy to feel invincible when heads turn at your every passing.
Oblivious to the warning signs and barricades plowed over, you dunder onwards toward ever nearing doom.
Then you wake up dazed. You've been in a coma for months, possibly years.
You can take the face warmer off now, nurse.
Dreams and plans have turned to dust and blown away.
The complete spectrum of emotions has been run through, you've a sneaking suspicion that it may have been worse than just being all in vain.
Imagine if Buck Rogers had been found, but no so far in the future as he had. Just far enough ahead so that everyone moved on, forgot about him. Found a new life, said to hell with his reckless ass.
Does the dream, like the finish line in a marathon, not hurt so much if you quit after the first mile as opposed to being just so... nearly within reach, yet not so?
At least if you woke up in the 25th century, you could get the shock out of the way from the get go.
To coexist with the beautifully blinding sun, yet to never feel its soothing warmth nor bathe in its light...
To be consumed by darkness instead?
At least there won't be any more crazed, drunken ranting for a very long time.
I never read The Catcher in the Rye, but I read alot about it last night. I'm thinking about finding it. Don't worry, no kooky plans here. They said it's been copied in alot of movies, many of which I liked. I was born in 1972, so I don't see why it would've been banned in the 80's or anything. They made us read things like H.G. Wells and Mark Twain. Although The Time Machine and The Invisible Man were influential in my interests, this book around age 14-16 might have rocked my world.
Amazingly, my favorite book as a kid was Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I still think it's a work of genius that was atrociously dishonored by a movie. If someone ever really tried to make that... WOW.
I also read Stephen King from my older sister, who we all thought was some kind of witch. You have no idea how many times she tried to kill me, even as a baby. But that is another story.
I liked IT, and would love to read The Stand. Most of his stuff was crap though.
As a teen I moved to graphic sci fi/ fantasy, via AD&D Forgotten Realms. Call me a book nerd, but alot of those were #1 best sellers. I also got into alot of Jim Morrison poetry. Wierd.
Now I read anything I can get my hands on. I haven't read anything in a long time, the only thing I have in the bathroom is my handheld Yahtzee game. I'm getting tired of it. Time to find this Catcher in the Rye feller...
So anyway, there's more in this little head but I fear to tread there on this blog. I doubt anyone reads this, but still...
I feels nekked.
If I started another blog, I'd just kill it in anguish like the other.
But regardless what happens in this silly little soap opera called life, remember this:
At some point the zombie horde will sweep across the planet anyway, and the less weight dragging you down the better. They usually make you go back and rescue their poor little puppy or something else sickeningly cute and idiotically innocent.
That's when you get bit. Do you chop off that limb, or do you bind it in hopes of a miracle cure?
One's a surefire way to save yourself excruciatingly fruitless suffering in the long/short run, but you ain't gonna be doing any sweeet Eddie Van Halen licks ever again.
The other is, well... what it is. You drag your semi bloody ass around trying to get right, and in the end you still succumb.
Hmmmm, seems an easy enough decision.
How come I never see any footprints heading down that path...?

Just Us...

I think I'm dying inside...
Monetize, this neatly packaged bird has flown.
Fuck you, world.
Fuck you, world.

Push, Push, Push...

FFF. Tonight I will shed alot of things. I'm tired of feeling pain all the time. I'm tired of fighting it all. I will win and fuck everyone in the process. By the way, I think I broke my hand. Again...
I'm seriously thinking aboiut starting it all over online and forgetting about all this nonsense. And I will say I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. I never meant for this to be as it is now. You think I wanted to be sitting here wondering WTF?
No.
It is amazing that the worst recession since the last big one in the 30's wiped me out. All of my plans, all of my fucking dreams, they are all gone. Even my daydreams are fucking nightmares. I'm tired of seeing how the world lives its life, it is a fucking farce. Every dream I had crumbled. Every life I've lived has went to shit. Help. I've fallen and I won't give up, lol. I just gotta win, damn it. I just gotta...

Growing On...

I can't wait for this movie to come out, Grown Ups. I wish Norm McDonald and a few other people had bigger parts. And it would've been nice if Chris Farley were still around to join in the festivities...
Hell, everybody in the Sandler Universe could drop in. Throw Jon Heder in there, Dante, Allen Covert, Nick Swardson, John Turturro, Luis Guzman, anyone else I forgot to mention.
You know that shit would blow up.
It almost looks like it's going to be sappy, like Funny People. I liked that one, but it was more sad than anything else.
With all those guys, I want them to pile on the condiments until the heaven's are breached. So to speak...
It would be fun if they all got together and did a superhero movie, nothing serious. Or some kind of crazy wierdness, off the wall, a definite WTF.
I'd like to see them do another good stoner movie with Adam Sandler in there too, but I know he's gotta keep that semi squeaky clean image.
I know this is going to be one of those "we're older now so let's shape up after we relive some of the fun one last time" kinda deals. I don't mind as I'm nearing the 40's myself and it strikes a chord. I'd lke for them to do something a little more out there, maybe playing some wierd ass characters. Maybe once they get all this out of the way...
Softies.
I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night and it was fantastic. Lots of blood, lots of vengeance.
Ummmmmmm, strong B+. While not good enough to elicit a higher rating from me, it did have alot of strong points. Worth seeing on the bigscreen. Pay attention, though, or you will miss a few good splatters. Soon, Avatar. But probably not today because I haven't slept yet and it's 8:30 am. There is also football on so...
Time to pass the fudge out.

What, No Johnny...?

Yeah, that's about as racist as you can get.
I think there is a litle something inside me that wants to drive everyone away. To be the black sheep, so to speak...
I'm combative, I'm off keel. Find the center, even if it is nothing more than some cheap ass bubble gum that stales almost immediately.
My poor ferret. She threw her cage on the ground, I'm surprised she isn't hurt.
Trauma...

Rotting on the Vine...

The journey one takes to whatever it is that they think they need to survive is a long and arduous one...
It is not for the faint of heart, or for the weakest of wills. It is a metamorphasis, a changing of the guard, so to speak...
To strip oneself of the tainted foolishness that comes with the newly garbed and the freshly picked, right off the vine...
Oh, to live in the phantasmal. To run fingers through the ripple and to feel it's soothing liquid refreshment upon parched lips...
And then to find oneself standing on a distant precipice, afraid to leap. The dream has been lost, and victory has been snatched this day...
If such is the case...

Then why is THIS guy so pissed off.
BOOYAH!!!
Sorry, where were we?

I'm really tired for some reason and kind of dizzy/headachy. What to do, what to do?
"The Devil's work for idle hands," they say...
If I won the Powerball, I would offer to take my half and live the life of a hermit. I need only a few people to ever come visit me. The rest can just fuck off. I can do all my bills and banking online, and live somewhere way the fuck out there. Somewhere that still has internet and satellite cable...
I can bring back all the cool shit to play with, have food brought in once a week that I order, and have all the equipment and outside area to work out and run.
Live some kind of fish and plantlife type diet and commune with nature, ALONE.
Grow some killer buds, and forget the wearies of this shithole. It is a symphony of worldly clamours...
Someone shut it the fuck up.

Poof...

No feeling. No feeling. No feeling for anybody else, except for myself. My beautiful selfish...

Your daddy's gone away, be back another day. See his picture hanging on the walllllllll...

I think it takes a special breed to...

Not give a fuck. Soon I will be one of those. I want to do things like jumping out of a plane. The only problem will be whether or not I will pull the ripcord.

Although I always saw myself dying by fire, or electricity. Or an electrical fire...

I'm indestructible, or I'm the Terminator.

Come with me if you want to live.

Gawd save the Queen.

Potential H bomb.

When a Plan Comes Together...

Yeah, he could use some serious eyebrow trimming action. I know this. He knows this.
I just got back from seeing Couples Retreat. Of course everyone ends up in danger of splitting, but in the end they all find what it was that they'd lost: each other.
Barf.
Another message to listen to, to be wary of things...
Ehhhh. Real life isn't like this. It is bitter, and vengeful. It is spiteful , it is...
Just bullshit. Everything that we are fed, it is just some bogus fantasy where we tell ourselves that the whole point of being isn't just to end up in misery. Stuck. I go to work and I see everyone pairing up. It amazes me that people get mad when you talk to the person they're messing around with there. I always tell them if they have a problem, I can take it up with their wife instead. I don't care anymore as far as all that is concerned.
I don't ever want to play that wierd game, be part of all that. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. Now I don't even want to talk about any of it.
I still feel deep waves of who knows what the fuck but now it doesn't seem to pitch me as far down, or maybe I'm just numb and used to it. When I can forget it isn't so bad. It is just the times that I'm forced to remember...
So Couple's Retreat was decent. I had a few chuckles, and overall it wasn't too bad. I give it a B.
I posted on the Chiefs before, and had planned on going somewhere to watch the game. By the time I got everyone ready, they were losing. We went anyway, and miraculously they pulled it out. A win in overtime is still a win, and against the Superbowl Chumps no less.
Sorry Big Ben. Sleepytime, she comes...
That made me feel better. My team is on a two game win streak.
So one more day of work and it's turkey time. I know I keep saying it, but it is time to get back to where I was. Forget all the crap, focus. Focus. Focus.
No distractions.
No one fucking up my plan.

Wait, what plan...?
Where's Hannibal when you need him?
Instead I get Mr. Peepers.

Sparkle Suck...

I think I understand the true meaning of it all, but it doesn't make anything easier. Or take the sting out of it...

Runaway trains usually tend to run out of track at some point, or hit something hard and unyielding. Then it is time to sift through the wreckage. Any survivors...?

Nothing is left now but silent screams. The licking of the wounds would be the next logical step, though logic has had little to do with the mess up to this point.

I saw New Moon. It sucked as bad as Twilight. I had to go home and shower off the GAY when it was over. Sparkly vampires, indeed...

F+.

Now, onto other things: erm... ahhh... ummm...

Hopefully Kansas City will not get donkey punched by Pittsburg today. They were up a touchdown, but are losing by 3 now. If they pull off the upset, I will do several things I need to do with more enthusiasm. This is the promise I now make to myself.

I wish there was a happy button. I would never take my finger off of it.

But then again, if I did that it might not feel so special. I guess shit has to suck part of the time.

Go figure...

I'm almost done mourning, I'm almost done hardening my heart one last time. It is a fucking cat and mouse game, isn't it?
You want, others want, and then everybody wants. I'm torn between being self deluded and being semi right. Who knows which is which in this crazy, mixed up world...?
All I know is I've fallen farther than I've ever fallen before. If I come out of this alive I will be less than I was if that makes sense.
The only way us to conform, or die fighting it all. Nothing changes, when you sweep out the cobwebs, it begins anew. Blah blah blah.
I'm tired of talking, I want action. Blah blah blah, who cares right?

Glub, Glub, Glub...

I had alot of trippy shit to say on my blog, then got baked and spaced out looking for a picture to accompany it.
I am home alone tomorrow. What shall we do?
"XBOX 360, RE5 perhaps...?"
A lil hund'rd proof?
Something better. I'm about to be off to a jr. high football game, which is going to be lame as fuck. Not as bad as watching two chicks play pool, but still.
As far as in personal life, I'm numb. But this weed is pretty stiff stuff, because it sure brings back the flavor at times. More like a boyish innocence occasionally makes its way to the surface, bobs a few times, then goes back under for a bit.
"Drowning?"
Or living, perhaps...?
What were the sounds of a drowning man again?
You tell me, I don't want to remember.
Switch on the globe. Darken the room and put some trippy lights on it.
I don't want to look at myself anymore. I want distraction.
I will have it...

E.B.D.'s...

Hi everybody!!!
What's happening, how ya livin'?
The stickiest of the icky here. Or is that the ickiest of the sticky?
I'm the 311 man. I'm your nasty plaything, here I am...
I'm the b-side, better than the a-side. Flip me over and give me a spin...

So what have I been doing of lates? Other than late nights with Bea Arthur and the American Gladiators? Waking up to the sounds of mein own screams? Going to sleep to the sounds of mein own screams?
Right now I'm watching Bob Ueker on Letterman, and laughing my balls off.
Shaking off the dust, buffing out the rust..
Fixing to go for bust. If I must...
Ha!
Tonight will be flautas, an they are mighty fine. I often get them at Mexican restaurants, but like all of their food, much better made at home than by some sweaty illegal who hasn't yet grasped the concept of handwashing and its connection to explosively bloody diarrhea...

To Be Pegged...

What else has he done? Voicework as the Joker on a cartoon. Oh, how far we have fallen.
He hasn't aged well, as hasn't Carrie Fisher. Who knows, I'm... uhhh... I will admit I've masturbated to her in the 80's in that golden bikini, choking the living shit out of Jabba.
Who hasn't?
Sad that he never got any other kind of work. Harry Potter will see the same. The only one who ever broke out was Harrison Ford.
Leave me alone. I'm on a mission to see if there is a horseshoe buried wat up deep in his ayass...
Surrogates earlier tonight. I give it a strong B+. Him being in it dropped it down a notch. The story broght it back up to where it is now. Deal with it.
"Controlling, she says..."
I call bullshit.
Yet what good does it do in the end?
Exactly. Amazingly, right now the only voice in my head is my own. Who is there in the end? Ask yourself that in regards to your own life.
How righteous are your morals?
I would love to hear what someone who read this through from the beginning interprets this.
I bet they would totally misinterpret this.
This is a pining.
This is remorse.
The end of pity, of mourning.
"A rebirth?"
Hardly.
Unless I stop breathing, it is PUNCH OR GET OUT until I die. Headache/heartache is something that seems to be a concurrent them in my life. I guess I'm deadset on not giving up.
"She said you're trouble."
The Devil.
What us the most fucked up

Unentangled...

I am the craziest person I know. I will erase this tomorrow or whenever. Right now I can't even see straight. I'm so fucked up right now, if I left this unedited you'd have no idea, as wouldn.t I, as wouldn't I, as wouldn't I...
Fuck the Joker, I am the New World Madman. I await further instruction...
Punch or get out...

And They're Off!!!

Well, the first game of the season is in the books, and it seems my beloved Chiefs were not on the winning end of it all.

At all.

Not true, and I'm sure all the football guys will fail to notice that KC hung in there until about three minutes left in the game. The stats and final score are a bit misleading. The commentators and the referees were pretty much against us, and it was thinly veiled at times. I will say we held our own for most of the game, and didn't look bad at all. After next week with Oakland, we will easily be 1-1. We could've used this win, but worse things could've happened.

Cassell better be worth 65 million.

And he better be zinging footballs like a madman next week. We need an air game, they ran alot at first. Open the field up a bit first. Then lob one off to the side and let Larry Johnson do what he does best.

And no, I'm not talking about spitting on chicks at the local nightclub.

Fuck Ray Lewis, and that Flacco guy, too. Whoever was calling the game had nothing but gushy, gooey things to say about those guys. I thought KC had a better defense at times than the Ravens. That safety should've counted, and maybe they would've went for two on that first touchdown. That crap changed completely how the game turned out.

I do believe KC has a really good chance at turning out pretty darn good, espicially after hanging in there with Baltimore like they did.

Hope Haley stays on their butts. Hope Cassell takes command. Hope, hope, hope.

One of my favorite movies of all time. I really think this needs a reboot. I read all the Destroyer books way back when, and they need, need, need, a reworking. Unfortunately, Fred Ward was the perfect man for the jerb. Remo was the perfect man for the jerb, he just didn't give a fuck. I love this movie, I loved the books. Why can't they make this happen?

No Picture to Share...

Monetize. Just what the fuck does that mean?
And just how much is a human life worth? I'm trying to sort through this shit myself.
I will feel again when our lips touch,
I will feel again, I promise,
I will feel again when it doesn't mean much,
I will feel again when there are things I miss.
I will feel again when my life isn't so chaotic,
I will feel again when it doesn't hurt to feel,
My face feels a tick,
My face feels as if not real,
at times,
My fucking life,
It makes me sick.
I'm good , though, dood. Dood. Dood.
Dood.
I love how when you are at your lowest point everyone up and leaves you. You are worthless. Ha, am I?
I want to scream, I want to hit things. No one seems to be on my side. This is the worst time of my life, but I will be ok. In the end I will be emotionless. I will be like the rest of you. I will(not) think of only myself. I will(not) be motivated by greed. I will(not) be true to the earning of a buck. (Not) (Not).
I saw the Time Traveller's Wife. It was really good. I cried like three times. I saw many parallels in my life, without the love he had. And I broke my finger. It really fucking hurts and I have no recollection of how I did it. I woke up today and my foot hurt, and they were superdirty. I took my kid to the doctor today and I noticed my feet. Looks like a dirty hippy who trampled through a field of shit.
Such is my life, so who cares, right?
I think I'm going crazy sometimes, or am I just feeling? I am so used to being alone, and not caring. I can't even cry anymore. When I don't care, we are all in big trouble. It is much more than just not shaving or cutting my hair. I shuffle my feet, I look at people, yet I don't match eyes.
Like a butterfly, I will open up, I will...
I will.
Then what?

Love, Love, Love...

Comedy. Sympathy. Tragedy. I am the phoenix reborn. Will I learn from history or am I dooooomed. Dooooooomed to repeat it? Man, this will either be a seriously hawt ass serial killer blog, or it will peter out. Peter out...
My heart constantly falls. Not like a dip, more like a plunge.
I want many things I cannot ever have. I'm good though. Reborn, like Captain America. The first weapon, the first weapon. I am going to start a blog, and no one here will partake of it.

Taint Gonna Happen...

Put the needle on the record when the drumbeat goes like this:
"Untz untz... untz untz untz!"
Techno?!?!?
I have moved out of my computer room, and now all my shizz is nestled snugly in the corner of my bedroom. It was nice watching TV on hulu with my pc, instead of being forced to see whatever is being thrown out there on DISH. I'm also getting shit squared away so I can start doing things with my webcam, maybe do a little vlogging. The lighting is way better in here anyway so...
I also have a little handheld cam, but you gotta have an assload of lighting for that, so it's pretty much an outside thang. Either way, now I can share the gloriousness of my ferret. However, I got rid of the guinea pig over the weekend. That piece of crap was a waste of space. All I did was feed and water it, then it would fill its cage with poo and peeness, I'd clean it, and the process would start again. I couldn't sneak around the house for shit either, anytime she knew I was around, or heard me crinkling anything, she'd start shrieking because she was always hungry.
Or I'd be fucking busy, and she'd bite the bars on the cage. That can be extremely distracting when you are trying to do yo thang...
"Not cool at all."
Taint a good thang...
So I'm not missing her in the least, and I told my kid that her friend better not try to give it back. All sales final, even though it was free. And, hey, I threw in a whole giant back of feed AND bedding. Out of my hands now...
We saw A Perfect Getaway yesterday, and it was pretty decent. Steve Zahn was awesome as always, but something about Milla just bugs me. I don't find her attractive. And I knew they were the bad guys all along, the mistake of reading the wiki synopses beforehand. They didn't spoil it, but they mentioned the mother of all twists. And they tried to make it look like everyone they met up with on the Hawaiian trails was the creepiest couple you could ever possibly not want to meet up with... on said trails. I give it a solid B, but it could've done alot more with what they had. Delusional, crack loving lovers stealing people's very lives, let alone their identities.
What else can I think of? Ummmm, on vacation this week, gonna do some stuff around the house. I'm getting my insurance check finally, and it's about $3200, and that is nice to have coming in. I'm turning my computer room into my daughter's new bedroom, and I gotta buy a new dresser and bed. A few other things. She can set up her guitar in there, and I'm not sure if they are going to move the drumset out or not. Jam out!!!
"Is this guy for realz?!?!?"
Boring.
Geez, whadya want, for me to be all bleak, and how much life sucks, and wah wah wahhhh?
When I get my money, I will also be making a cage for my ferret, probably behind me. She will not like this, as she has never been caged, but I have to do this. She likes to poop wherever, and I can't seem to get her house trained. She will use the litter box when I catch her getting ready, but otherwise she doesn't seem to care.
This blog seems to have degenerated into poo and pee, body parts and drugs, murder and mayhem. At least this entry, so on that note...
I will bid you adieu.

Yes, I Fucking DID...

So many people laying the Hassle on me. I don't care. You can't get blood out of a turnip...
Not sure, but I layed out alot of uhhhhhh................ catch phrases today.
"Even the sun shines on a dawg's ass sometimes..."
DEJA VU?!?!?
Wah wahhhhh.
"Feel like I've been kicked away from the table for farting..."
Move ovah, boah...
I work alot and rarely sleep. I've noticed alot more grey, and even more facial wrinkles added upon that. Not really caring, yet not feeling complacent about all that. Did it before, ain't no thang to do it all again. Will get to the gym very soon. It is when I am in that mode that I am the most dangerous. Right now I work with really old people, I could learn alot from them but they piss me off so...
"I hate to watch them eat..."
Chewing.
Ha, you fucking people, you believe in so many things, yet have no idea.
Funny people. The Sandman knows what the fuck I'm talking about. I will either go to see Phish, or I will miss out and do what finally needs to be done. I'm tired of lying, I'm tired of it all and not feeling anything emotionally. I'm tired of fucking everything...
I'm just plain tired. People want me to succeed. People want me to fail. In the end, I will not have anything I stoopidly want now. People still hang on my every word on a daily basis. It makes me sick. Live through your own self.
All the people I care about have forsaken me. No, wait, I have forsaken mein own self. I fucking warned you.
When I do this, I will be utterly alone. I will be utterly alone. Utterly alone. Repeat. Repeat. Just kidding...
Not that nutz, just a bit down. I've done this before, this time I will not ever fall in love with anyone. I will be happy to be alone, to lie to people for sex and affection.
Love is for suckers...

Mein, All Mein...

This will be short but sweet. No dilly dallying around. I saw Funny People this weekend, and it was very good, but mostly sad. Not very funny at all. I give it an A, the Sandman shows his chops here and even throws in some Billy Madison acting for good measure.
The Collector was good too, but left you kinda wondering what up. I'm sure there will be more to come, until we are tired of it.
East Bound and Down is a fantastic show, I'm getting episode 4 tonight, and only have the 5th to get after that, but I will definitely buy the dvd when it gets cheaper. Tomorrow is Observe and Report, and it will be mein...
Oh yessssss.
It will be mein.
I think I will say fuck it all to the rest, and devour this on a nightly basis. I hope it's got alot of extras I can dive into.

Letter Nate Than Bever...

Explosions, explosions. When will it all end? Dunno, but I'm hoping things turn out alright in the long run. Time to see where fortunes wind up heeyah. I'm sorry to be so cryptic, but it's better than not posting at all. Or is it? I did a video for Nik Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good extended version. Tis up at the top somewhere. He is awesome, and he actually answered back an email I sent him at one time. Whee for me.
Not much else. Getting ready for my oral conference to see whether I get suspended or not for three days. Looks like it, as the guy that's going to do it was an asshole over the phone. Woops, guess I can't be late for a very long time.
Oh wellz...
More later. Fun and joy... and joyness.

Who Doth He Think He is...?

Some douchebag commented on my last two posts...
"Who does he think he is?"
How do we know it's a he?
Don't care personally. Either someone who got butthurt over what I said about their beloved Michael Jackson, or someone I know playing anonymous jackass.
I saw Moon yesterday. Wonderfully bleak and all that. The guy from Choke was in it, so I knew it'd be a good one. I enjoyed it immensely, and give it a solid A.
I went to the lake for some swimming, but the lake levels were way too high. Of course the jackass let me pay to get in, when he knew I'd be back to collect my refund. The pool was full, too, so no swimming today. I came back, made bacon wrapped cheddar and jalapeno brats with kraut, and soon will be kicked back on the couch watching tv.
I didn't drink this weekend, but my friend did, and I bet he is miserable for it. I always feel better without the drink, but after awhile you try to slip a few back in and WHAMMO!!!
My kid wants to run and get slimmed up, so we are going to hit the gym together. Mondays they are closed, so we are going to start slow. Hit a trail and just sun it up maybe. Chit chat. I need to get back into that. Fuck the rest of you.
The rest of you are the kind that post comments like, "You FAIL @blogging."
The kind that let shit fester away inside of you. I will not be one of you. Who do you think you are?
Who?
Coming soon: back in shape, mentally and physically. Videos will be made, stuff will be done. I will find a focus.
Michael Jackson is STILL dead, by the way. Fuck him.

Knowing is Half the Battle...

So I avoided this when it came out at the theater, and this was when I was going at least 3 times a week. Well, yesterday I finally rented it. Alas, I was unable to watch but a smidgeon.
Today, I got to finish it. To make a long story short, it sucked and the only part worth watching was when the sun scorched the planet.
And incinerated his extremely receding hairline to smithereens.
F+.
Now I'm fresh out of the shower, a svelt 175ish and beads of juicy dewyness rolling down my back. And into the crack of my ass, ha!
There's no work tomorrow, and I'm wondering if any good movies are even coming out. I kind of wanted/needed some overtime, but these three days will actually be spent recovering instead of piling on the hurt. I haven't been smoking, or drinking, so my everything feels better already as well.
I can either take the good car and have to get up early, or not go anywhere and sleep really really really late. If I do that, I won't get what I need to do done, if you dig. Decisions, decisions...

Sometimes people ask me why I'm giggling uncontrollably in a corner. It is usually because of this picture. They, however, know nothing.
Fools.

Michael Jackson on a Spit...

I went to the doctor yesterday, after the hellacious five day weekend I had before that.
Bad kidney infection, and my stomach must've gotten involved, because I threw up blood constantly Sunday, which in turn reamed out my pipes from all the acid coming back up. I pretty much didn't eat for five days, and I won't mention what else I did.
"Liquid diet, perhaps?
Indeed.
I was given ciprofloxacin, a heavy antibiotic, to knock this shit out. I had thought it was either a pulled muscle that wouldn't unkink, or kidney stones again...
But I was all nervous and jittery from you know what, and constantly nauseous. So they gave me promethazine, which I'd thought was some kind of super acid reflux killer or something.
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o sir!"
The dreams I have had...
It says it can be a heavy sedative, or great for insomnia. It was also used as an antipsychotic in the past. The chick doctor gave me the highest dose pills you can get, 25mg. If I would've taken it how she said, I'd be dead. I only finally took 1/4 of a pill last night, and boy did it hit hard. At first, I felt just kind of woozy, then extremely drousy. I fell asleep for 5-10 minutes watching Teen Wolf, then woke up all funky and kinda messed up feeling. When sleep overtook me again, I had really screwed up dreams. end of the world fare, but very vivid, very...
"Surreal?"
Frighteningly.
The things I remember, and can divulge, is that I was staying in some big hotel with family and other people I've known in the past. I was outside somewhere, and I looked to the sky. I could see this wierd cloud formation going on, like the mother of all tornadoes was spawning. Then I saw the tendrils coming out of it, and how large it really was. I alerted the person I was with, and we left. I got back to the room, and told everyone I was hallucinating or something, because I had seen what I thought to be the end of it all. Or soon to be.
"Did they confirm your suspicions of visual kookooness on your part?"
Did they ask you what you'd been smoking, and if you had any to break out?
Someone turned on the TV to CNN, and I was flabbergasted. Many things: giant figures floating on air, strange beasts, and just plain craziness. Alot of things from the bible, and they weren't happy. And no one in the room seemed to be bothered by it. Almost like acceptance of what was about to hit. I don't remember much after that. And when I woke up this morning, I was still woozy. The feeling didn't go away until, I think, I shit it out. And I've taken a shit five times now since I woke up.
I just thought I'd share what I remember since I don't usually dream, or remember them.
There was more, but of a personal nature I just can't share.

So anyway, like I said, I was watching Teen Wolf, which is an amazing movie. So many things going on at the same time, and Michael J Fox can act like a mofo. What a rare A+ movie. I also watched Knocked Up again earlier in the evening. Still good.
I haven't seen any movies since whatever I mentioned last time-ish. Debating on the Transformers, but it is superlong and I ain't big into cars, other than driving them.
Erm, what else? I was watching Battlestar Gallactica and Buck Rogers before, but had to take a break. So I'm almost finished with Silver Spoons now. Great, happy little show.
"Remember when your sisters curled you hair underneath at the bottom so you could look like him?
Then the curling iron burn you received on your neck?
Ha, we also tried the Flock of Seagulls 'do on me as well. That bird was not a healthy one.
Oh yeah, Michael Jackson. He died. Oh wellz.
Big deal.
I will say it. Fuck that pedophile. It's ok to pass trauma like that on because A: Daddy did it to him first, and B: he's so-o-o-o-o-o-o talented it should just be overlooked. How much did he pay in that settlement again? You don't pay if you didn't do it. It's like O.J. going free from murder charges only to find him negligable in their deaths...
Moments of silence they give him.
Why couldn't we have gotten that when he was alive, like...
Not having to hear about his legal woes, or what his other crazy family members were doing, or his music. Ha!
Raised up on a pedestal, I guess. And alot of lonely, demented buffoons worshipping him as a god. Downright pissed if you say a harsh word...
"On a pedestal..."
Should've been put on a spit instead.
Waddya want, a wing or a thigh...?

What up, Mofeckle?

How yo dick hangin'?
Low I hope...
Dennis Chevante. The man. I can't wait until Observe and Report comes out. Trying to think what else I'm waiting for, but they, if they even exist, elude memory for now. Dang it.
When I'm done here, I'ma go looking online to find out. A+ movie all the way. The director is the same as Foot Fist Way, and Danny McBride even makes a "guesty".
I just made that word up. Yay for me!!!
I also happened to be digging through a $5 bin at Best Buy with no hope in sight, when I spied Silent Rage. I'm sure if I watched most Chuck Norris movies now, I'd cringe like I do when I see the A Team. Doesn't have the same effect. But this one is Chuck versus the guy that's pretty much like Mike Myers without the mask. Kung fu plus Sci Fi plus the Country equals what?
An A+ plus movie still. I highly recommend.
What else: Sunshine Cleaning. A+ as well. Great movie, the kind of which gets overlooked and underseen. Too bad, and Steve Zahn makes an appearance as a sleazy exboyfriend/cop/still current lover.
Nothing else. Shopping around, so to speak.
Saving my soul...
"He has one?"
I think he's being sarcastic.
I also just finished season one of Charles in Charge. I have finished up finally tonight, and only wish they had season two. Great show, I wonder why Chachi died out of stardom? I mean, he was still banging away at some high profile poonanner even after he fell. Mind boggling.
I need to remember how to properly search Hulu so I can find new things to watch.

Shun...

I am always being led to Candy Mountain, but no more. Strength. Unicorns. Pink and violet. I once again am free, and care no more. Free to be me, free to be.
Yay for me.
Working out, very hard, very...
Diligent in my feeding habits. I saw a movie tonight that I expected to suck: it was called Expired. This guy is one step away from being a serial killer. I could but I'd be more the vigilante. I could never kill anyone who didn't deserve it. My only reason is revenge, though it is not much better.
Justice?
Why not?
Shun the nonbeliever, shhhhunnnnnnnnnn-nah.