To Never Have Been...

I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, my mind starts to rattle and shake. Worse now than before, screaming...
I can't take this, I want it to all end. Or to just have never been. That would be better.
No remembrance of tears spilled long ago, from wells long gone dry. No fifth grade yearnings, after the fact, on the long journey home. No disappointment. No more pain. Or wishing. Or dreaming.
Or pretending...
I hate life, and I have this, I don't know what you'd call it, feeling in my chest. Sinking... plummeting. It's starting to not go away again.

I watched most of Punchdrunk Love a little while ago, but just couldn't take anymore. I love this movie, and when he is running down the hallways looking for a promised kiss, I am catapulted back into my own memories. Yet they are not as blissful as his. Mine are filled with all the things that have gone wrong, horribly, in my quest for whatever the fuck it is I'm having such a hard time finding. What is it? Am I crazy? Will I find it?
Will I want it after I know all the bullshit involved in the process?

This place is hell. I am lost and believe there is no way back for me now. How could there be? That incarnation of me is dead... gone forever. I really liked him too, he was a nice guy. He liked the outdoors. Hiking. Looking at the sky in amazement.
Now the sky only sees my clenched fist.
"Someone release me!" he demands.
Always met with silence...