In The Wink of a Young Girl's Eye...

 There is a time in everyone's life when they've decided it's time to call it a day.
"Goodbye, cruel world!!!" they'd say...
"Toodle-oo muthafuckas, can't stay!!!"
But when the time finally comes, to gives it your alls,
You fumble, and falter...
You coward, you have no balls.

 Unable to find the backbone to do the jerb yourself, you decide to delve into the seedy world of assisted suicide, to no avail...
What can you do? Many of us bear the Elric gene/curse to walk endlessly until the end of days...
Until the end. Why do we do this? This is not what we signed up for. We wanted nothing more than to bask in the glory of our victories, our day atop the shoulders of our peers as they slap our backs wholeheartedly...

Ahhhh, the glory days, that was all we wanted in the end. For them to never end, for them to never fade, for the newness of it to ever wear off...
To stave off the cold shroud of blackness that looms nearer and nearer, waiting for us to do the James Brown kneeldown so's he can envelop us in the chill of blinding despair. To wipe our feverish brow...
And to close our eyes for the last time. Not in death, but in prayer...
To ears that do not hear, and eyes that do not see.
In a realm that does not care for you, and definitely not for me.

Time to go watch some more ALF. I wish he was real, or that the tables were turned and it was I that lived on his planet with his peoples. I wouldn't eat cat, but I'd be down with the hunt.

Echoes of the Past...

My beloved ferret, Molly Echo, died between last night and this morning sometime. I really miss her right now. I feel bad because last night she was trying to get me to give her some outside time, and I was feeling too lazy to chase her down. Being ferretlike myself, it was always hard to find myself wanting to do anything other than curl up into a tight enough ball that the world's bullshit couldn't get in. She always wanted out. Everytime I'd walk by her cage, if she was awake, she'd immediately climb the rungs closest to me. She wasn't very well litterbox trained, but I'd take her out when I got home from work and put her in my room with me while I played video games. She'd always lick my feet, and my knees, and then frolic off to see what kind of treasures and mysteries she'd possibly uncover.
I know I could get another, but my heart is just not into it. I doubt I would/could get another without a much larger cage and wayyyy more free time to give them the affection they deserve. And I think it'd be better to get more than one, so they could keep each other company at other times. Molly really wasn't very social, like other ferrets. The person I got her from was neglectful in so many ways. When I first got her home, she ran loose. Then I realized that she just shit willy nilly all over the house and got her a cage. She never seemed to like it, but what else could I do?
I just wish maybe I'd taken her out more, gave her more loving squeezes than I did, anything. Everything.
Now she is gone. I will never again feel her kisses. Her licks. Even her claws in the shower, trying to climb my legs to get away from the water...
Goodbye, Molly. I did love you, and I'm going to miss the hell out of you. This is the 9/11 of all Sundays.

No, No, Not I...

Hey everybody. Here is a picture of my three cousins who belong to my aunt Margaret. I have no idea who the two tubby chicks in the white shirts are. Maybe they're in a gang, who knows?
Anyhoo, I was talking to the guy on the far left. His name is Paul, but I always knew him as Junior. He looked just like Howdy Doody. The guy in the middle is Dale, who I used to fight to the death every time we visited them. Then we stopped seeing them around... the time I got out of elementary school. Leesa, in the purple shirt, I saw when we took her with us to my grandpa's funeral.
So now I've semi reconnected with them via Facebook. Not Dale, I heard he's a partier, if'n you get my drift. Probably might not want to drink with him, but I'd share a doobie. I will probably see Junior when he comes up to see my parents.
Anyways...
Saw new Batman movie, Dark Knight Rises. Wasn't terribly impressed. I thought the new Spiderman movie was wayyyyyy better.
I was on my pain pills, to be honest, and I kept falling asleep. I will watch it again to confirm suckiness when it hits the cheap theater. I had most of last week off, and now I'm back to work. It totally sucks. I can't believe some of the people that are famous are actually famous. How? How?!?
I need to get my resume in for the promotion opening soon in my plant. I need to get off the line. And I need to be in an office, preferably reading the paper, preferably on the toilet...
Then I can jump to a plant elsewheres and where I'm the only person around. You could totally find ways to work out some with all that time on your hands. And ahhhhhhhhh, to be alone. Mostly...
I just wanted to check in. I'm fine, just kind of gimpy still in my back. Mentally hanging in there.
I will prevail.
I always do.
I will survive...
Hey, hey.

She say, methinks, and I do say said kitty doth haveth itself declawed. That, and not having a decent paw to stand, or limp, upon...
A reason...?
To satisfy my own lust for vengeance. So...
I will not do it.
I will let her decide what path she will tread. Apparently I'm a complete douche. Oh, I can remedy that. 
In a perfect world she'd just leave. Leave me and my daughter alone. I know this'll never happen unless I let her do what she thinks is the best plan of attack. It's kind of like The Walking Dead where Rick lets Shane dictate his own future. He stupidly picks the future where he gets shanked. 
Woops on him.,
And same to you, you disgusting, snoring/snoring piggeh.
Today I saw you happier in conversation with some complete tool than me. Where is my shiny thing? Where is my fucking shiny thing?
Sometimes I wonder why Cindi leaves more slack on the line for her mammy. She gives me zero.
Mini-me indeed...

Really, Dawg...?

 What up, dawgs? Not sure how many posts I've got this month but probably lagging behind once again.
Anyhoo, what can you do?
Just got back from seeing The Dictator, and ended up laughing my anus off. I think this is definitely a sign of good things to come. I'm truly ready to return to the fold. Something, something, something.
Blah blah blippty blah.

There are so many things I still want to do, and I isn't getting any younger.
Noooooooooo, sir.
I need a button that turns on the good chemicals in my brain at will.
Eventually, even that would become numb.
I'm sure I need to learn things like self control. Not in all areas, just a few.
Some things I just... can't say no to.
I think I've got the humble part down already, I don't plan on ever becoming the monster I became before.
Not really a monster, just totally in love with myself.
I'd love to go back to the mindset I had when I was, sayyyyy, 16-19ish. I'd probably just end up squandering it all again. Even with the knowledge I have now.
Ehhhhh, maybe, who knows?
I'd be able to get laid better, and more often methinks. I dunno what I was so scared of back then. Just learn how to treat them like unthinking fucksticks. Jizz receptacles, they seem to prefer that anyway. Don't they?
I've never been able to figure out why chicks would rather have a guy who is shitty to them than a guy who's completely in love with them, and who'd probably take a full clip of bullets for them.
I know that any and every day is one that you can start over, true. But it is extremely difficult to erase the past from your, and other's, memory.
Each individual stinging lash of missed opportunity, of personal buffoonery, brings tears which do little to wash away the betrayel of self idiocy I've ridden sidesaddle on for so long.
A childlike fool. An ass.
I do not like the future. In it I do not exist. Do I fear death still?
I did as a child, more because of my own uncertainty of where I'll be when I wake up after.
Now, I worry more about the pain and helplessness. That is, unless I die suddenly: accident or heart attack.
Today, when I was getting superhigh to go along with my hydrocodone and muscle relaxers, I took a hit and a weird feeling came over me. My mind felt like it was slipping away there for a few. I came back into focus and thought about death. Will it hurt? Will it be more a physical thing, or your mind being forced out of your meat puppet self? I think more of not seeing the few people I love anymore. But then again, will it even matter?
I know there's no happy place we go to in death where some giant reunion party just keeps playing over and over, but there's got to be somewhere that part of us that keeps a constant narrative in our head going has to end up at.
Ehhhh, probably not. Too bad, though. Some of us are worth saving.
The rest are zombie chow as far as I'm concerned.
I guess, in the end, I really had nothing interesting to say today, nor was it informative.
Self absorbed prick.
I'm 40 next month. I wonder if that's my halfway point, or if I'm being overly optimistic by a longshot.

Turn Me Loose...

 And I was here to please, I'm even on my knees, making love to whoever I please...
I gotta do it my way or no way at all.
Hey guys. How dare I quote Loverboy? I know, right? Anyhoo, just got back from seeing The Raven. Not a bad movie, I think it more of a bad timing thing as far as the release goes. Bummer for them. I give it a solid B. John Cusack's hair never ceases to amaze me either. Crazy man hair...

Watching/listening to Loverboy videos from the way back machine, also known as Youtube. It's always fun to reminisce back to the 80's, a time when the world was a safe place and I had not a care in said world.
Everything had that new car smell...
Know what I mean?
I guess most people are easily blinded by the shinyness of tomorrow's bullshit. I am not.
Let me go...
Turn me loose.
I'm tired of working for the weekend...
Because I'm definitely not loving every minute of it.