Saturday, August 28, 2010

Assface...

Have I been showing my ass again?
Worked today, had lots of drama there. Probably going to get some idiot schlub fired who served me a shitty breakfast in the cafeteria. Long story, but an email got sent to the VP of the company which got a response in about five minutes.
Heads rolling and asses handed...
I was supposed to go to some idiot party where they were going to kill two goats, then they were going to do karaoke. Somewhere in there I guess I'm some douche racist for getting sick on some shitty Mexican food, pardon moi, and got uninvited. Like I wanted to go anyway. They also said I complained about how shitty Mexican music is, which it is...
Well, it is!
So I think we were talking about seeing that new Exorcism movie. I bet it will suck, but we will see. Saw Survival of the Dead, it wasn't bad, but the CG was cold and lifeless. I think that's what pisses most of the fans off. Gotta do it right.
Someone give George Romero a decent budget to work with then. Fans bitch, but I don't see them chipping in...
OK, mein little chalupas. Time to check da Bookface.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Flying Fucked-Upped-Ness...

I get knocked down...
But I get up again?
Sadly, I am like Jason. I can't be killed.
Believe me, I've tried. I just don't think it can be done. I drink, I smoke, I masturbate too close to the screen. I even stand with my nuts next to the microwave when I'm cooking a kickass BBQ beef sammich...
So that, just in case, my kids still unborn will be too blissfully retarded to know WTF is going on in this mixed up shithole.
Dark sun rose on the ridge, cut clear across the sky,
As good a day as any to die...
No reservation, madam,
No reason to know why...
Running late, stiletto heels,
Try to cruise, send out the wheels...
Daily, I get no reprieve from the thoughts that torment me so. I get to see where I went wrong, I get to see...
The mess that was created. I'd say by me, but I'm not entirely sold on that point yet. I will say I'm not without fault.
I guess I'm just saying that anyone caught in the wirlwind of my bullshit came there of their own volition. You thought I was sane: I am not.
You thought I was just rolling in the motherfucking dough: I am not.
I will never trust or believe in something that is too good to be true. I can still smell the sizzled flesh from the last time.
I would like to believe you never meant to hit me in the face like this, metaphorically speaking... of course.
When you live on the hopes and dreams of other, and forget about yourself, then at some point you will be thrown to the wolves.
Torn asunder. Where do you go from there?
I do not GET ants, or anything else in the animal kingdom. Is evolution a one way ticket to suicide?
Does our thinking lead us off the beaten path to spiritual enlightenment?
Hogwash and poppycock!!!
You spend your life in preparation for this day,
Breathe in the air, it's loaded with fame...
check out those weapons, sister, before you hit that fray,
String of pearls meet bits of gems...
ENTER THE BATTLE OF THE LENSES...
I want nothing, yet I want it all. I want to want nothing perhaps. Is this a struggle we all yet face?
I pretend to know nothing. Sadly, I know how it all turns out.
Want to know where it all leads?
We live in a cruel world where innocents die daily, yet we couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. Personally, I'm oblivious to it all. You could die in front of me and I couldn't give a flying fuck...
I live to not hear the noise of your dying breath. I live to hear you just not BE anymore.
I also like to project feelings about myself...

TBC...

I think I petered myself out writing all that. Vacation going good so far. Talked to my nephew on Facebook, and friended a few cousins around the world. My dad keeps posting up some pretty kickass pictures on his page. I put a link up on the top right corner of the page to my page.
Page, page, page.
Paging Dr. Douchebag...
I realise my ramblings are not as interesting when I'm sober, but I'm sure that will be remedied in no time flat. I also need a smokie smokie or three to wash it down with. It just seems like the internet is dead to me lately again. I guess I should watch my words because that is usually the cue for my net to go down and leave me hanging.
I watch alot of documentaries and read alot online. And anytime someone poses a question I'm not sure about... I find out. Then I read a little farther back into it. I like to be in the know when I'm talking.
Sadly...
To be continued.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Die-alysis...

Ouch, my liver...
I live in Arkansas, where they don't sell liquor on Sunday. Probably a good thing.
Wonder how this is going to affect me down the road.
Ehhhh, who cares, right?

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Kylie Minogue Me...

ehhhhh, kylie minogue me.
please?

The I Don't Have a Picture Post...

So I'm sitting here, right?
Mulling over the bad decisions in my life over a few or more drinks...
Which is worse, gambling or drinking?
At least I'm true to myself with my weaknesses.
Sometimes I feel like the 7th Stranger. A troubador for trouble, a bard for burglery of booteh.
I'm definitely, and easily, a wordsmith. Yet, I'm the Jim Morrison without the star power. Maybe someday...
I'm meant for bigger and better things.
Dare you join me?
Deep, dark piano lines are drawn, the shades are closed. The mental masseuse is now in session...
SING BLOO SILVER!!!

Friday, August 06, 2010

Denial...

I am the ax man... uhhhh, man.
The thing I like the most about myself, although I have MANY faults, is that I can let fly with my emotions and make sense.
Maybe even sway you...
Letting fly is probably the hardest thing to do, because it gives people preconceived notions...
Let alone false ideas where you stand. I can understand how people try to rationalize things they do not understand. I just can't understand how people can go against their core beliefs to justify bringing an end to the means when it means tearing down the shit you grew up supposedly knowing and learning what was true.
I'm just trying to figure out ME, people.
Ohhhh, you're just a fallen hero.
Sadly, in life, many noteworthy deeds get trampled in the mud. they get misunderstood, they get
misinterpreted. People wnt to see what they want to see, rationale be damned!!!
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no....

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I love you guys...

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Sift Through This...


Dinner for Schmucks...
The only really funny parts were with Zak and Carell trying to mindfuck with each other. It was more miss than hit for me. I think Zak needs his own vehicle to superstardom. A spinoff of this with Carell, anything. Rudd was lame and wishy washy as usual.
B-.
So I was surfing the net, thinking about all this deep ass shit. Or stonily thinking it was...
Until I finally thought it'd be a good time to share here.
By then I'm depleted. Nothing witty or silly.
It's one in the a.m.
I should be asleep. Just a few more...
Pshwoooooooop. Pshwoooooooooooooooooop.
Finishing off My Name is Earl.
I'm such a wild mofo.
Waiting for the phoenix to arise from these cigarette ashes...

Sunday, August 01, 2010

I Just May...

Oh... mah... GAWD.
I have a fucking hangover. And my armpits smell like someone rubbed a Big Mac on them.
Last night I slammed a pint of 100 proof vodka.
Why I did this, I'll never know.
I had a good time, though. Today I signed into my other Facebook account and checked out the 20 year reunion I didn't go to pictures.
OK, just took a shower. I feel better but still...
Something is amiss.
Somebody better get their shit together, because this cowboy is heading out west if it doesn't.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

School Spirit Shakes...

Hi, gang. I just got back from seeing Zac Effron in uhhhhh...
Charlie St. Cloud, which I just had to look up, by the way...
C, just for the supernatural element.
So, not sure how long I haven't posted, but what are you gonna do. Sue me?!?!?
I'm covered in bug bites, which I though were fleas, but they were only mostly on my hands and lower legs. I'd always noticed these were the only exposed parts when I'm sleeping.
This morning I was doing something in the kitchen when I felt a tickle on my lower back. I smacked at it and noticed a wetness. It was a juicy mosquito, so I'm guessing he was the culprit. Fucker was living off us, mostl;y my fingers. Well, no longer. You just got knocked the fuck out!!!
My neighbor has a above ground pool thing that he didn't fill, but has rainwater and grass goo in. Idiot is unknowingly breeding those bastards like... mosquitos!!!
I have been spending alot of time watching Flip Schultz comedy, and his character by the name of Skippy Greene. He got knocked out of the tryouts for Last Comic Standing this season, though he told me in a message he'd gotten alot farther in season 4. That's right, friended him on the old Bookface...
I know it means nothing. Heck, when Nick Swardson was putting Grandma's Boy out, he was pretty accessible too. So, anyway, the guy is hilarious. I thought Skippy was naughty, but Flip is akin to a Jim Morrisonesque style comedian. He dares to shock and piss you off some. I like that.
And he has yet to piss me off. Or shock me.
Just don't talk about my mama...
So, me then?
Ehhhhh. I'm doin'.
I think it's going to be me, a bottle of spirits, and a pack of cancer sticks on the horizon tonight.
Just how fucking dark does it have to get before the dawn?
Hmmmm?
I feel like the drowning man that is barely still treading water, but finds his second wind.
Yet it is what it is: a second welling up of strength... to do what?
Prolong doom, nothing more.
False hope.
Right now everyone else's straw seem to be stretched towards mein milkshake.
And they all like to renege on their promises.
I needz to find my metaphoric pair of scissors to snip, snip, snip away the plastic probosci probing at mein main mojo...
Put on that black suit and become the man in black again.
Let this not be another second wind, only prolonging, never relieving...
I can't imagine what hell would be like. And heaven better not be more of what we have down here. Everything is so depressing most of the time. Please, tell me that death ends it.
That I don't just go somewhere else to die over and over again.
I need some high fives in there to muster up enough to continue sometimes.
Otherwise there is no point, capiche?
I wanted to see Dinner for Schmucks today. I fucking ended up with Zac Effron.
How does that work out like that?
My milkshake is empty now, let me borrow yours.
Notice I didn't punctuate that as if it were a request.
That is because it wasn't.
So hand it over, Fuckface.
You too, Obama loving sheeple.
(Sorry, just had to throw that one in there.)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Just Do...


Yet, there's more...
I secondguess my own motives. I wish I was dead. I stayed over guilt, or what was it?
Dread?
Why does it hurt so much? I hate this part of my life, my death... my undeath...
The change hurts. Or is it my pride?
I wish I could hear from somebody. I have no friends once again...
Ehhh, I probably do, but I can't hear them anymore. I can't hear anything but what I want to hear...
Which is nothing. I can't hear you... I can't hear you anymore. If I ever get back to where I was before I will continue to grind away at, not build upon, what undid me. You hurt me, Martha, more than I've ever let anyone hurt me. It'd have been better if you'd slapped or spit upon my face and just told me to fuck off. When I kissed you, I meant it. Always did I mean it. It hurts me to think you may have kissed me and didn't mean it at the time, like you did it to keep the wolves you thought were at bay...
I bared myself. To you. As much as I could...
I tasted life as you would show it to me. I didn't try to kill it. You could've told me that night that you'd moved out. Was I too late, even then
I get it...
Pain for me, a learning experience. Then why does it feel like I was revenged upon?
Answer in the title.

The Quirky Jerk...

Can you tell I haven't really been AT my keyboard for years now? Right after I started this blog, at a time when I was at a peak...
Physically and almost mentally...
Well, as much as the mind could facilitate...
And so I once again tried to shake off the bonds of my absurdity and rejoin society once... again
I know now that I wasn't in love, I wasn't in love with anyone...
I was in love with what I'd become...
Loved.
Wanted.
Fantasized about...
Now I am the one who lives in fantasy. A fitting demise, perhaps?
No, I refuse this ending. Rewrite, give me a motherfucking rewrite.
To live in a world where I was played isn't any worse than a world where I was the player...
The dabbler...
I'm starting to think you are either a fool, or the fooled. And when I say you, I mean me...
Are we always on the up/downside?
Kicking or being kicked, it is all wrong.
So let's do the move with the quirky jerk. I'm not talking about your date, either...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

No, I Said She's Fucking Goofy...

Facebook is the devil...
Vampire Wars and Bejeweled. Waste of time. I saw The Sorceror's Apprentice tonight, it was very nice. I liked it very mucho. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
The shadows are a'comin'...
Not to mention the bags under mein eyes...

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hungy Like Da wolf, Anyone...?

Leo DiCrapio...

So wow, I've been posting alot recently. Now if only some of it were worth reading...
Got sinus troubles so I stayed home today again. I sat around and watched videos online all day, mostly of Norm MacDonald. I love that guy. I wonder what he is like away from the camera or microphone.
Especially after a few drinkypoos...
I'm not sure if we are seeing Inception tonight, or WTF in general. I don't feel like doing anything in particular other than partaking of this fine herb.
"Ere, want some?
We saw Get Him to the Greek the other day, it was so so. Alot of Jonah Hill taking it up the butt. I liked it, but Russell Brand is a freak and I can't stand him. And P Diddy?
It's kind of like Inception as well...
Everybody in it is awesome except the douchebag playing the main character, Leonardo DiCaprio. Why do people insist on shoving him down my throat?
Fuck off already...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Scar Tissue...

Prideful pride...
Now tearful tears...
Then shameful shame...
Why?

Why?

Why?

The things I used to fantasize about seem far removed. You want to know what goes through my mind? What tickles my fancy?
Revenge. Saying fuck it and leaving everyone but my daughter. Then winning the Powerball. Going to see everyone who done did me wrizzong. Doing my song and dance, then waiting for them to beg me to take them back, or to love them, or to...
I've even had the murdering people I hate dream thang. I remember wishing people dead as a child. It is amazing the defense mechanisms we create to deal with all the bullshit in life we have to go through. Some of these never go away untreated.
I went to an A.A. meeting with my kid. Someone chose to pick on me, call me out. Uncover my hiding place...
Wrong tactics there, bub.
She was right, in the end. I will most likely be alone. I sacrificed so much to be with her, then when it fell through...
Who the fuck does she think she is, Dionne Warwick?!?!?
I'm left with nothing but the things I tried to shirk. Except for one person, the person I've done everything I could for.
I wish I could close my eyes and find myself back... back... back...
1990?
1987?
Clarksburg?
Marshall?
Eldon?
Martha?
Irma?
Lisa?
The womb?
There is no womb in the room. Or vice-versa...
I love how this blog, over time, has turned into a pity party. Love will do that to you.
Sometimes I wonder what strange emotions mein own child feels. I remember feeling burning love even in elementary school. Older girls...
My first nude girl at ten when she was 14, sans intercourse...
Then 6th grade, when I briefly had a girlfriend who was in the 8th grade. Then Lisa, who was in college whilst I was in high school. Then Irma, then that chick post Irma right before I got this jerb. She was the oldest chick I'd fucked for a long time. Thirty when I was twenty...
Sadly, I was actually semi proud of that.
Another woman taking advantage. I also remember a beautiful woman wanting me to whisk her away from an abusive boyfriend. Wanting to use me, wanting to suck me dry, then comes the discarding of the husk...
I wonder if, later, I will be able to decipher, years from now, just what the fuck I was saying here. I wonder if the words I put down are the words of a madman, or just that of the maimed...
The injured...
Mortally wounded?
Ample opportunities. Lack of gumption. The tools I need to fix my life are out of reach, or so it seems. I don't want to be lost, yet I stare off into space. I'm a walking, talking, motherfucking paradox.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen...
I'm sad for us all. Mostly sad for me, but what can you do?
My egocentrism. My masochism. The sadism that goes along with it. My need to control...
To be the conductor, I'm a one man show. I'm like Robin Williams only funny and still sometimes relevant. A revenant...
Am I trouble?
Do I lack a soul?
A.A.'s foundation, their "cornerstone", is GAWD. I cannot, and will not, pretend. I cannot pretend I believe in something so fucking far fetched. I hate life, I hate the feeling that I'm plummeting to my doom. Yet not only am I fascinated by it and drawn like a moth to the flame, it is akin to orgasm. Doom...
Dooooooom.

A Different Corner...

This one is short. I'm missing you tonight.
Why?
I read that he is dead, since Friday. In the ground by Saturday.
I wonder...
Had we left each other alone, would things be different and better?
Would you and he be happy somewhere, wherever, whilst I hadn't stopped to dally?
If this date was slated to be, then I think maybe we would've been doomed anyhow.
Fuck me, life sucks. I seriously feel like a drink. Then another...
Then the rest.
I want you to fade. You refuse to.
I refuse to let you.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Mantis...

I will nibble and polish the tops of your minds,
(the tops of your minds...)
And leave your ripe melons as nothing but rinds,
(nothing but rinds...)
So when I have moved on and you've turned to dust,
(you've turned to dust...)
Now remorse is long lost, returned is the lust...
(lust is a must...)
There's no time to wallow,
In pools of disgust,
I want to feed on you...
To polish your trust.

I'm mixing together a new video to some shizz I mixed together. Hope it turns out sweeet.
I will share later...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Coup D'etat...

My brain is throbbing. Not sure why, but it is definitely hijacking my mood. It feels like my head is on one of those swizzle sticks in a hurricane. Or one of those fucking bobbleheads...
I should be fine. It is warm out, and I've actually caught up on some much needed dozing.
Maybe it's all the thoughts in my head. Get divorced?
I think I'm going to sit back and watch. If things don't pick up in my life, I'm going to do drastic things, things that have been warned about...
Why does it always suck huge throbbing donkeyballs? There was a time when I didn't feel like this...
I will again, but there will probably be hard times to come before then.
Hindsight is 20 fucking 20, my friends...
Too bad life isn't like window's paint.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mein Royal Donkeypunch...

I'm sitting here watching a Kids in the Hall sketch called Hitler Fucks a Donkey, and it got me thinking...
Just about alot of things. Hell, I guess even farther back than the past four years.
Of things, past perceived failures, that I've beaten myself up over in the... uhhhh, past.
I seem to attract some fine ass girl pussy from time to time, yet my fatal flaws kick in everytime. Whether it be inopportune opportunities, or just the darndest luck...
The window always seems to slam down on my already mangled digits.
Stories, and more on top of that I could tell.
Yet now I think of a time when I could surf the net and never tire of watching old Solid Gold episodes, or any other trivial pursuit.
This is the time that I hate: when nothing tastes, nothing feels, nothing IS.
It WAS, now that what is not is no more. Was it ever?
I want things given to me, handed over rightfully so. I deserve these things, give them to me now.
The keys to the kingdom are MEIN.
I had other things to say, much deeper, but I don't feel like saying anything of importance now.
Anger has mostly given way to despair. I've yet to feel that spark again, the one I need to rebuild...
Carefully plan the demise of all who stand in my path to righteous domination of, well...
All of you. Fools.
Dance, monkeys.
Do this now for Your Royal Holiness. Or Unholiness, take your pick.
I also saw Predators tonight. It was pretty good. Go see it.
Fuck Eclipse.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mutt Slexicans...

Where am I, under that pile of sweet tasty buds?
I wish.
It's so dry here right now you could towel off with it...
I'm ok, though.
Connection, connections. Friends. Amigos.
Tonight I am going to see Grown Ups, but for now...
Puff, puff, pass. And lay low with some of the late Andy Gibb to tide me over.

"I'd rather you be a slut than a Mexican-n-n-n-n-n-n!!!"
Random quote from the Youtube video I'm listening to...

So wow, posts here two days in a row. Is this some sort of new beginning?
Or an end to an end?
Zip-doodle.


Monday, June 28, 2010

To the Slaughter...

My Queen...
In the end it would be better to have never been awakened. You lay dying at the end of my blade. Ebbing...
Flowing...
Into me, and out of me. My feelings for you wrestle each other for yet but a toehold...
I dream, of course, of things past.
Lost, I am, at times. Mortally wounded at others...
The undeserved cry unashamedly for themselves.
The Eternal Champion is reluctantly born anew.
Shackles are thrown off, to be shown a new... larger cage.
One without bars, yet without options...

So many parallels do I draw with Elric. I kill all that I love and draw their strengths selfishly into myself. Then comes the move where I use my foot to push you off the end of my sword...
Oooof.
I see and experience things that occasionally seem too much to be coincidence. Places I'm forced to wander, like I'm being led. But to what?
Bahhhhhhhhhhh......

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Fussy Part...

Laughing Asian babies always lighten the mood, almost as much as puppies from around the world. Or not.
Let's pretend, though that this is utterly true. Right now I am smoking the stickiest of the icky and the ickiest of the sticky. It's 1:35 am. I'm getting kinda mesmerised by all this baby-cutely-ness...
So I saw Jonah Hex today. It wasn't bad, I give it a B+. I was completely gong showed through it and munching on plain M&Ms, so that was superkickass.
Anyway, I thought I had some shit to say, because I was getting bored of watching heckler videos and George A. Romero interviews on Youtube. Then my mind went blank here and now it just feels awkward with everyone staring at me. Waiting, hanging on my...
Pussy fart.
Yeah, I said it.
And you knew it was coming.
Short term memory loss brought on by the chuffing of the peeba, or brain freeze from downing a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby?
Or a combination of the two?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Own Thunder...

So I got a new computer. And lost a few things...
There is nothing now but singed feathers and cooked flesh.
What will rise from the ashes this time?
If it makes any sense, I am saddened and relieved at the same time for all that has befallen of me in the recent weeks. I am now free to... be free?
If someone had left me the fuck alone around New Year's, I'd be totally fine by now. People are evil deep down. I often wonder if you are all just some... thing to keep me amused, or busy, or numb. The inner workings of us all are selfish in nature. Let's look at the extreme, shall we?
Bono.
If our egos were to be set loose, would we not thump our chest in victory over all the naughty things that we vanquished? That guy is up to no good. And their music has sucked since Zooropa...
I just don't know. I'm waiting to hit that peak again, or to be on the upswing of things. I want to start working out again, but my rib just isn't quite there yet. I need something that I do not what it is. Or where. Or even the why...
People keep trying to tell me there is a point, but I'm starting to think they are pulling my leg. That or spitting up my ass and telling me it's raining.
I make my own thunder, though...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dingleberries From Heaven...

No, Han!!!
Look out for that...
Nevermind.
So, like a fool I am waiting. Carbon frozed. Waiting to be thawed. Then maybe the blindness from the whole process will keep me oblivious to all that is swirling ominously around me for a time.
I laid in the dark of my room for about an hour tonight. Or layed, whichever...
Wondering...
When's gonna come my time, Lord?!?!?
Yeah, right.
I need flavor, I need the unknown. My problem is that when I find such a thing, I crush the last droplets of juice out of it quickly, hungrily, and most greedily. Then I discard and pine for the sweet nectar of that which I've...
Cast into the dirt.
Like an unwashed Wookie with dingleberries the size of baseballs.
I would like to love things, or even to love to like things. Right now, everything and everyone is an object to be used and put back in its case. Tucked away snugly for the next time. The only problem is...
Why can't you all just stay nicely fucking tucked away?
And another thing. Why do people insist on touching me? One guy I work with punches me in the arm several times a day or wraps his arm and stuff around me. I think he's gay. It would make sense since he's a deacon in a church.
I always just try to shirk as far away from him as possible. And when people strike up chats with me, they get the stare. Or a mumbled, "Huh?"
Preoccupation with the investigation of the mastication of my personal relations...
I need a vacation!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Trouble With a Capital T...

I can't believe it has all come to this. I began this blog when I was in the fairest of health. Mentally and physically. I can't believe you stole my only kiss. My only kiss...
I wish for a twist, I wish for a turn. I wish the knife wouldn't twist. I wish the knife wouldn't twist.
Amor, I am not weak. I am the strongest of wills. Let me fucking show you, let me just...
Win?
I love you, I love nobody after. I am done. I am almost done. I can't take anymore of this. I am too fragile. I am too fucking fragile. Oh, Tokyo.....................................

To be strong is to be without you. Can't you see? No matter what it is, it's suicide. Were you put there to torment me further?
I won't cry for yesterday, I will make new tomorrows. To believe anything else is to die, though I sometimes think it is better for all those around me. To die young, to die. To cease, to fucking cease, yet to be reborn anew. I can stop giving a fuck. I will not stop breathing, though. I will win, in spite of all of you. I will do it on mein own. I will hate everyone over it, I hate you all already.
I can resist you. No, I can't. Yes, I can. Didn't I already tell you my middle name is TROUBLE?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hey Folks...

Long time no see. Sorry, been busy fucking my life up. I guess what really sucks in the end about it is that you invest so much of your time and your SELF to someone or something. Then they decide to take a giant shit all over you. I'm tired of not wanting to think or feel. I'm tired of waiting, of dreaming. Of wanting, of pining...
Of being one giant pussy. What is the point of finding out the things you think you want to know, to hear...?
I don't want to win the race anymore, I'd just be happy to reach the finish line with my head held high. I've hurt some people, and I've been hurt too. I want happiness, and for those around me to be also. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Once Again, Now Back, What Then?

Nothing but a speck of dust in the desert of your mind...
You are an asshole. A fucking asshole. I am a motherfucking tornado, and you will be fucking swept up like a motherfucking ant. You are the one that spun me thus.
You did this: to me, and to you. I will be your downfall, I will be the thing that poisoned you. If I am not with you, I hope I am the bullet in the gun that ends your playtime with my heart.
I only want your love, your touch, your everything. Women are the worst, they know your weaknesses. They exploit them. We will have a showdown. Whether you like/want it or not.
You want me to forget you? At one time you wanted me to fucking rescue you, how much of a dumbass am I?
I love you and you shit all over my heart. Every fucking day. Not only is there not room at the top, there is no top.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

am i standing on the cusp? teeter, teeter. neener, neener. weakness? you are my only, only, weakness. i have never loved anything more in my life. i am poor, yet I pour myself into you. Am I a fool?
Yes.
I love you. Deep in my heart I do. Right now it only hurts. Martha, I love you. Martha, Martha, Martha.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Today...?

The one sanctuary I finally have. Day to day life makes me wanna fucking kill myself. I hate life, I hate all of you. I would totally be happy to live off the land, to fucking live...
You make me mad, you make me throw up in my own mouth. I hate you, I fucking hate you.
I really.. fucking DO. Today?
Maybe...
Why are we not exploring space?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Jizz a Lil...

Waiting for Vampire Wars to continue, I thought I'd post up. We saw Hot Tub Time Machine tonight. A+ all the way. The idiot movie critic gave it a 79% and said it was kind of Hangover-ish without as much yucks.
I loved it, and some of the surprises at the end are high-larious.
Cusack on shrooms, Craig Robinson representin' on stage, and Rob Cordry spreading drunken baby batter with wild abandon. What more could you ask for?
Also, bleached my hair blond, not sure if I mentioned it yet. I will try to snap a few pics later. Kind of waiting for it to go a little more whiter first...
Favorite song right now is, from what I gathered, an old original recording(with lyrics) of Tel Aviv by Duran Duran. I need to find the lyrics for it. The song is nothing like the instrumental version that eventually made its way on the album. I wish they still played and sang like that. It seemed alot deeper, and grander in scale. Don't get me wrong, all their stuff is bizarre and awesome. But I like the sound they had at the beginning. I'd love to hear them do Tel Aviv with Andy. I think I might actually jizz a little.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sorrier Than You...

So I'm sitting there this morning...
No, Ronnie was not having a good time since he had to talk to people he nothing in common with.
I just wanted to go home.
Look, I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the... whatever.
I want to share how I feel, I want to just fucking share.
Yet, deep down, I cannot.
This is the darkest time of my life, can't you see?
I'm torn between thinking you are done... and that you are just testing me. I'm pretty sure I/you are delusional in the end. I keep wanting to see the good in things, you want to either forget or pretend like they never happened. You can't. You just fucking can't. How? How?
I have unfortunately lived in a dream the past four fucking years. A fantastic dream, hell yesh.
Yet you still get to wake up from it. Brain Candy anyone?
I'd love to NOT wake up from my happiest moment in life.
Why?
Because I hate life right now. I'm not sure it's ever gonna change. I said it before, and I swear I meant it. Where did I go wrong? Yes, I'm difficult to get along with. When do I get to see where I ever, never, ever, never, did right?
Can I not do a 180? Can I not come back inside your heart?
At one time I thought I never did anyone wrong by just doing myself wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Look, I grew up thinking I was never going to amount to nothing. Then I discovered music, and angst, and then I was off and running.
I think I am fixable...
I'm torn between my own prideful thoughts and the OTHER SIDE.
I find when you open up your heart it gets trampled on. Then you harden, you close up. I hate that. I really hate it...
I swear, none of this was my fault. OK, maybe 98% of it, but you know what?
I'm sorrier than you.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Vampire Wars...


So I have another Facebook account that is a little more mein own. I play alot of Vampire Wars there, and am finally getting somewhere. Pointless as it is...
I think it's finally getting better in other areas too. Festering until realisation turns to bitter resolve is the most often travelled path, yet painfully slowwwwwwwwwww.
I remember vowing to never go where I ended up going anyway. I also remember the wind blowing the hair out of my eyes just... so... they could be dazzled by the sun.
And then dazzled by other things...
Probably more dazzled by own own prideful chest beatings and cock thrashings, I'd say. It feels like the time I lost $600 at the casino, times Infinity. I must admit I nearly gambled everything away. Now, with the exception of my child, I feel utterly alone. I now wholeheartedly accept that I did alot of things wrong in the past few years, and would like to atone for it. I will also work on my mind and body, sharpening both again. With age and experience, wisdom they say, I will attempt to beat back the ravages of this ravaging ravageness!!!
Remember, people, just because you are sitting pretty high atop the peak of a magestic mountain doesn't mean an eagle or something can't still take a giant shit on your head. If your eyes are focused upon your own reflection all the time, it's hard to keep your eyes peeled for whatever may fall on your head and bring you crashing back down to Realityville.
Your, your, your!!!
See the pattern here? My choices are to get out of myself and give it all away to everyone else, or to succumb to the ME-ness and just do mein own thang. Regardless of the rest of you foolish mortals...
I wish I had some kind of USB port thingie in my ear so I could just pour it out. Then you can all just sift...
Or should I have one in my heart?
Maybe I should install one right where that gaping hole is. Maybe the flesh will just grow around it. Sure, it'll be scarred and grotesque. Who fucking cares, right?
Not this creature of the night.
I want to laugh like before, I want to feel like there are things out there to see and do again. And reasons...
Reasons for being. Reasons for caring. Just reasons.
I do not like to lose. I do not like feeling like it is better to not have anything to lose.
Burns heal easily on the outside, and over time the scars will fade to become unnoticed by the naked eye. But inside...
Recoil can be deadly. Figuratively and literally.
Meditate on that.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Mr. Self Destruct...

I uploaded this to piece of shit Youtube and they eventually blocked it in pretty much every country with net access. Too bad, it's a pretty good mashup of the three parts of a Nine Inch Nails song. I'd had Further Down the Spiral for years now, but had never really given it much of a chance. Now I likes it alot.

The world is a ghetto. I don't know which would be/is worse: believing horrible things are true or rash paranoia? I'll leave it at that. We saw Cop Out last night. Ehhhhhhhhh...

C+. It was ok, but I ended up liking Brucie better than Tracy Morgan. I guess he's funnier in cameos and bit parts, he can't carry a whole movie with his retarded banter. Also, deduct points for being directed by Kevin Smith.

I feel like I'm really beginning to hate you all again. You never let me down, or cease to fucking amaze me. I wish I could share alot of things, yet I cannot. My blog seems to have become a littering ground for mumblings and wayward meanderings that trail off...

I'm also a week behind on The Biggest Loser. I guess tonight I will watch last week's episode on Hulu and play with my ferret. I've nothing better to do with my time. I did, but no longer. Right now I'm content to just rot. Everything dies. I already have...

A feast of friends...

"Alive!" she cried.

Waiting for me...

Outsiddddddddddddddddddde.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Ghosts Are Creepin' In...


Anybody else in them? It's a sad thing when you have to wish bad things for yourself to get out of the everyday bullshit you have to deal with...
Broken arms, the wheel to go out on your minivan so as to cause it to turn and flip repeatedly until you are thrown out of the window and smashed by said minivan...
Maybe just better to give up, turn catatonic and let people take care of you.
Awhile back, someone said I was an attention whore. They said I threw ending my life out there like it was a life raft or something...
Truth is, it hit me like a sack of potatoes. I had really many times come close, yet somehow woke up. Who knows, maybe the comments hit me right in the... pride?
I'm constantly left with thoughts on my behavior, on my... interactions with everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world.
I think when you are down, you are all alone. Thought someone loved you?
Wrong.
Thought someone was actually interested in your little take on what up?
Wrong.
Selfless acts are, more often that not, a final nail in the coffin. The day I shirk these chains and get myself completely together, someone will come along and throw another shitload on.
Hot Tub Time Machine, my ass. I can go no further than the day my daughter was born.
What I endure on a daily basis, is it fantasy?
You see things like Corey Haim passing and you go, "Hmmmmmm, that's fucked up."
Why was no one giving a shit while he was alive? Where were all of you?
Beautiful things die or are trampled underfoot. Someone do an autopsy to see what size sneaker prints were on his throat.
Lucas.
Silver Bullet.
Dream a little dream for us, won't you please?
I remember when that movie came out. Where I went to high school, fashion was Levi's and Ocean Pacific. Except for the Michael Jackson nods, that was a damn fine movie.
Ramble, ramble...
I have an IPPS review coming up at work, and I'm sure to fail. I'm beginning to not care, though.
We are set up to fail, unless we have something they want. Like pouty lips or breastices...
I wish I could set up a direct link to my brain, so whoever can pick through it and take what they wanted. I tire of this now...

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I was going to join the masquerade but the Metro was late. I walked the whole way and it took my breath away...

Ha, I saw I have a follower. Waiting to see if I make the news? I'm more into the post humous accolades myself. Checked his site, loved the Michael Jackson pic with the black kid with the cum moustache. If that were really McDonald's, you'd probably have to pay extra for that...

Me tired. Yesterday I had sushi, mainly eel. I also did the Mongolian style barbecue, I think it was undercooked because I had severe abdominal pain until I passed out this morning. Add the fact that I threw some Wheaties Fuel and chipotle drenched beef ribs on top of it, and we are talking sphincter sphuckeduppedness to the Nth degree.

Sooooooo much shit I should be doing right now but I'm the most unmotivated piece of schnizz on the planet. Supposed to be learnin' myself on the finer points of... I dunno, crap about my work. Don't wanna, will probably fail. But then I can get the extra retraining. Either way, fuck whoever. Another way to pick off the undesirables or the lackadaisical...?

So I haven't seen anything since last weekend and The Crazies. How to follow up something that good? Not with Johhny Dippstick, that's for sure. And WTF?!?!?

Is there some kind of wierdo club, where you have to sip Absynthe and tease you hair like Tim Burton or have a big ol' misshapen Bonham Carter bullom head?

Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands were perfection, why so many misses with those hits, Tim? Especially looking back at his take on Batman: middle aged, complete with receding hairline and pot belly. I would love to be a director. I'm already ADD, so as long as someone kept me paid, I could churn shit out left and right. Yes, there would at least one zombie flick every year. Yes, I would still obsess over Asia Argento. No, I would not back down on my promise to refuse to work with actors I didn't like simply based on how much I hate their unrealistic beliefs. Yes, I would still do a Depeche Mode film. And the answer to today's secret question is...

Yes, but not if they were still breathing. I guess if it were during their last few gasps, it is possible. HOWEVER: As long as they never look at your face, and you're 100% sure your reflection hasn't given you away anywhere else, then sure dood. Why not? And as far as finding out if you're a non-secreter, I guess you can always get tested out. I'm personally sticking with the shaving of all body hair, coupled with freshly bought used clothing and scavenged hairs from biker bar urinals to sprinkle all over the scene. Hope that helped...

Is the video done uploading yet? I know it's on the Youtube thing at the top, but it sounds better here and it is a damn fine mix. One of the few bands my sister, Sandy, liked that was decent were/was a band called Berlin. the chick was fine and she had a fantastic voice. I always knew she'd be hot when she got older, and boy was I right.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Mexican Standoff...

Life:101.
Grow a beard, tape it up, surround yourself with gold and slaves, then bury yourself with them.
Compassion versus control.
There is never an equal pull upon things. Perfect balance would mean there was no point, no...
Fervor for the flavor?
Dreams versus reality.
They are that which drive us. Were we to pitch our tents and put away arms, we'd be lost...
Is it in our nature?
Man versus machine.
Ending fart sequence. In the end, it seems almost pointless. The fervor that everyone spouts with foam filled mouths...
Beginning smell sequence.
Loved and lost? Tasted things you shouldn't have? You know of nothing, as do I... not... know anything either.
I'm just here along for the ride. Will we burn, will we fade, will we triumph?
I am paradox, I am the Alpha and Omega.
I am nonsense, yet I'm the reason in the rhyme.
You, they, will make of me what you will. And I will do the same.




Sometimes I am the prophet. Sometimes I am the fool.
Some days are better than others...
Whatever you do, don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Handouts and Heartbreaks...

My thoughts on it all? Hmmmmm.
Were there other highly intelligent beings, or even earlier humans, that roamed this putrid shithole of a planet before us?
I put down the black guitar, enough of that tomfoolery for a moment and ponder what I'd just pondered...
I can see it. Apparently we as a current species have the ability to analyze the fuck out of everything, then endlessly come up with formulas and solutions which will all make it better in the end.
Yet somehow we always forget to put all this knowledge to use. The whole population down to each individual person...
I don't remember what it was like to have faith in people, to look for the good in them, let alone find it. I only see the things that give me disdain and disbelief in our future.
I read a bunch of stuff about all the pharoahs of Egypt. Thousands of years of murder, degradation, abuse, oppression...
And so we see nothing has changed. We learn nothing from the past.
Nothing.
Well... maybe how to better manipulate how we're fucking our neighbor without them going, "Heyyyyy, that fucker shit in my mouth like this last week. I ain't falling for it again."
It's funny how life seems to have its ebbs and flows, its peaks and valleys as such.
In an honestly written blog, through the years, you will see this in all its fluidity. Surely this was visible in mein own personal blog, at least to an outside observer.
It would be great to secretly add extra side content for my own viewing remembrances.
Only I know what was going on in my life, my head, my everything, when I put finger to keyboard.
Right now my personal life as well as my work life are still in a tumble always.
I want things.
Give them to me.
Ha, I'm tired of standing here with my hand out...
Icarus wants to fly again, but is afraid of the sun's dangerous beams.
Coming atcha!!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Question of Lust...


How true. But who is right, who is wrong? Isn't it all a matter of perspective?
How many people will champion the beliefs of those who elected them to do so, even when it didn't mesh with their own personal opinions?
So how do you balance doing what is right, in your own head, with doing what others want from you?
I was a union steward a long time ago, and occasionally I was forced to go against my better judgement and do the job that was given to me when I couldn't convince a person to do the right thing. 99% of the time I could reason with someone, other times it was just going through the motions to appease them in their ill fated excursion of dumbassedness.
Some people will not be reasoned with. But then again, I'd probably be described as one of the same.
Is this a fault? When, or if, I realise I'm in the wrong, I fess up. Or try to. Ok, not always...
Do we need a hive mentality to survive? I can see the pros and cons of individuality. I just can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Is greed good, or is giving it all the right thing to do?
I think my online argument rarely goes down in flames, unless I get hotheaded and just let fly.
Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm sure I had a point in there somewhere. Am I ever wrong? Yes. I also believe I learn from it. Do I believe that what I learn does anything more than further my resolve at being a hermit someday...?
Remains to be seen.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Mammy, Mammy, Speak To Me, Mammy...

Howdeh yawls!
Today, at my work, I had to do some stupid training on something I'm never going to do, at least not there...
So my hand hurt from having to take notes. I passed with an 88%, which is better than people who did that job all the time. I also passed it on my first try, unlike most of them. They think I'm stupid, and were expecting me to fail. Some of these people are on their fourth try to pass it. Who's the fucking retard?
So anyway, there is a chick there that plays up to all the old pervs I work with. So she's getting help for stuff that we are going to get rated on. He informed me of impending evaluaion time, and when I asked for help or some tutoring, he looked like he didn't care to bother. Too bad I don't have titties.
Fuck 'em.
I wanted to go home today at 10 and stone, but I was doing that crap til 1pm. I left at 130.
Just thought I'd check in, I hope to be her more. And to put stuff on my blog that will wow and bedazzle. You may even be hornswaggled!
I have a headache, my hand hurts, and I have two more days of work. I also heard more snow is on the way. Damn you, Punxsutawney Phil!!!
Goodnight all. I sleep for now.
Or finish some Letterman.
It's all circular. Is it all coming back to me now?
Speak to me, Mammy?!?!?

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Alcoholics Abdominus...

Assume the position... I watched to some vlogs on A.A. and was left with pretty much the same feelings as before.
Why? Because I'd already seen it unfurl before mein own eyes.
They want to exercise their authority over other members, or feed the monstrous beast that they'd not defeated but only cloaked it in the fur of an less predatory animal.
The beast that is pride. Ok, now let's change poses...

So add this disheartening knowledge to the fact that this cowboy needs to put his big pants on and get some shit done. Learn how to not shrivel up inside on the go and never look back.
I'm watching Letterman, pre and post NBC debacle. Inspirational guy. What happened to him was kind of like when the one skater had her boyfriend smack another skater in the knee so she'd get her spot in the Olympics or whatever.
Next one please, do it slowly. It's a toughie...

Different hypotheses fly past at blinding speed then become theory only long enough to be dashed upon the rocks of my ever brooding brow.
What will you do?
What a workout...

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Brain Candy...

We went to see The Lovely Bones last night. Surprisingly, it was very good, though they could've went a little less on the trippy world that she was in after she died.
Strong B+, and that place was still pretty packed for a movie that's been out awhile...

So anyway, the vacation I took for my broken hand is nearly over. Tomorrow is the Superbowl, go Saints, and then back to work. Hope my hand can take it.

I've also done alot of thinking about everything. I'm not going into detail right now over it, but hopefully there will be some kind of change in my demeanor and what not. An overnight success story?
Hardly. But I've found, especially from drawing on past experiences, that no one is drawn to Negative Nancys. Once I get ME going again, I don't plan on travelling the same road I was on before.
Instead of a walk towards a wealth of knowledge and contented funjinx, it was more like a parade of fools.
A parade of one, at least.
You find yourself on a float, all gaudily decked out and arms flailing at the masses. Sure, they are picking up the candies you are tossing out so grandly at them. But then you feel a sting in your cheek.
They are throwing it all right back at you!!!

I don't even LIKE candy...

Monday, February 01, 2010

One Singular Sensation...

Ha, that's what it feels like right now. Surrounded by laughing, leering dickwads...
I started to get better, I started to get over, I started to pick up pieces of wisdom and reality...
Then I weakened and let Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown yet again.
When you're down I think you put out some kind of vibe. It tells everyone that you are damaged and need to be stayed away from. Yet you are the only one seemingly unaware of this. It's like being the kid sent home from school with headlice, except no one bothered to tell him he even had it. I tire of it all.

You realise that cutting the ties to all those things you thought you needed, more like needlessly wanted, is what's best for you. It still doesn't make them any easier.
One singular sensation, a tie that doesn't bind...
Instead more of a blind.
I can't even say what is in my head anymore. I want to be a mindless robot like the rest of the world or so fucking fearless that it pushes me over the top. Would it be better to have spent my last four plus years never knowing what it tasted like again? With the explosion of warmth it envelopes you with also comes the bled out feelings of despair and anguish when it is gone.
You question them.
You question yourself.
You question everything. The point of it all. Where it went wrong, where it could've been done differently, where, where, why?
In the end, you realise that the things you pine for are already gone. I don't presume to have any inklings of WTFness. As you can see, I'm a physically and emotionally scarred person.
Was I born for this, or just more prone to?
I can always remember being an emotional child. I remember feeling sadness at an early age, of crying alot. But I also remember being a fighter, of thinking that no matter what was piled on top of me, I'd get mein's. This hope lasted me until I was out of my teens. Sure, I'd seen loneliness and heartache, I'd seen the ravaged battlefield strewn with the corpses of friends and lovers...
There is a point in life where you are forced into the cruel hustle and bustle of being an ADULT.
Apparently this is when you have your dreams dashed and learn to settle. Every last thing that gives you pleasure is slowwwwwly drained away until you are left bitter and pessimistic.
You'd think that everyone else would be in the same mood, hoping to connect, hoping to rekindle the fire they'd lost. They are just as closed and jaded as you are, or are in the upswing and oblivious to your negativity.
Can't be having that, it rubs off dontcha know?!?!?
Maybe we all need balls on our chins so that every time we forgot we have a pair, all we need to do is thoughtfully stroke our chins for guidance. Or maybe someone could give us a good flicking when we are being total pussyfarts.
I can't wait to see what I'm like when my heart has hardened again. Will I shy away from the ones who need some compassion the most? Or even just give them some sort of hope that they will overcome?
Pride is deadly and those around you drool over your impending doom. That is just how it goes.
Ramble, ramble...
Bleak, I know. Hey, at least Avatar beat stupid Titanic. I hated that movie. Chicks make their men endure that crap, then they rerelease it so we're forced again. I didn't agree with the anti US sentiment in Avatar at times, but it was alot better than that farce of a movie.
I would love to make movies, to write them and see them made into reality onscreen by mein own loving hands. They'd never see the light of day. You guys want fresh, new, beautiful faces, or giant blue cat people...
I don't get you lot. I feel like Lestat. Time to board up and peek at you through the cracks awhile. See what you wierd sonsabitches are up to.
And hey, at least I've been hitting this blog some. It's always fun to look back and see where your heart/head was.
Or wasn't...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Bombing of Your Stealth...

So I'm sitting here listening to Gordon Gano and the Ryans. I love his music and The Violent Femmes are pretty sweet themselves. Thanks for ripping Under the Sun for me, Ed.
When I was still in high school, while I was working at Wendy's, I met this half black/Nicaraguan girl who was into the Femmes. Apparently into me too, which was nice...
She unfortunately, apparently, had a boyfriend who realised it was apparently apparent that I was, apparently, doinking his girlfriend. Then, after a brief time together, she told me she was pregnant.
I knew this not to be true. So it was time to flee. But I always loved the Femmes, and actually saw them awhile back and posted it, and pics, to this very blog.
I know It's True But I'm Sorry to Say is one of the best songs in the world.

Do animals feel emotion? Do they feel regret?
I don't see any de-evolution in our future, so it'd be nice if someone would just put a kill switch on us. One that turns off the things that fill our heads with hope, then our bellies with sour grapes...

We saw Legion. It sucked, especially after the only thing messing with them were some fruity looking angels with bulletproof wings.
C-.
I'd more recommend this album I'm hearing right now.
I was liking it, but nothing seemed to be standing out to me until I heard Better Than You Know.
Buy this, or see him or the Femmes in concert.
You can't ask more from the dyin'...

Ha, even the angel and devil on my shoulders have left. They told me to try Mapquest instead.
Or Ask Jeeves.
After four years of sobriety, and several years of hellish descent after, I've once again taken up the mantle of posterboy for how not to live your life. My broken hand has mostly healed, though still a few months away from perfection, and seems to heal better than an internal orgal that needs no mention.
I'm just fucking mean, to myself and everyone around me.
I'm beginning to believe there is no cure. There is only being numb.

This would be a great time to be sent to war. I wouldn't care who I had to mow down just to... to... to... transfer the pain to someone else. Get it all out, tear something to shreds. It'd be even better if I could use my bare hands.
Yes, my hand will get better. The other things will take years of solitary confinement to get through...
And I will no longer break promises, especially to meinself.
I will fucking drive you all away, then I will achieve what I want. No need for your validation(my trepidation), your progress reports(my indignant retorts), your adulation(my evisceration).
The hunger in my stomach will fuel the hunger I have for perfection.
Freedom.
From the ties that bind.
Here's to your health.
And the bombing of your stealth...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

No One Wins in a Headbutt...

Hello everyone. How is your new year going so far?
Good, good...
Oh, mine?
Ehhhhhh...
So anyway, I broke my hand on New Year's and I didn't see a doctor while I was on vacation.
I thought it would heal so sue me. Now I'm waiting to get in to a specialist Wednesday. I hope they don't have to rebreak my hand. This morning I jerked my pinkie back on the door in the bathroom. I don't think it's healing on its own.
Not good.
So I've barely worked and have seen a buttload of movies. The Book of Eli, Avatar, The Blind Side, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Youth in Revolt, Precious, and mostly everything has been ok, nothing special. I really liked Up in the Air and Daybreakers. Sherlock Holmes, the Chipmunks, the Morgans, and a few others have been stinkers.
Tonight I'm thinking about The Road. It looks nice and slowwwwwww, desolate and depressingly dark. I didn't even think it was coming out around here...
As far as what I'm going to do or how long I'm going to be off, I have no idea yet. I'll probably be up to no good, you can bet on that.
I have, however, stopped drinking and smoking. I've stayed pretty strong since day one of 2010 so wish me luck. I still chew tobacco, but not nearly as much and am hoping to wean myself away from it.
Also, lots of exercise. I've been trying to snack only on fruits and vegetables, not much meat other than fish and chicken breast oven baked, and lots of fiber.
That has been the hardest, not cheating or eating late at night. I need to get regular sleep hours as well. Since my hand is broken, I will run and work out my legs until I can play catch up with my upperbody. At least it'll be easier with no flab hanging off me.
I tried to see how much weight I could gain before 2010, but only got up to 191. I think I'm hanging around 180 at the moment. I want to get superlean at about 150-160, then add nothing but muscle after that and stay around 180-190.
Once I start turning on the body sculpting part, I won't put so much into running myself to death like before. That, my lack of eating enough meat or drinking enough water, added to really poor sleeping habits is what killed me in the end. Not to mention other things heaping stress on top of that...

Pride is a dangerous monster. It is easy to feel invincible when heads turn at your every passing.
Oblivious to the warning signs and barricades plowed over, you dunder onwards toward ever nearing doom.
Then you wake up dazed. You've been in a coma for months, possibly years.
You can take the face warmer off now, nurse.
Dreams and plans have turned to dust and blown away.
The complete spectrum of emotions has been run through, you've a sneaking suspicion that it may have been worse than just being all in vain.
Imagine if Buck Rogers had been found, but no so far in the future as he had. Just far enough ahead so that everyone moved on, forgot about him. Found a new life, said to hell with his reckless ass.
Does the dream, like the finish line in a marathon, not hurt so much if you quit after the first mile as opposed to being just so... nearly within reach, yet not so?
At least if you woke up in the 25th century, you could get the shock out of the way from the get go.
To coexist with the beautifully blinding sun, yet to never feel its soothing warmth nor bathe in its light...
To be consumed by darkness instead?
At least there won't be any more crazed, drunken ranting for a very long time.
I never read The Catcher in the Rye, but I read alot about it last night. I'm thinking about finding it. Don't worry, no kooky plans here. They said it's been copied in alot of movies, many of which I liked. I was born in 1972, so I don't see why it would've been banned in the 80's or anything. They made us read things like H.G. Wells and Mark Twain. Although The Time Machine and The Invisible Man were influential in my interests, this book around age 14-16 might have rocked my world.
Amazingly, my favorite book as a kid was Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I still think it's a work of genius that was atrociously dishonored by a movie. If someone ever really tried to make that... WOW.
I also read Stephen King from my older sister, who we all thought was some kind of witch. You have no idea how many times she tried to kill me, even as a baby. But that is another story.
I liked IT, and would love to read The Stand. Most of his stuff was crap though.
As a teen I moved to graphic sci fi/ fantasy, via AD&D Forgotten Realms. Call me a book nerd, but alot of those were #1 best sellers. I also got into alot of Jim Morrison poetry. Wierd.
Now I read anything I can get my hands on. I haven't read anything in a long time, the only thing I have in the bathroom is my handheld Yahtzee game. I'm getting tired of it. Time to find this Catcher in the Rye feller...
So anyway, there's more in this little head but I fear to tread there on this blog. I doubt anyone reads this, but still...
I feels nekked.
If I started another blog, I'd just kill it in anguish like the other.
But regardless what happens in this silly little soap opera called life, remember this:
At some point the zombie horde will sweep across the planet anyway, and the less weight dragging you down the better. They usually make you go back and rescue their poor little puppy or something else sickeningly cute and idiotically innocent.
That's when you get bit. Do you chop off that limb, or do you bind it in hopes of a miracle cure?
One's a surefire way to save yourself excruciatingly fruitless suffering in the long/short run, but you ain't gonna be doing any sweeet Eddie Van Halen licks ever again.
The other is, well... what it is. You drag your semi bloody ass around trying to get right, and in the end you still succumb.
Hmmmm, seems an easy enough decision.
How come I never see any footprints heading down that path...?

Friday, January 01, 2010

Just Us...

I think I'm dying inside...
Monetize, this neatly packaged bird has flown.
Fuck you, world.
Fuck you, world.

Push, Push, Push...

FFF. Tonight I will shed alot of things. I'm tired of feeling pain all the time. I'm tired of fighting it all. I will win and fuck everyone in the process. By the way, I think I broke my hand. Again...
I'm seriously thinking aboiut starting it all over online and forgetting about all this nonsense. And I will say I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. I never meant for this to be as it is now. You think I wanted to be sitting here wondering WTF?
No.
It is amazing that the worst recession since the last big one in the 30's wiped me out. All of my plans, all of my fucking dreams, they are all gone. Even my daydreams are fucking nightmares. I'm tired of seeing how the world lives its life, it is a fucking farce. Every dream I had crumbled. Every life I've lived has went to shit. Help. I've fallen and I won't give up, lol. I just gotta win, damn it. I just gotta...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Growing On...

I can't wait for this movie to come out, Grown Ups. I wish Norm McDonald and a few other people had bigger parts. And it would've been nice if Chris Farley were still around to join in the festivities...
Hell, everybody in the Sandler Universe could drop in. Throw Jon Heder in there, Dante, Allen Covert, Nick Swardson, John Turturro, Luis Guzman, anyone else I forgot to mention.
You know that shit would blow up.
It almost looks like it's going to be sappy, like Funny People. I liked that one, but it was more sad than anything else.
With all those guys, I want them to pile on the condiments until the heaven's are breached. So to speak...
It would be fun if they all got together and did a superhero movie, nothing serious. Or some kind of crazy wierdness, off the wall, a definite WTF.
I'd like to see them do another good stoner movie with Adam Sandler in there too, but I know he's gotta keep that semi squeaky clean image.
I know this is going to be one of those "we're older now so let's shape up after we relive some of the fun one last time" kinda deals. I don't mind as I'm nearing the 40's myself and it strikes a chord. I'd lke for them to do something a little more out there, maybe playing some wierd ass characters. Maybe once they get all this out of the way...
Softies.
I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night and it was fantastic. Lots of blood, lots of vengeance.
Ummmmmmm, strong B+. While not good enough to elicit a higher rating from me, it did have alot of strong points. Worth seeing on the bigscreen. Pay attention, though, or you will miss a few good splatters. Soon, Avatar. But probably not today because I haven't slept yet and it's 8:30 am. There is also football on so...
Time to pass the fudge out.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

What, No Johnny...?

Yeah, that's about as racist as you can get.
I think there is a litle something inside me that wants to drive everyone away. To be the black sheep, so to speak...
I'm combative, I'm off keel. Find the center, even if it is nothing more than some cheap ass bubble gum that stales almost immediately.
My poor ferret. She threw her cage on the ground, I'm surprised she isn't hurt.
Trauma...