One Singular Sensation...

Ha, that's what it feels like right now. Surrounded by laughing, leering dickwads...
I started to get better, I started to get over, I started to pick up pieces of wisdom and reality...
Then I weakened and let Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown yet again.
When you're down I think you put out some kind of vibe. It tells everyone that you are damaged and need to be stayed away from. Yet you are the only one seemingly unaware of this. It's like being the kid sent home from school with headlice, except no one bothered to tell him he even had it. I tire of it all.

You realise that cutting the ties to all those things you thought you needed, more like needlessly wanted, is what's best for you. It still doesn't make them any easier.
One singular sensation, a tie that doesn't bind...
Instead more of a blind.
I can't even say what is in my head anymore. I want to be a mindless robot like the rest of the world or so fucking fearless that it pushes me over the top. Would it be better to have spent my last four plus years never knowing what it tasted like again? With the explosion of warmth it envelopes you with also comes the bled out feelings of despair and anguish when it is gone.
You question them.
You question yourself.
You question everything. The point of it all. Where it went wrong, where it could've been done differently, where, where, why?
In the end, you realise that the things you pine for are already gone. I don't presume to have any inklings of WTFness. As you can see, I'm a physically and emotionally scarred person.
Was I born for this, or just more prone to?
I can always remember being an emotional child. I remember feeling sadness at an early age, of crying alot. But I also remember being a fighter, of thinking that no matter what was piled on top of me, I'd get mein's. This hope lasted me until I was out of my teens. Sure, I'd seen loneliness and heartache, I'd seen the ravaged battlefield strewn with the corpses of friends and lovers...
There is a point in life where you are forced into the cruel hustle and bustle of being an ADULT.
Apparently this is when you have your dreams dashed and learn to settle. Every last thing that gives you pleasure is slowwwwwly drained away until you are left bitter and pessimistic.
You'd think that everyone else would be in the same mood, hoping to connect, hoping to rekindle the fire they'd lost. They are just as closed and jaded as you are, or are in the upswing and oblivious to your negativity.
Can't be having that, it rubs off dontcha know?!?!?
Maybe we all need balls on our chins so that every time we forgot we have a pair, all we need to do is thoughtfully stroke our chins for guidance. Or maybe someone could give us a good flicking when we are being total pussyfarts.
I can't wait to see what I'm like when my heart has hardened again. Will I shy away from the ones who need some compassion the most? Or even just give them some sort of hope that they will overcome?
Pride is deadly and those around you drool over your impending doom. That is just how it goes.
Ramble, ramble...
Bleak, I know. Hey, at least Avatar beat stupid Titanic. I hated that movie. Chicks make their men endure that crap, then they rerelease it so we're forced again. I didn't agree with the anti US sentiment in Avatar at times, but it was alot better than that farce of a movie.
I would love to make movies, to write them and see them made into reality onscreen by mein own loving hands. They'd never see the light of day. You guys want fresh, new, beautiful faces, or giant blue cat people...
I don't get you lot. I feel like Lestat. Time to board up and peek at you through the cracks awhile. See what you wierd sonsabitches are up to.
And hey, at least I've been hitting this blog some. It's always fun to look back and see where your heart/head was.
Or wasn't...