Doth it ring for moi?
Si, oui, and dah. It doth, yet doth not bring about randy late night fumblings as was earlier pined for.
Something good came out of it, I just need to "do yo thang".
"Methinks he doth procrastinate too much..."
Troo dat. He doth.
I originally started this blog after reading about Kevin Underwood, the retarded fuck who blogged and eventually killed a 12 year old girl. I was fascinated by the fact that this loser had a handful of years under his belt online, and you could semi see either his meltdown, or a ruse to get him some kind of mental unhealth back up.
So I started one too. It's been around for awhile, and occasionally gets neglected. I always come back to it. I had another that was wayyyy more private, but I had to kill it as it was too painful to continue it.
Someday, I hope to blog as some totally new, hip kat... bright and shiny... optimistic, wide eyed to the world once again.
"He doth dare to dream!"
Troo dat. He doth.
These are the voices, and thoughts, that hold me back, pin me down, and lay their steadfast custody upon my mouth to prevent my screams.
But nothing can hide the wild wideness of mein eyes. I fear it all, yet cannot stay where I am at, like being on the ledge of a burning building as the flames lick up my asscrack, and roast my taint until I...
"Plummet?"
Take the plunge.
Sploosh. The things I've seen seem to override the things that I have yet to see. I stifle, asphyxiate, black out, bring to screeching halt, burke, check, choke, choke back, clamp down, clam up, constipate, cork, cover up, crack down, curb, dry up*, extinguish, gag, hold it down, hush, hush up, kill*, muffle, muzzle, put the lid on, repress, shut up, silence, sit on*, smother, spike, squash, squelch, stagnate, stop, strangle, stultify, suffocate, suppress, torpedo, trammel...
"Someone's been using their online thesaurus."
Naughty, naughty...
So anyhoo...
I would love to fix my life, I would love to save the day, I would love to frolic like a hobbit in the shire. All that shizz. I will. I have to. I don't want this as it is now. I am not the person I once was, or would like to be remembered as. I tire of dreaming, wishing, planning, hoping, lying, procrastinating, committing acts of tomfoolery upon myself...
So yeah, it rang. I didn't hear alot of what I wanted to hear, but I heard enough. One thing. One thing. I hope it wasn't thrown out there as a halfhearted attempt at pity, or worse...
An empty promise like:
"When pigs fly, yeah, that's when I'll give you a call again..."
OUCH.
I just read up on addiction, and OCD stuff. Alot of that crap rang true, and you'd be surprised how little it has to do with the actual physical part of the jerb. A trauma, or neglect, as a child...
Not saying I was touched or anything, which I wasn't, just that sometimes kids don't understand the paradox that is life: some kid whining and pouting their asses off because they yearn for independence, your undead spouse expounding upon the shortcomings that your immediate presence brings, your boss handing you a letter reprimanding you for things of a paltry nature. Telling you that your behavior is detrimental to "the team", one of which you've been a part of almost half of your life. By someone who probably hasn't done a decent day of work ever in their life even.
This is what life is about. It's about who you know, how slick you are at making things happen at the expense of others, just... plain... bullshit.
How do you fix this, or "change" it as the Obama kids are saying these days, how do you turn it all around? Are you just supposed to numb yourself to it all?
I'm sure I'm not unique, but I wonder...
Am I the only one seeing how much it all sucks? Am I delusional?
In the end, it all burns, it is all engulfed.
"Flames..."
A baptism of sorts.
Ironic that the things that cleanse devour what has befallen. History is left to decompose, and the hardiest pieces crumble in the open like pages of an ancient tome, handled by the least skilled at the task...
In the end, everything and everyone dies. It is a race of the likes no one wants to be crowned victorious in. Trauma. New beginnings. Futility. Hope. Dismay.
Enlightenment...?