Deep In The Heart Of The Ladle

It Rears Its Ugly Head again...

2012-02-01T19:59:00.002-06:00

The dreaded no picture post...

Wow, a month gone by. Not much doing here, been only checking a choice few sites or forums.

And, no, Facebook is not one of them. They have pretty much killed the internet and dulled the senses of its inhabitants.

I just digressed away from the computer to have a conversation about chicken fried steak sandwiches and the fact that white gravy on them is impractical and doesn't go with the cheddar slabs I'm going to melt on their very tiptops and squash down with mayo, freshly sliced tomato, and crisp lettuce...

Not to mention the fact that I didn't buy any to slather on.

Woops?

Maybe not. It did cross my mind, but it would be another thangie to have to babysit whilst it heated.

Saw a few movies on dvd.

Shark Night, again. Saw it at the movies, loved it.

Straw Dogs. No not a new one by the old farts on the motorcycles.

Good one, but sometimes silly.

And resaw 50/50. I need to buy it.

Been working, but not much to talk about there. Boring crap as usual with dickholes abounding.

Wanna buy a new computer, and grow my own smoke.

That would be cool. I'd be happy if they legalized it.

I know I'd get as prescription easy.

Blah blah blah.

Happy New Year...

2012-01-01T14:41:00.002-06:00

I can see it. I can totally see it:

A new life that doesn't involve bullshit. I just need to not be afraid of it. I wikll do this now. I will do this now. It's not like I want to find someone new, that may, or may not, come later. I do not care anymore. I've had brushes with greatness: Lori, I'd have been lucky as shit to almost have you. As it is, I will have nothing. I guess that is fine, the way behind me is strewn with the corpses of all that i've lost and left behind.

The way ahead is hopefully not like that. I'm already emotionally not available, this just makes it worse, or better.

I want to be free to make my own mistakes, not clean up after someone else's.

Below is someone else who has crossed paths with the dreaded beast.

This would be totally worth it, if it ends the tale that was never meant to be told.

I wanted to be left alone, and now I want to be left alone.
Leave me alone. You only lie to me. You only lie. Everyone only lies to me.

Handcuffs.

"And lies..."

Once I have attained beauty again, I will not be stoppable. OK, maybe sometimes to myself, but that is it. Other than what I think, the rest of you can just go straight away and fuck off.

Grow a beard and shut it all off. I will win.

Oh, yes...

"He surely will."

Today, the other guy wins. He punches, or gets out. He's tired of punching, he's ready to get out...

The Sitter...

2011-12-22T13:32:00.002-06:00

Did I mention my love for David Gordon Green? We saw The Sitter yesterday, and it was the bomb, yo.

Good thing I don't give a crap what the critics say, or I'd have missed this sweet gem.

A+ all the way.

Always love Jonah Hill, who did a bang up jerb, but the kids stole the show everytime they got a chance. Especially Rodrigo, pictured heeyah...

A nice young pyromaniac hailing from El Salvador, he's adopted into a well to do family with their own brand of problemos. When not blowing things up, he's prone to urinating on anything and anyone he so chooses to.

Also, Sam Rockwell as Carlos, the drug dealer chasing them throughout the film, is superb. Hell, everyone up in the heezy does a fine jerb bringing what they bring to the table.

Can't believe this movie isn't faring better, but apparently most of the moviegoers would rather see crappy kids' crap crapping up the screen.

Such is life. I will most definitely buy this on dvd, probably on the cheap.

Hoping for a Pineapple Express 2 someday.

David Gordon Green is a GAWD among amateurs.

When will the rest of you realise this?!?!?

Here's Graveh...

2011-12-20T21:15:00.002-06:00

Hola...

Long time, no see.

Been slumming it up, with no net.

I plan on sharing. I plan on vomiting out alot of what be going on.

Get ready for it, put a bib on, this is gonna make Gallagher look like...

Uhhhh...

Gallagher.

Fuck watermelons, the sledgehammer is gonna fall once again.

My seed will spill...

"Splooge."

Splooge, indeed.

That's alot of labia...

2011-11-09T23:18:00.002-06:00

No matter what I do wrong...

I'm happy my kid is the coolest kid on the planet. I'm wayyyy happy she has a much harder skin than I had. I cried like a bitch all the time.

"Want some ice cream, Ronnie?!?!?"

Punch you in the eye first.

The Texas judge can kiss my ass, his daughter, too.

My kid is the most in tune person to my dreams, even if they don't coincide...

She wants me to be the best, she wants me to...

"Be there?"

Love her?!?!?

That I will always do. She has no idea how many nights I stroke her hair, no matter how much my hnads/wrists always hurt.

I'm only 39 but I feel like Uncle Clyde. I capitalize out of respect.

Diamond in the Rough...

2011-10-01T13:33:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I have moments of clarity. True, they are far and few betwixt eons of delusional delusionness...

I want. I really want.

"What does he want?"

No shit, WTF doth he want?

Shall I make a fucking list?

1. To be left the fuck alone. If you do not share blood relations with me, then you are easily replaced. Ok, not easily at times, but you CAN be replaced.

2. Don't try to control me. Sure, I do some stupid things, but I'm pretty tough. I can roll with the punches better than most.

3. I want the letter M stricken from the English language.

4. Ice cream Wednesdays. Why should Hump Day bring a guy like ME down?

5. The road belongs to me. If you happen to be on it at the same time as me, pull over and get the fuck out of my way. This is a strange request as I'm actually a slow driver, but amazingly there are people that are more slower than me.

6. While I'm still semi lucid: More hugs, especially if you're not butt ugly and have huge tig ol' bitties. Nevermind the last part, just hug me.

7. Serial killers: I want to know if they are to blame, or is it society, or is it their upbringing, or are they just bad seeds needing to be bypassed?

8. The radical muslim world and the rest of the world's muslims that are strangely quiet about it all: notice I will NEVER capitalize that word. Sure, white dumbasses kill people, but not with the same flourish as radical muslims. Children? Children? Why? Why ever? Even barbarians were smart enough to replete thier fodder by repletiary repletionness, lol.

9. New words made up, of course by me, should be considered immediate. Fuck ebonics, call this shit RONBONICS.

10. Russell. Almost, buddy, almost. I should've been your wingman; not just to prevent your death, but to influence some of your decisions to not end up as much of a tool as you did. This is between him and I. The rest of you can just fuck off. Keith, who is forever my brother and best friend, needed us. As far as I see it, when you shake a man's hand it is a done deal. I'd never do it back, even in revenge. I'll slit your motherfucking throat, though...

11. A zombie apocalypse. Democrats made the working man wish for this. Sad, indeed...

More to come later when I shuffle some shit around. Lori, if you're still around, please don't stick around for further decomposition. You are the thing I wish. I wish I deserved the right to woo. To woo..............................

Whatever, Now Suck It Up...

2011-09-27T20:15:00.002-05:00

So I blew off the Subway deal. I'm just too stressed to mess with it. I do still wish death upon that horrible cow who pissed/ripped me off. In the end, what is the point anyway?!?!?

"Things happening."

On the cusp?

Always hoping. Somewhere, sometime, someday I have to do more than plot and scheme your impending dooms. I'm tired of being bi polar.

I want to love all of you instead of wanting to rip your throats out with my bare teeth.

And please hurry up and pass the whole medicinal marijuana crap so I can enjoy life in peace.

I feel like when I don't have some sort of head change then I'm loathing every minute of everyone else's miserable existence.

"Phooey on all of ye!!!"

BLEEEAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

Kidding. I'm not that full of hate. Sometimes, not always.

Do you not think I want to skip through flowers and sleep lazily in the grass while the sun bathes me in its warmth?

OK, not anything that lame, but I'd be happy with some sort of ooomphf, some sort of gusto.

By the way, movies seen lately: Our Idiot Brother, disappointing girly crap - C-.

Bucky Larson, had funny parts but lame as well - C+.

Final Destination 5, not bad and ended up a prequel nicely. Too bad they got the formula wrong for staying alive. Didn't they see the other films?

Oh yeah, twas a prequel and they didn't have a Delorean...

Solid B.

Transformers 3, not bad but missing Megan Fox, WTF?!?!?

B as well.

Now back to my life...

"Oh joy..."

Zzzzzzzzzzzz, here we go again.

Tried the new Ben & Jerry's Schwetty Balls. Had chocolate covered rum balls in it, so gross. I'd rather be teabagged by Ron Jeremy in July... in the Sahara no less!!!
That's about it for now. I need a new pc, I've been using my kid's laptop and I hate it. I have a pc but it's near dead. I need my command central, I need my magic porn box.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Now look at my post picture and feel the love.

Blacked Out Forest...

2011-09-06T20:52:00.002-05:00

So I flipped out on a chick that worked at Subway today...
Let me, uhhhh... set the scenerio.
I had a rough day at work. I had been forced to sit through a two hour thangie where they tought us to deal with stress. Breathing exercises, all that jazz...
Some stuff I'd actually been taught back in the 70's in elementary school, flexing individual muscles one at a time and then releasing, starting with your feet and working all the way up to your brainpan.
Sure, it's all good for short term release.
"BUT..."
Yes, even your butt.
Stuff from 1967, it even had the date at the bottom, lol. Forty four years old, if you can believe that. I'm even starting to get grey hair, how can even I expect to be taken seriously?!?!?
"Don't even think I'm even coming close to coming near the end."
Coming? Butts? Bottoms, even ENDS?!?!?
Yeah, I know. Ignore them, and they will eventually go away I tell myself. They even did, for awhile, if you can be bothered to backcheck my schnizz...
So, after a day of eating shit at work, as usual...
I go to a local Subway, to ease the pain of existence... with a footlong.
I finally decide to deviate from the norm and order the $5 footlong of the month, a turkey breast and black forest ham on wheat. I do so love wheat bread...
"He deviates further and orders bacon on top of it all."
So bold, so... decadent.
I had actually made smalltalk, and succeeded, and had won over the heart of the chick making my delicious sammich...
As she began beginning a new sammich for the next guy, she had planned toasting his as she added the scrumptuous toppings to mine, a Jabba the Hutt type girly girl waddled out in search of I-dunno-what-the-fuck began pulling on her sammich making gloves ever so slowwwwwwly...
I told her what I wanted: Everything, no pickles, no olives.
"Ew!!!"
EW!!!
Yes, I'm violently allergic to pickles, thanks mom for giving me Roladin. That, and painful stomach cramps I never told you about in the middle of the night.
I tell her that, yes, I want all the sauces. Mayo, Ranch, Chipotle, hot mustard, and vinegar and oil. She replies assholishly that I must really like my sauces.
I can feel the chip on her shoulder. She hated me before this cat and sammich game began.
Then I handed her my debit card...
"I will not continue tonight."
I actually blacked out during the whole shi-bangle...
To be fucking continued...

Capital Schmappital...

2011-08-10T18:20:00.004-05:00

I hate today's hairdo's...

The Great Dying...

2011-08-04T18:13:00.002-05:00

Carried by death...
Coddled, grown... born...
Buried, or not. I care not either way. Whatever you care to do with my body, do what you will. I lived in torment, I will die just the same. Unless...
I overcome, and bash the brains of the zombie zeds...
I could live in this kind of apocalypse if I had no child. I'd sacrifice myself for her. Otherwise...
I'd eat the fuck out of anyone who crossed my path, if hungry enough.
Sure, I've morals enough for the lot of you, but I'd survive, and not even care. I've eaten enough of you in mein own time alone. Metaphorically speaking.
So.......................................
I've lost my house, my mind, my pride. What is left?
To rebuild?
I'd love to, but I've lost faith in everything. Life has no flavor and all that blah blah blah. I'm tired of saying all this. Do I begin anew?
Boy, would I.
Bi Polarism is a bitch. I throw caution to the wind sometimes and just say fuck it. I want to love, yet I can't, but I have and will again... maybe. I feel like there is no flavor. There is no flavor. I want things that are already gone...
My road is paved, even travelled before upon. But it has never been conquered.
I want to conquer, but I tire of the control game. I just want to be left alone.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Be happy to be with me, even fawn all over me and shower me with kisses. Do not berate me, do not put me back in what I grew up to come out of. I will soon be divorced, which is fine.
I only have to think of how to dig out of this hole that love/youth/idiocy puts you into.
You can be the sweetest/loving/ awesomest dood you can be...
And still take a bite of that shit sammich.
Mmmmmmmmm...
Is this what it feels like?
Are these all my posts in the future going to be? I hope not.
I want all of you to be happy, as I wish upon myself. Show me the way, show me the way. I'm a lost little boah...

No...?

2011-07-07T16:30:00.002-05:00

Sifting through the ashes of my crash and burn kamakaze doomsday mission, I find myself numb enough not to mourn...

Not to pine.

Nor be prone to panic, and subsequent flight.

Today is/was supposed to be the day the bank takes back my house. Guess then it's off to filing bankrupt and all that jazz. I do not feel the loss of the house, or of all the crap I've thrown away, more of a cleansing, actually. A resolve...

To keep as little stuff as I can, and what I do have I box up if not needed.

Going to school in Dallas for two weeks in August, after that I'm putting in for promotions and trying to get as secluded as I can workwise. Somewhere I can go out and do my thangie and then go back to whatever I do when I'm alone and unsupervised.

Saw Everything Must Go, A+ movie. Will Ferrill can act when he wants to. Still wanting to see Green Lantern, waiting...

The Walking Dead, waiting...

NFL, waiting...

I need to turn the tide that tides me over. I need to wash that grey right outta my hair...

of course i do doo...

2011-05-30T01:27:00.003-05:00

Of course I do. The hailstorm in my brain...

I'm about to move into a 3 bedroom house possibly by myself. I want so much for my kid to come with me. I don't want to see her face as sad as that kid whose dad was crushed by that forklift, it almost crushed me. I didn't even know it at the time.

It would seem lonely if you were the only star in the night.

I've got to believe...

It'll be alright in the end.

Guilt, fucking guilt.

See? I don:t want to touch anyone's life and kill it. I don't want to take away, I want to add to, by a fucking million plus.

Right now I feel like I kill all that I touch.

Gold isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have the Midas touch...

Oh, fuck it.

Car crash?

No.

No. No more.

Don't drag me to those gates of hell.... just this last one time?!?

John Cusack Can Suck A Dick...

2011-05-17T21:44:00.003-05:00

Le sigh. Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh.
Le fucking sigh.
The things I wish. Were I to dream to be as prococious...?
Genetics, luck, and flexibility, oh my!!!
What can/could I do to explain my oh no's...
My Oh No's..........................
Now I sit here wondering...
Was Teen Wolf the best movie ever made? Was the sequel even better?
How tough was it to be the heir apparent to Michael J.?
Not very, not very.
Tell me I wasn't just a launching pad?
I'm very mad, mostly at myself. Do you not think I'd be happier with a Time Machine that took me back to the times I could do that which would make you love me more?
Two people, two people...
One made me recoil from the fire, the other made me want to embrace it...
In 2005 and 2006 I made a choice to redo my life, then I ate a giant bag of shit.
I am never going to quit this blog, I will post no matter how much it sucks for me to say it all.
Nearly 40, I'm starting to realise how much I suck it all, revelations were made today.
How can I say it?
I just can't...
I need to forget how to remember it all. I need to go back to early 2006. The thing that sucks is that it's not so much about refinding her/you. It is about refinding me without the idiocy of losing me...
You want to find an idiot version of me, I refuse to let that happen, even to my detriment.
I refuse.
Yet I refuse with open arms...
Pictures of you?
I have mental albums...

The Rind That Binds...

2011-05-15T03:43:00.003-05:00

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Awwwwww, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Get a schmashmortion at a schmashmortion clinic.
Life is like taking care of a terminally ill patient where/when you are in control of pulling the trigger like a stricken tooth...
A where, and a when ...
When and where you finally commit the crime. I don't like my silhouette, he doesn't seem to favor me.
Snapshot of your voice, a visual wall of soundless trimmed pubelessness. As gentle as a giraffe...
And as physically unsophisticated...
I refuse to be anyone's stepping stone to stepping back.
I think sex when you think a mere two thousand years ahead/or behind.
Think outside the box?
I say think about what got us out of it.
Something wants us to break out of the bubble.
Break out of the bubble, and breathe freely...
It is harder the second time around.
The rind...
I will define when and where. Whether it matters matters... little?
Bowie, it keeps coming back, it just keeps coming back.
Le sigh, and ashes to ashes...

Poke Me Mon...

2011-05-08T02:52:00.002-05:00

See if I twitch...

Plans in motion, making things easier. My problem has always been in not following the steps in order. I want to jump ahead to the good ones, then end up tumbling back to number one. Usually into a huge, steaming pile of number two.

No longer drinking, that was a good start. Feel better, actually really started hitting the gym for a week. Then my blood pressure went up, for many reasons. I am going to let my house slide away, and then file whatever you file to make it all go away being one of them.

I have no problem paying for things in cash for awhile, I did before when I came here. Not having the burden of this house will make previously difficult decisions much more doable now.

I am, for a short time, taking blood pressure medicine, which I hate because it makes me sleepy. I also am taking, also for an extremely short time, anti depressants and Klonopin.

I hate this, and will be substituting hard workouts and healthy living/eating as soon as I'm able.

The other night I went all through wikipedia searching bi polar disorder and mania, and hypomania. I'm not sure how much I believe all of that. But...

I can see hypomania. I lived on little or no sleep, was actually quite artistic and creative, obsessed on what I obsessed on. Then somewhere came a huge fall. Then again, I doubt I'm bi polar. I believe that any deviancy of thought can somehow be reprogrammed, it is just extremely hard as fuck.

Also, to answer a question posed of me elsewhere(as if they'd care to even read it): I am the only fool here. If I had a time machine, I could fix anything.

I want to be wantable, and to be deserving of it.

Here I am King of Nothing, when I thought I was but a Prince...

I'm more royalty than I thought. Too bad blue blood seems to be weaker of constitution and thin as fuck.

Time for an infusion, a transfusion.

No more confusion, and tepid delusion.

A collusion of exclusion,

Of all ignorance and illusion...

Every time I Pikachu, I Squirtle.

Is That a Fool's Tail...?

2011-03-29T21:46:00.002-05:00

So I bought the new Duran album the day it came out. "She thinks I've just forgotten?" NEVER. Imagine the best tasting, refreshing drink you could hope to ever quaff down, yet never tasted, other than in theory. Then imagine it being pissed in before you could ever take a swallow or a sip. Triviality? "Pretend." Lie, and die. I've not been able to face a fucking Olivia Newton john song, maybe not as long as I live ever again. Worse... Moving on, you said. I eat those bullets, sadly. "In this chamber, lit by scandal..." You're the bullet in the barrel. "You're the last thing as I'm falling..." Bloody roaring, still I'm calling out. I'm calling out. To not be heard, to be left screaming... Wishing for Mediterrania, expecting Antarctica... My two favorite songs off the new album are Mediterranea and The Man Who Stole a Leopard. I could quote this whole album, I just don't have enough space. "You've small children who can easily be molded." Mine gave up on me that day of the Superbowl. You've no idea yet how much pain that causes. I still feel worse than the repercussions. I wanna say many more things. Tell me how I can? Give me a code.

You Know What...?

2011-03-13T14:33:00.001-05:00

No Future For Youuuuuu.....?

2011-02-25T00:01:00.003-06:00

I can no longer expect or want. I just can't. Sorry to disappoint, but oh wellz...
you think it is all trivial to me?
No, it is definitely not. In the end, I cannot begin when I have not finished.
Things I cannot have. I have a series, or a set of morals, as fucked up as they are...
I can expect you to not respond.
You fell in love with someone you didn't even know...
I am a fool, or am I a tool?
I don't begin, I don't presume to even start to begin.
I bend to one knee. This time it is a little bit easier but hard as ever.
You know what?
My jaw is not of glass, my mind is not splintered. I want.
I want.
I want.
No matter how we thought we grew, we grow now. We grow now. It feels like cancer, even when it kills us. We die, to live. We die...
We die.
Tonight, pessimism reigns. See?
You were cardiac arrest, you were the life ending stroke.
You struck the match, the phoenix arose upon the life giving fire you sparked...
To crash in the ground and come anew from the ash?
It is a matter of perspective...

You And Me In Pink Lights...

2011-01-30T00:25:00.003-06:00

So come the evening,
I'm out on the dunes, looking for a token, something to prove...
All I remember is more than a flame...
In my fantasy fire.
In comes the morning,
I'm stood in my track, looking at the reasons, for me to head back...
So unexpected, the kindness you've shown,
That I will not forget it.
Whatever I've done to receive, whatever I need to redeem, whatever you say, even if I wait a lifetime...
I know, I swear, if you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there,
You can leave a light on for me.
You breathe the will into the weak,
And coax the cage bird to fly free,
You ease the lost cause out of me,
With your sweet hand to bring me home...
I'm not alone.
I know, I swear...
If you leave a light on, if you leave a light on for me,
I'll come there.
You can leave a light on for me...
I'm not sure how to take this, but this a new, fantastic twist and turn in the life of the...
THE GRAVEH.
Sure, I'm scared of alot of things, and reassurances be damned.
SPLOOSH?!?!?
"He doth."
Doth he?
"Methinks he do."
Lori, let's owe it to ourselves. Let's just let.
Not sleeping dogs lie,
Let them stir,
And go to war.
Proclaim intent...
And win.
And overcome,
The old me...
The old you.
Let us go to war, and WIN.
Win what we deserve. Win what we need. What we deserve... in life.
To live.
In love.
You/Me.
Them/Us.

Mud Pies Are Tasty...

2010-11-21T16:56:00.003-06:00

Yesterdays and today,
keeping the wolves at bay,
putting them down,
closing the town...
hoping what comes just may.

Howdy, folks. Chiefs won today, though I personally didn't see it go down. We are back in the driver's seat with Oakland losing to Pittsburg.
The world is a dark, dark place. You know how in movies the guy gets a second chance? Doesn't happen in real life. Real life is about getting pushed back down into the mud and mmmm, don't it taste good.

Hence...

2010-11-20T19:49:00.001-06:00

So I'm really drunk right now and am watching She's Out Of Your League. My chest hurts, it really hurts.
Hence the moustache...

Me Hate You Hate Me Hate You Hate Me...

2010-11-12T22:51:00.003-06:00

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD:
From the cleansing of the soul comes...
The power of Persuasion?
Alot of realities realised. Alot of thoughts being thought and...
Rejected. My brain processes aren't like most, yet they are as basic as anyone else. I'd guess you'd call them unique or more than a tste for the bland. In the end, everything has been done before.
Had I lived thousands upon thousands of years, I'd be a prophet. You'd turn an ear, you'd be apt to have your ears stand on end, let alone the end of your hairstrands...
You know what I mean now.
I found the great unreleased Adam Ant album around the same time as I lost my mind and pride I thought was unloseable. Funny, I know, right?
Have I lost my creativity? Let me know if you've seen it.
To have the world at your feet is to expect to end up at that very spot.
If you think this is a wrestling match with my faith, you are sorely wrong and should exit stage left immediately.
It is more an understanding of my current place and station in life, yet a yearning for more. To break out and strike it rich...
For the last couple of years at least I've been confusing downtroddeness with fury over mein own complacency.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I will figure this out, fix it, and show you the results. I'm so mad at myself right now. I meant good always, yet lost touch/faith in myself.
Things that I promise to myself:
I will stop killing my future.
I will slow the fuck down.
I will look people in the eye and kill them... metaphorically.
I will learn to shut my bitch ass mouth.

In the end, I'm well liked because I am brutally honest, even to myself. Am I alone? Probably not, but it will be squeezed out of you. It will be dashed upon the rocks of reason and reality. Trust me, I was once like, maybe even a little more ready to leap...
Never leapt, I am too scared to reveal myself to the likes of anyone that could ever hurt me with the knowledge they possess. Cryptic fucker, ain't I?
I reach out my hand, do you take it?
Do you cringe, or make a fatal mistake?
Do you glow, do you glitter?
Do you have that new car smell?
Like a bull in a China shop...

2010-11-07T08:17:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I'm drunk but still...
I'm a madman.
The only people that matter have spoken. As a Repuplican, I've been wating and waiting for my luck to change. You need more than two years, while you gala-muthafucking-vant around the country? Fuck you, Obama, we voted, you"re soon to be lost in the shuffle...
Fuck you, I'm broke as shit thanx to your new "deals"...

Zappa-Luv...

2010-11-02T23:31:00.004-05:00

Some guy from the ZAPPA forum hosted these. Amazing shots, a,azing everything.

oh, paul, i want be your babydoll.
Still can't typr, or see straight. Let me call it for you...

2010-10-30T23:35:00.002-05:00

before you... slip into... unconsciousness... i'd... like to have a... nother kiss. another flashing glance at bliss, another kiss. another kiss. is death really ugly? i can only hope it is a rebirth, a rebirth. a death anew. life, is that you? i reject you, and hate you, yet love you. i contradict myself, and then i die again. and then die again. wait until he sleeps, wait until he sleeps. will it come soon? will it come soon?

Regal Smeagol...

2010-10-30T12:30:00.004-05:00

So this is my little sweety, a dependent fought long and hard for in a knock down, drag out custody battle for the ages...
I love her. When I got her, she was kind of malnourished and neglected. I need to spend more time letting her stretch her legs. Too much time caged...
She's getting fatter now, but last night a mouse was in her cage eating her food, she almost got him. Next time...
I would love for her to eat raw meat, or maybe boiled chicken. Someday I want to raise a farmload of them, throw in live chickens and watch them devour it, feathers and all. This would be sweeeet.
Here she is, doing what she does best: SLEEP.
She can be quite a handful. Before she had a cage, she ran free, but I got tired of her not using her litterbox. Bad move on her part, because I ain't having it. I wish she would play more and hide less. She always wants you to chase or find her, and she can get into places you can't readily pull her out of.
Still, all in all, she is a great pet, I just wish I had more free time for her. I want to start making kickass ferret movies of her frolicking. We could all take note from a page in her book. That is if she could actually write some shit down, right?
So this is my little pet, dost thou liketh?
She has never bitten anyone, and I doubt she would. But if you are lower down on the food chain...
Watch out!
She used to ride my guinea pig and then sink her teeth into its shoulder. The shrieks were unbearable, so I got rid of the guinea pig. Besides, she stank, and shit constantly. And did nothing. If you were sneaking around the house in the dark, she would bust me out. When I'd be fucking, she'd make noise and throw me off, the little bitch.

So Hot, You're Cool...

2010-10-25T19:21:00.002-05:00

Show me my favorite beauty spot...
Tie me up in a love knot.
Boiling everybody up...

This is how I run. No middle, only extremes.
I am sick today. My sinuses are killing me, my nose is dripping goo, and my lungs want to cave in on me all the time. I need a nurse, one in particular...
I don't know if I mentioned earlier, but if you get a chance to see The Walking Dead on AMC on Halloween night, then please do. You won't be sorry. Very nice zombies in that one. Done respectfully.
Don't see Paranormal Activity 2, or you will be sorry.
I'm going to see Ronnie Milsap Thursday night at the casino. That would be cool to meet him. I want to test his sense of smell by throwing some Silent But Deadly's his way and see how he reacts. Would his superpowers kick in and be able to tell from whose buns didst this gas pass from?
Would he even know what was on the menu the night before?
"Ummmm... meatloaf?"
Nope. But you're getting warmer...
"It's gotta be sloppy joe's, son!"
Right you are, Mr Milsap, right you are...

Thus the thread title...

Eggs Benedict Arnold...

2010-10-18T19:40:00.003-05:00

Soon I have to skeedaddle but I will ramble at you for a few...
Some idiotic bitch tried to get me in trouble for putting for the suggestion that we should put exploding chips in the brainstems of illegal immigrants we catch which will detonate upon further crossings of the border.
Geeeeeeez.
Somebody's gotta come up with ideas here. I'm just spitballing. Anyway, said bitch trying to make me look all racial up in this piece.
Now, at least, I can say I hate one Mexican...

Chiefs lost again, on a bad fucking call. Somehow they are still on top of the division. Also, my Missouri Tigers moved up to 11 in the rankings while Arkansas dropped down almost where they belong...
In the toilet.
I have to go to my daughter's choir concert in a bit and am finishing up a nice little bake out session. Sounds better stoned as long as they don't do any more fucking Glee crap. Who the fuck really likes that shit?
I didn't like it the first time around when it was called Fame and Leroy wore supertight pants to show his package off to all the other prancing girlyboys.
OK, now not against gay people, just saying. If your kid likes this crap, worry.
Wonder what scared my parents? I like Olivia Newton John and the Pet Shop Boys...
Hmmmmmm.
Didn't take much to assure my parents Graveh was about ze poonanny.
Just a nice pair of footprints on the inside of my sunroof.
High five.

Severed Ties...

2010-10-14T13:32:00.004-05:00

I miss you. You are dead to me now, or are you? Yet my memories never die. How you fucking hurt me.
Sad. Sad. SAD.
Everything is wrong, everything is wrong. Tell me what to do?
Up is down, right is wrong. Life is never what it seems. Love me, love me, LOVE ME.
I hate you, I hate you. I have never been wrong, yet never right. When will come my time?

Dark Days Indeed...

2010-10-11T16:21:00.005-05:00

You know what that white stuff is on top of birdshit?
It's birdshit, too. Actually, it's probably their urine or whatever. Chickens have the same thing.
Who gives a fuck, right?
I just finished rereading The Invisible Man again, all on the toilet. Take that how you will, but he's a great writer. So is Michael Moorcock. Darkness...
Look deeply into mein eyes. Know that they search over your contemptible carcass with disdain. I hate you. I want to bathe in your juices. I want to dance with you as mein lifeless puppet.
Dirty brown...
Floppin' around...
Puffed up and bloated when the sun goes down...
So my beloved Chiefs are no longer undefeated, which is fine since they are doing way better than everyone thought. They are still in first place in their division, so suck it haters.
I made a giant deer chili Saturday. It was very spicy and wow. Ass dribblin's galore for the weak/week.
What else?
Soon to straighten a bunch of crap out. Wonder what it will bring with it?
Torn on a daily basis, inside and out/literally and metaphorically.
To want for yourself is often considered crime, one that is paid for to the very end.
The only other choice is to outlive.
Or outdistance...
Or outsource.
(Ha!)

My Only Friend, The End...

2010-10-07T15:44:00.002-05:00

Howdy folks...
Been away for awhile, due to messed up internet. Thought I'd splooge all over this blog real fast.
Saw Let Me In. It wasn't bad, and Hit Girl was awesome in it. A- to be sure.
Work still sucks, I have to work at another plant tomorrow. Wish I didn't but at least it's not miles and miles away this time.
I will probably have to hook up another modem soon, this one has a built in router. I just hate messing with it all. Give me my porn now!!!
Also, Vampire Wars is pretty boring now that they've pussed out the game. I think I will quit soon and dump that account.
Boring, boring. But I'm working through the mope and almost imagining I see a tiny pinprick of hope. Things are better, but I'm still a little tender.
I have a friend/dealer that always wants to hang out. He reminds me of my friend Jay. There is always some kind of catch when you're with him. I prefer to toke alone for this reason. He calls me daily, I find myself avoiding him at work or anywhere else.
I need ME time. End of story...
Back off, world.

The "I Don't Need a Fucking Picture" Post...

2010-09-15T18:45:00.003-05:00

So let me set the scenario: Born in '72, I grew up in the 80's. Reagan was a last bastion of what used to be good about us/U.S. All the TV shows had a good ending. Was this a big set up for shortcomings in the future?
My two favorite TV shows right now are Charles in Charge and Freaks and Geeks. WHY?
You fucking figure it all out, Einstein...
I'm a good guy, so why do I always end up with egg on my face. I want to change my life. I'm starting to understand that I cannot, or WILL NOT, continue to live like this.
Why are life's mistakes tinged with just... enough to make you not regret it?
I have the world's greatest kid, yet I neglect. Guess I subconsciously blame her for my own fuck ups. For that, I'm truly sorry. She is the only person in the wolrd that I can always bank on without fail. Never overdrawn, never expected to explain my constant bullshit...
So I'm watching Freaks and Geeks, and I'm crying.
Why?
Young love, and the fact that it never works out in the end. I'm seriously thinking about giving everything up. I just can't take LIFE anymore. I want to be with someone that doesn't try to hurt me. I'm pretty dull to most of it all, but still...
THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT NOTHING.
I am the life of the party, heyyyyyyyyyyyy, I'm the party clown. I will juggle, I will do somersaults. I will make you a super-fucking-special balloon animal that will rock your fucking world.
Who will make the clown laugh, who will make him forget how bad life has treated him.
Me?
My net is fucked, as much as is my life.
Imagine had you met me as a child, a teenager. Motivation? Fuck yeah.
Unfortunately naive and just... plain... stoopid.
I tire of this, I tire of feeding everyone cryptic and secretive feelings. Everyone knows me as the life of the party, everyone knows me for making them laugh...
The only thing missing is idiotic balloon animals.
I used to live my life, now I just can't wait for it to end. I almost restarted it, then I fucking wavered...

Here Comes Da Judge, Here Comes Da Judge...

2010-09-11T21:16:00.003-05:00

Whee doggies!!!
My net has been fritzing out on me of lates, so this post better not be for naught.
Anyhoo, saw Resident Evil whatever. Twas mighty inebriated, and fell asleep for about half of it. What I do semi remember was that it was kind of lame. Bummer. It'll make alot of money and they'll do another crappy one. I want a reboot, but like the games...
AND NO FUCKING ALICE!!!
I would be happy if they made movies like Regeneration and started from the beginning. Get good actors to do voices, perfect even for making them in 3D.
I would love it. I thought the gloomy, grungy feel of video style in RE4 was the bomb. Of course they would have to polish it up a little, but dayumn. Anything is better than the shit they are pulling now. Geeeez.
So anywaysssss.....
Just kicking back here alone. And wow, I've been posting alot more here lately. It would've been more if it wasn't for my net. Nothing worse than typing a lengthy heartfelt post and then hitting enter and...
Nada.
So yeah, as you can tell I'm bored. Ate at Buffalo Wild Wings and it was lame as usual. Shitty food, long wait. Best to get buzzed before you order. I didn't have that option but I toked up as best as I could on short notice. Their wingies taste like shit, but I got some black and bleu burger thangie. All I'm gonna say is, "Ehhhhhhhhhhhh."
They're just lucky I was really hungry. Their Bloody Mary's are lame too. Yuck, tabasco sauce. I prefer Tapatio and alot of pepper.
I may have to raid the kitchen later and MacGuyver the shit out of some food. I'm that good.
Ta-ta for now, if I think of anything worthwhile, I will say howdy doo once again. Need inspiration.
Need some Charles in Charge season 2.
Don't judge me.

Ehhhh.....

2010-08-30T21:28:00.003-05:00

A place where nobody dared to go...
Heaven, with tears, and pain once again. I'm tired of surprises. She, she, she...
WHY?!!?
Xanadu doesn't exist at all. I kept trying to tell myself this. I was wrong. You are killing me, you are killing me. My heart hurts so much. Why are you yet another person to reappear in my life, you are all like some sort of cruel purgatory.

Russell Porpoise...

2010-08-29T18:26:00.002-05:00

Today I went to see The Last Exorcism, which sucked donkey balls. Very Blair Witch.
Right now I'm laughing to Harland Williams, but earlier I was getting some Olivia Newton John love going. The question is:
Would a little more love make it right?
Are my dreams really hanging out in Xanadu?
I went to a party last night. I was stoned when I arrived, and went outside to smoke more. Then I got roped into shots of tequila. They weren't very big, maybe half sized. I wish I could've stayed a little longer to drain their bar, and forget to have trouble sleeping once more...
Invisibility, I think that would be a swell power. You could do whatever you wanted with it, bad or good. Maybe even a mixture of both.
You could become the truth, no one would know if you were in the room, or on the scene...
You could become vengeance, and retribution. Worldwide, or just in your own neck of the woods...
You could haunt someone, become their worst nightmare. Kill the ones they love and make them pay for having the gall, the nerve...
Personally, I think I would find a way to be an assassin. Kill some high profile people: Kim Jong Il, the Iranian guy whose name I can't pronounce or spell, and maybe Hugo Chavez to piss Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey off. Then take case by case jobs afterward and decide on my own if they are worthy to my personal cause.
Ahhh, to be a shark!!!
But to have a porpoise...
Don't be an octopuss.

Assface...

2010-08-28T18:26:00.003-05:00

Have I been showing my ass again?
Worked today, had lots of drama there. Probably going to get some idiot schlub fired who served me a shitty breakfast in the cafeteria. Long story, but an email got sent to the VP of the company which got a response in about five minutes.
Heads rolling and asses handed...
I was supposed to go to some idiot party where they were going to kill two goats, then they were going to do karaoke. Somewhere in there I guess I'm some douche racist for getting sick on some shitty Mexican food, pardon moi, and got uninvited. Like I wanted to go anyway. They also said I complained about how shitty Mexican music is, which it is...
Well, it is!
So I think we were talking about seeing that new Exorcism movie. I bet it will suck, but we will see. Saw Survival of the Dead, it wasn't bad, but the CG was cold and lifeless. I think that's what pisses most of the fans off. Gotta do it right.
Someone give George Romero a decent budget to work with then. Fans bitch, but I don't see them chipping in...
OK, mein little chalupas. Time to check da Bookface.

Flying Fucked-Upped-Ness...

2010-08-16T18:24:00.003-05:00

I get knocked down...
But I get up again?
Sadly, I am like Jason. I can't be killed.
Believe me, I've tried. I just don't think it can be done. I drink, I smoke, I masturbate too close to the screen. I even stand with my nuts next to the microwave when I'm cooking a kickass BBQ beef sammich...
So that, just in case, my kids still unborn will be too blissfully retarded to know WTF is going on in this mixed up shithole.
Dark sun rose on the ridge, cut clear across the sky,
As good a day as any to die...
No reservation, madam,
No reason to know why...
Running late, stiletto heels,
Try to cruise, send out the wheels...
Daily, I get no reprieve from the thoughts that torment me so. I get to see where I went wrong, I get to see...
The mess that was created. I'd say by me, but I'm not entirely sold on that point yet. I will say I'm not without fault.
I guess I'm just saying that anyone caught in the wirlwind of my bullshit came there of their own volition. You thought I was sane: I am not.
You thought I was just rolling in the motherfucking dough: I am not.
I will never trust or believe in something that is too good to be true. I can still smell the sizzled flesh from the last time.
I would like to believe you never meant to hit me in the face like this, metaphorically speaking... of course.
When you live on the hopes and dreams of other, and forget about yourself, then at some point you will be thrown to the wolves.
Torn asunder. Where do you go from there?
I do not GET ants, or anything else in the animal kingdom. Is evolution a one way ticket to suicide?
Does our thinking lead us off the beaten path to spiritual enlightenment?
Hogwash and poppycock!!!
You spend your life in preparation for this day,
Breathe in the air, it's loaded with fame...
check out those weapons, sister, before you hit that fray,
String of pearls meet bits of gems...
ENTER THE BATTLE OF THE LENSES...
I want nothing, yet I want it all. I want to want nothing perhaps. Is this a struggle we all yet face?
I pretend to know nothing. Sadly, I know how it all turns out.
Want to know where it all leads?
We live in a cruel world where innocents die daily, yet we couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. Personally, I'm oblivious to it all. You could die in front of me and I couldn't give a flying fuck...
I live to not hear the noise of your dying breath. I live to hear you just not BE anymore.
I also like to project feelings about myself...

TBC...

2010-08-16T16:16:00.002-05:00

I think I petered myself out writing all that. Vacation going good so far. Talked to my nephew on Facebook, and friended a few cousins around the world. My dad keeps posting up some pretty kickass pictures on his page. I put a link up on the top right corner of the page to my page.
Page, page, page.
Paging Dr. Douchebag...
I realise my ramblings are not as interesting when I'm sober, but I'm sure that will be remedied in no time flat. I also need a smokie smokie or three to wash it down with. It just seems like the internet is dead to me lately again. I guess I should watch my words because that is usually the cue for my net to go down and leave me hanging.
I watch alot of documentaries and read alot online. And anytime someone poses a question I'm not sure about... I find out. Then I read a little farther back into it. I like to be in the know when I'm talking.
Sadly...
To be continued.

Die-alysis...

2010-08-08T08:35:00.002-05:00

Ouch, my liver...
I live in Arkansas, where they don't sell liquor on Sunday. Probably a good thing.
Wonder how this is going to affect me down the road.
Ehhhh, who cares, right?

Kylie Minogue Me...

2010-08-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

ehhhhh, kylie minogue me.
please?

The I Don't Have a Picture Post...

2010-08-07T12:19:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting here, right?
Mulling over the bad decisions in my life over a few or more drinks...
Which is worse, gambling or drinking?
At least I'm true to myself with my weaknesses.
Sometimes I feel like the 7th Stranger. A troubador for trouble, a bard for burglery of booteh.
I'm definitely, and easily, a wordsmith. Yet, I'm the Jim Morrison without the star power. Maybe someday...
I'm meant for bigger and better things.
Dare you join me?
Deep, dark piano lines are drawn, the shades are closed. The mental masseuse is now in session...
SING BLOO SILVER!!!

Denial...

2010-08-06T23:30:00.002-05:00

I am the ax man... uhhhh, man.
The thing I like the most about myself, although I have MANY faults, is that I can let fly with my emotions and make sense.
Maybe even sway you...
Letting fly is probably the hardest thing to do, because it gives people preconceived notions...
Let alone false ideas where you stand. I can understand how people try to rationalize things they do not understand. I just can't understand how people can go against their core beliefs to justify bringing an end to the means when it means tearing down the shit you grew up supposedly knowing and learning what was true.
I'm just trying to figure out ME, people.
Ohhhh, you're just a fallen hero.
Sadly, in life, many noteworthy deeds get trampled in the mud. they get misunderstood, they get
misinterpreted. People wnt to see what they want to see, rationale be damned!!!
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no.
Ohhh no, no....

2010-08-04T21:59:00.001-05:00

I love you guys...

Sift Through This...

2010-08-03T00:53:00.002-05:00

Dinner for Schmucks...
The only really funny parts were with Zak and Carell trying to mindfuck with each other. It was more miss than hit for me. I think Zak needs his own vehicle to superstardom. A spinoff of this with Carell, anything. Rudd was lame and wishy washy as usual.
B-.
So I was surfing the net, thinking about all this deep ass shit. Or stonily thinking it was...
Until I finally thought it'd be a good time to share here.
By then I'm depleted. Nothing witty or silly.
It's one in the a.m.
I should be asleep. Just a few more...
Pshwoooooooop. Pshwoooooooooooooooooop.
Finishing off My Name is Earl.
I'm such a wild mofo.
Waiting for the phoenix to arise from these cigarette ashes...

I Just May...

2010-08-01T14:49:00.002-05:00

Oh... mah... GAWD.
I have a fucking hangover. And my armpits smell like someone rubbed a Big Mac on them.
Last night I slammed a pint of 100 proof vodka.
Why I did this, I'll never know.
I had a good time, though. Today I signed into my other Facebook account and checked out the 20 year reunion I didn't go to pictures.
OK, just took a shower. I feel better but still...
Something is amiss.
Somebody better get their shit together, because this cowboy is heading out west if it doesn't.

School Spirit Shakes...

2010-07-31T20:10:00.003-05:00

Hi, gang. I just got back from seeing Zac Effron in uhhhhh...
Charlie St. Cloud, which I just had to look up, by the way...
C, just for the supernatural element.
So, not sure how long I haven't posted, but what are you gonna do. Sue me?!?!?
I'm covered in bug bites, which I though were fleas, but they were only mostly on my hands and lower legs. I'd always noticed these were the only exposed parts when I'm sleeping.
This morning I was doing something in the kitchen when I felt a tickle on my lower back. I smacked at it and noticed a wetness. It was a juicy mosquito, so I'm guessing he was the culprit. Fucker was living off us, mostl;y my fingers. Well, no longer. You just got knocked the fuck out!!!
My neighbor has a above ground pool thing that he didn't fill, but has rainwater and grass goo in. Idiot is unknowingly breeding those bastards like... mosquitos!!!
I have been spending alot of time watching Flip Schultz comedy, and his character by the name of Skippy Greene. He got knocked out of the tryouts for Last Comic Standing this season, though he told me in a message he'd gotten alot farther in season 4. That's right, friended him on the old Bookface...
I know it means nothing. Heck, when Nick Swardson was putting Grandma's Boy out, he was pretty accessible too. So, anyway, the guy is hilarious. I thought Skippy was naughty, but Flip is akin to a Jim Morrisonesque style comedian. He dares to shock and piss you off some. I like that.
And he has yet to piss me off. Or shock me.
Just don't talk about my mama...
So, me then?
Ehhhhh. I'm doin'.
I think it's going to be me, a bottle of spirits, and a pack of cancer sticks on the horizon tonight.
Just how fucking dark does it have to get before the dawn?
Hmmmm?
I feel like the drowning man that is barely still treading water, but finds his second wind.
Yet it is what it is: a second welling up of strength... to do what?
Prolong doom, nothing more.
False hope.
Right now everyone else's straw seem to be stretched towards mein milkshake.
And they all like to renege on their promises.
I needz to find my metaphoric pair of scissors to snip, snip, snip away the plastic probosci probing at mein main mojo...
Put on that black suit and become the man in black again.
Let this not be another second wind, only prolonging, never relieving...
I can't imagine what hell would be like. And heaven better not be more of what we have down here. Everything is so depressing most of the time. Please, tell me that death ends it.
That I don't just go somewhere else to die over and over again.
I need some high fives in there to muster up enough to continue sometimes.
Otherwise there is no point, capiche?
I wanted to see Dinner for Schmucks today. I fucking ended up with Zac Effron.
How does that work out like that?
My milkshake is empty now, let me borrow yours.
Notice I didn't punctuate that as if it were a request.
That is because it wasn't.
So hand it over, Fuckface.
You too, Obama loving sheeple.
(Sorry, just had to throw that one in there.)

I Just Do...

2010-07-24T16:38:00.002-05:00

Yet, there's more...
I secondguess my own motives. I wish I was dead. I stayed over guilt, or what was it?
Dread?
Why does it hurt so much? I hate this part of my life, my death... my undeath...
The change hurts. Or is it my pride?
I wish I could hear from somebody. I have no friends once again...
Ehhh, I probably do, but I can't hear them anymore. I can't hear anything but what I want to hear...
Which is nothing. I can't hear you... I can't hear you anymore. If I ever get back to where I was before I will continue to grind away at, not build upon, what undid me. You hurt me, Martha, more than I've ever let anyone hurt me. It'd have been better if you'd slapped or spit upon my face and just told me to fuck off. When I kissed you, I meant it. Always did I mean it. It hurts me to think you may have kissed me and didn't mean it at the time, like you did it to keep the wolves you thought were at bay...
I bared myself. To you. As much as I could...
I tasted life as you would show it to me. I didn't try to kill it. You could've told me that night that you'd moved out. Was I too late, even then
I get it...
Pain for me, a learning experience. Then why does it feel like I was revenged upon?
Answer in the title.

The Quirky Jerk...

2010-07-24T16:21:00.002-05:00

Can you tell I haven't really been AT my keyboard for years now? Right after I started this blog, at a time when I was at a peak...
Physically and almost mentally...
Well, as much as the mind could facilitate...
And so I once again tried to shake off the bonds of my absurdity and rejoin society once... again
I know now that I wasn't in love, I wasn't in love with anyone...
I was in love with what I'd become...
Loved.
Wanted.
Fantasized about...
Now I am the one who lives in fantasy. A fitting demise, perhaps?
No, I refuse this ending. Rewrite, give me a motherfucking rewrite.
To live in a world where I was played isn't any worse than a world where I was the player...
The dabbler...
I'm starting to think you are either a fool, or the fooled. And when I say you, I mean me...
Are we always on the up/downside?
Kicking or being kicked, it is all wrong.
So let's do the move with the quirky jerk. I'm not talking about your date, either...

No, I Said She's Fucking Goofy...

2010-07-22T23:54:00.002-05:00

Facebook is the devil...
Vampire Wars and Bejeweled. Waste of time. I saw The Sorceror's Apprentice tonight, it was very nice. I liked it very mucho. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
The shadows are a'comin'...
Not to mention the bags under mein eyes...

Hungy Like Da wolf, Anyone...?

2010-07-16T15:13:00.002-05:00

Leo DiCrapio...

2010-07-16T15:02:00.002-05:00

So wow, I've been posting alot recently. Now if only some of it were worth reading...
Got sinus troubles so I stayed home today again. I sat around and watched videos online all day, mostly of Norm MacDonald. I love that guy. I wonder what he is like away from the camera or microphone.
Especially after a few drinkypoos...
I'm not sure if we are seeing Inception tonight, or WTF in general. I don't feel like doing anything in particular other than partaking of this fine herb.
"Ere, want some?
We saw Get Him to the Greek the other day, it was so so. Alot of Jonah Hill taking it up the butt. I liked it, but Russell Brand is a freak and I can't stand him. And P Diddy?
It's kind of like Inception as well...
Everybody in it is awesome except the douchebag playing the main character, Leonardo DiCaprio. Why do people insist on shoving him down my throat?
Fuck off already...

Scar Tissue...

2010-07-14T22:34:00.003-05:00

Prideful pride...
Now tearful tears...
Then shameful shame...
Why?

Why?

Why?

The things I used to fantasize about seem far removed. You want to know what goes through my mind? What tickles my fancy?
Revenge. Saying fuck it and leaving everyone but my daughter. Then winning the Powerball. Going to see everyone who done did me wrizzong. Doing my song and dance, then waiting for them to beg me to take them back, or to love them, or to...
I've even had the murdering people I hate dream thang. I remember wishing people dead as a child. It is amazing the defense mechanisms we create to deal with all the bullshit in life we have to go through. Some of these never go away untreated.
I went to an A.A. meeting with my kid. Someone chose to pick on me, call me out. Uncover my hiding place...
Wrong tactics there, bub.
She was right, in the end. I will most likely be alone. I sacrificed so much to be with her, then when it fell through...
Who the fuck does she think she is, Dionne Warwick?!?!?
I'm left with nothing but the things I tried to shirk. Except for one person, the person I've done everything I could for.
I wish I could close my eyes and find myself back... back... back...
1990?
1987?
Clarksburg?
Marshall?
Eldon?
Martha?
Irma?
Lisa?
The womb?
There is no womb in the room. Or vice-versa...
I love how this blog, over time, has turned into a pity party. Love will do that to you.
Sometimes I wonder what strange emotions mein own child feels. I remember feeling burning love even in elementary school. Older girls...
My first nude girl at ten when she was 14, sans intercourse...
Then 6th grade, when I briefly had a girlfriend who was in the 8th grade. Then Lisa, who was in college whilst I was in high school. Then Irma, then that chick post Irma right before I got this jerb. She was the oldest chick I'd fucked for a long time. Thirty when I was twenty...
Sadly, I was actually semi proud of that.
Another woman taking advantage. I also remember a beautiful woman wanting me to whisk her away from an abusive boyfriend. Wanting to use me, wanting to suck me dry, then comes the discarding of the husk...
I wonder if, later, I will be able to decipher, years from now, just what the fuck I was saying here. I wonder if the words I put down are the words of a madman, or just that of the maimed...
The injured...
Mortally wounded?
Ample opportunities. Lack of gumption. The tools I need to fix my life are out of reach, or so it seems. I don't want to be lost, yet I stare off into space. I'm a walking, talking, motherfucking paradox.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen...
I'm sad for us all. Mostly sad for me, but what can you do?
My egocentrism. My masochism. The sadism that goes along with it. My need to control...
To be the conductor, I'm a one man show. I'm like Robin Williams only funny and still sometimes relevant. A revenant...
Am I trouble?
Do I lack a soul?
A.A.'s foundation, their "cornerstone", is GAWD. I cannot, and will not, pretend. I cannot pretend I believe in something so fucking far fetched. I hate life, I hate the feeling that I'm plummeting to my doom. Yet not only am I fascinated by it and drawn like a moth to the flame, it is akin to orgasm. Doom...
Dooooooom.

A Different Corner...

2010-07-14T19:04:00.002-05:00

This one is short. I'm missing you tonight.
Why?
I read that he is dead, since Friday. In the ground by Saturday.
I wonder...
Had we left each other alone, would things be different and better?
Would you and he be happy somewhere, wherever, whilst I hadn't stopped to dally?
If this date was slated to be, then I think maybe we would've been doomed anyhow.
Fuck me, life sucks. I seriously feel like a drink. Then another...
Then the rest.
I want you to fade. You refuse to.
I refuse to let you.

Mantis...

2010-07-12T21:12:00.003-05:00

I will nibble and polish the tops of your minds,
(the tops of your minds...)
And leave your ripe melons as nothing but rinds,
(nothing but rinds...)
So when I have moved on and you've turned to dust,
(you've turned to dust...)
Now remorse is long lost, returned is the lust...
(lust is a must...)
There's no time to wallow,
In pools of disgust,
I want to feed on you...
To polish your trust.

I'm mixing together a new video to some shizz I mixed together. Hope it turns out sweeet.
I will share later...

Coup D'etat...

2010-07-11T12:40:00.003-05:00

My brain is throbbing. Not sure why, but it is definitely hijacking my mood. It feels like my head is on one of those swizzle sticks in a hurricane. Or one of those fucking bobbleheads...
I should be fine. It is warm out, and I've actually caught up on some much needed dozing.
Maybe it's all the thoughts in my head. Get divorced?
I think I'm going to sit back and watch. If things don't pick up in my life, I'm going to do drastic things, things that have been warned about...
Why does it always suck huge throbbing donkeyballs? There was a time when I didn't feel like this...
I will again, but there will probably be hard times to come before then.
Hindsight is 20 fucking 20, my friends...
Too bad life isn't like window's paint.

Mein Royal Donkeypunch...

2010-07-10T00:42:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here watching a Kids in the Hall sketch called Hitler Fucks a Donkey, and it got me thinking...
Just about alot of things. Hell, I guess even farther back than the past four years.
Of things, past perceived failures, that I've beaten myself up over in the... uhhhh, past.
I seem to attract some fine ass girl pussy from time to time, yet my fatal flaws kick in everytime. Whether it be inopportune opportunities, or just the darndest luck...
The window always seems to slam down on my already mangled digits.
Stories, and more on top of that I could tell.
Yet now I think of a time when I could surf the net and never tire of watching old Solid Gold episodes, or any other trivial pursuit.
This is the time that I hate: when nothing tastes, nothing feels, nothing IS.
It WAS, now that what is not is no more. Was it ever?
I want things given to me, handed over rightfully so. I deserve these things, give them to me now.
The keys to the kingdom are MEIN.
I had other things to say, much deeper, but I don't feel like saying anything of importance now.
Anger has mostly given way to despair. I've yet to feel that spark again, the one I need to rebuild...
Carefully plan the demise of all who stand in my path to righteous domination of, well...
All of you. Fools.
Dance, monkeys.
Do this now for Your Royal Holiness. Or Unholiness, take your pick.
I also saw Predators tonight. It was pretty good. Go see it.
Fuck Eclipse.

Mutt Slexicans...

2010-06-29T18:19:00.002-05:00

Where am I, under that pile of sweet tasty buds?
I wish.
It's so dry here right now you could towel off with it...
I'm ok, though.
Connection, connections. Friends. Amigos.
Tonight I am going to see Grown Ups, but for now...
Puff, puff, pass. And lay low with some of the late Andy Gibb to tide me over.

"I'd rather you be a slut than a Mexican-n-n-n-n-n-n!!!"
Random quote from the Youtube video I'm listening to...

So wow, posts here two days in a row. Is this some sort of new beginning?
Or an end to an end?
Zip-doodle.

To the Slaughter...

2010-06-28T19:08:00.003-05:00

My Queen...
In the end it would be better to have never been awakened. You lay dying at the end of my blade. Ebbing...
Flowing...
Into me, and out of me. My feelings for you wrestle each other for yet but a toehold...
I dream, of course, of things past.
Lost, I am, at times. Mortally wounded at others...
The undeserved cry unashamedly for themselves.
The Eternal Champion is reluctantly born anew.
Shackles are thrown off, to be shown a new... larger cage.
One without bars, yet without options...

So many parallels do I draw with Elric. I kill all that I love and draw their strengths selfishly into myself. Then comes the move where I use my foot to push you off the end of my sword...
Oooof.
I see and experience things that occasionally seem too much to be coincidence. Places I'm forced to wander, like I'm being led. But to what?
Bahhhhhhhhhhh......

The Fussy Part...

2010-06-20T01:31:00.002-05:00

Laughing Asian babies always lighten the mood, almost as much as puppies from around the world. Or not.
Let's pretend, though that this is utterly true. Right now I am smoking the stickiest of the icky and the ickiest of the sticky. It's 1:35 am. I'm getting kinda mesmerised by all this baby-cutely-ness...
So I saw Jonah Hex today. It wasn't bad, I give it a B+. I was completely gong showed through it and munching on plain M&Ms, so that was superkickass.
Anyway, I thought I had some shit to say, because I was getting bored of watching heckler videos and George A. Romero interviews on Youtube. Then my mind went blank here and now it just feels awkward with everyone staring at me. Waiting, hanging on my...
Pussy fart.
Yeah, I said it.
And you knew it was coming.
Short term memory loss brought on by the chuffing of the peeba, or brain freeze from downing a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby?
Or a combination of the two?

My Own Thunder...

2010-06-16T01:13:00.003-05:00

So I got a new computer. And lost a few things...
There is nothing now but singed feathers and cooked flesh.
What will rise from the ashes this time?
If it makes any sense, I am saddened and relieved at the same time for all that has befallen of me in the recent weeks. I am now free to... be free?
If someone had left me the fuck alone around New Year's, I'd be totally fine by now. People are evil deep down. I often wonder if you are all just some... thing to keep me amused, or busy, or numb. The inner workings of us all are selfish in nature. Let's look at the extreme, shall we?
Bono.
If our egos were to be set loose, would we not thump our chest in victory over all the naughty things that we vanquished? That guy is up to no good. And their music has sucked since Zooropa...
I just don't know. I'm waiting to hit that peak again, or to be on the upswing of things. I want to start working out again, but my rib just isn't quite there yet. I need something that I do not what it is. Or where. Or even the why...
People keep trying to tell me there is a point, but I'm starting to think they are pulling my leg. That or spitting up my ass and telling me it's raining.
I make my own thunder, though...

Dingleberries From Heaven...

2010-05-26T22:54:00.003-05:00

No, Han!!!
Look out for that...
Nevermind.
So, like a fool I am waiting. Carbon frozed. Waiting to be thawed. Then maybe the blindness from the whole process will keep me oblivious to all that is swirling ominously around me for a time.
I laid in the dark of my room for about an hour tonight. Or layed, whichever...
Wondering...
When's gonna come my time, Lord?!?!?
Yeah, right.
I need flavor, I need the unknown. My problem is that when I find such a thing, I crush the last droplets of juice out of it quickly, hungrily, and most greedily. Then I discard and pine for the sweet nectar of that which I've...
Cast into the dirt.
Like an unwashed Wookie with dingleberries the size of baseballs.
I would like to love things, or even to love to like things. Right now, everything and everyone is an object to be used and put back in its case. Tucked away snugly for the next time. The only problem is...
Why can't you all just stay nicely fucking tucked away?
And another thing. Why do people insist on touching me? One guy I work with punches me in the arm several times a day or wraps his arm and stuff around me. I think he's gay. It would make sense since he's a deacon in a church.
I always just try to shirk as far away from him as possible. And when people strike up chats with me, they get the stare. Or a mumbled, "Huh?"
Preoccupation with the investigation of the mastication of my personal relations...
I need a vacation!

Trouble With a Capital T...

2010-05-23T02:28:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it has all come to this. I began this blog when I was in the fairest of health. Mentally and physically. I can't believe you stole my only kiss. My only kiss...
I wish for a twist, I wish for a turn. I wish the knife wouldn't twist. I wish the knife wouldn't twist.
Amor, I am not weak. I am the strongest of wills. Let me fucking show you, let me just...
Win?
I love you, I love nobody after. I am done. I am almost done. I can't take anymore of this. I am too fragile. I am too fucking fragile. Oh, Tokyo.....................................

To be strong is to be without you. Can't you see? No matter what it is, it's suicide. Were you put there to torment me further?
I won't cry for yesterday, I will make new tomorrows. To believe anything else is to die, though I sometimes think it is better for all those around me. To die young, to die. To cease, to fucking cease, yet to be reborn anew. I can stop giving a fuck. I will not stop breathing, though. I will win, in spite of all of you. I will do it on mein own. I will hate everyone over it, I hate you all already.
I can resist you. No, I can't. Yes, I can. Didn't I already tell you my middle name is TROUBLE?

Hey Folks...

2010-05-19T19:54:00.002-05:00

Long time no see. Sorry, been busy fucking my life up. I guess what really sucks in the end about it is that you invest so much of your time and your SELF to someone or something. Then they decide to take a giant shit all over you. I'm tired of not wanting to think or feel. I'm tired of waiting, of dreaming. Of wanting, of pining...
Of being one giant pussy. What is the point of finding out the things you think you want to know, to hear...?
I don't want to win the race anymore, I'd just be happy to reach the finish line with my head held high. I've hurt some people, and I've been hurt too. I want happiness, and for those around me to be also. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Once Again, Now Back, What Then?

2010-04-22T21:32:00.002-05:00

Nothing but a speck of dust in the desert of your mind...
You are an asshole. A fucking asshole. I am a motherfucking tornado, and you will be fucking swept up like a motherfucking ant. You are the one that spun me thus.
You did this: to me, and to you. I will be your downfall, I will be the thing that poisoned you. If I am not with you, I hope I am the bullet in the gun that ends your playtime with my heart.
I only want your love, your touch, your everything. Women are the worst, they know your weaknesses. They exploit them. We will have a showdown. Whether you like/want it or not.
You want me to forget you? At one time you wanted me to fucking rescue you, how much of a dumbass am I?
I love you and you shit all over my heart. Every fucking day. Not only is there not room at the top, there is no top.

2010-04-18T18:25:00.002-05:00

am i standing on the cusp? teeter, teeter. neener, neener. weakness? you are my only, only, weakness. i have never loved anything more in my life. i am poor, yet I pour myself into you. Am I a fool?
Yes.
I love you. Deep in my heart I do. Right now it only hurts. Martha, I love you. Martha, Martha, Martha.

Today...?

2010-04-02T11:11:00.002-05:00

The one sanctuary I finally have. Day to day life makes me wanna fucking kill myself. I hate life, I hate all of you. I would totally be happy to live off the land, to fucking live...
You make me mad, you make me throw up in my own mouth. I hate you, I fucking hate you.
I really.. fucking DO. Today?
Maybe...
Why are we not exploring space?

Jizz a Lil...

2010-03-26T22:34:00.005-05:00

Waiting for Vampire Wars to continue, I thought I'd post up. We saw Hot Tub Time Machine tonight. A+ all the way. The idiot movie critic gave it a 79% and said it was kind of Hangover-ish without as much yucks.
I loved it, and some of the surprises at the end are high-larious.
Cusack on shrooms, Craig Robinson representin' on stage, and Rob Cordry spreading drunken baby batter with wild abandon. What more could you ask for?
Also, bleached my hair blond, not sure if I mentioned it yet. I will try to snap a few pics later. Kind of waiting for it to go a little more whiter first...
Favorite song right now is, from what I gathered, an old original recording(with lyrics) of Tel Aviv by Duran Duran. I need to find the lyrics for it. The song is nothing like the instrumental version that eventually made its way on the album. I wish they still played and sang like that. It seemed alot deeper, and grander in scale. Don't get me wrong, all their stuff is bizarre and awesome. But I like the sound they had at the beginning. I'd love to hear them do Tel Aviv with Andy. I think I might actually jizz a little.

Sorrier Than You...

2010-03-25T17:17:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting there this morning...
No, Ronnie was not having a good time since he had to talk to people he nothing in common with.
I just wanted to go home.
Look, I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the... whatever.
I want to share how I feel, I want to just fucking share.
Yet, deep down, I cannot.
This is the darkest time of my life, can't you see?
I'm torn between thinking you are done... and that you are just testing me. I'm pretty sure I/you are delusional in the end. I keep wanting to see the good in things, you want to either forget or pretend like they never happened. You can't. You just fucking can't. How? How?
I have unfortunately lived in a dream the past four fucking years. A fantastic dream, hell yesh.
Yet you still get to wake up from it. Brain Candy anyone?
I'd love to NOT wake up from my happiest moment in life.
Why?
Because I hate life right now. I'm not sure it's ever gonna change. I said it before, and I swear I meant it. Where did I go wrong? Yes, I'm difficult to get along with. When do I get to see where I ever, never, ever, never, did right?
Can I not do a 180? Can I not come back inside your heart?
At one time I thought I never did anyone wrong by just doing myself wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Look, I grew up thinking I was never going to amount to nothing. Then I discovered music, and angst, and then I was off and running.
I think I am fixable...
I'm torn between my own prideful thoughts and the OTHER SIDE.
I find when you open up your heart it gets trampled on. Then you harden, you close up. I hate that. I really hate it...
I swear, none of this was my fault. OK, maybe 98% of it, but you know what?
I'm sorrier than you.

Vampire Wars...

2010-03-21T18:24:00.002-05:00

So I have another Facebook account that is a little more mein own. I play alot of Vampire Wars there, and am finally getting somewhere. Pointless as it is...

I think it's finally getting better in other areas too. Festering until realisation turns to bitter resolve is the most often travelled path, yet painfully slowwwwwwwwwww.

I remember vowing to never go where I ended up going anyway. I also remember the wind blowing the hair out of my eyes just... so... they could be dazzled by the sun.

And then dazzled by other things...

Probably more dazzled by own own prideful chest beatings and cock thrashings, I'd say. It feels like the time I lost $600 at the casino, times Infinity. I must admit I nearly gambled everything away. Now, with the exception of my child, I feel utterly alone. I now wholeheartedly accept that I did alot of things wrong in the past few years, and would like to atone for it. I will also work on my mind and body, sharpening both again. With age and experience, wisdom they say, I will attempt to beat back the ravages of this ravaging ravageness!!!

Remember, people, just because you are sitting pretty high atop the peak of a magestic mountain doesn't mean an eagle or something can't still take a giant shit on your head. If your eyes are focused upon your own reflection all the time, it's hard to keep your eyes peeled for whatever may fall on your head and bring you crashing back down to Realityville.

Your, your, your!!!

See the pattern here? My choices are to get out of myself and give it all away to everyone else, or to succumb to the ME-ness and just do mein own thang. Regardless of the rest of you foolish mortals...

I wish I had some kind of USB port thingie in my ear so I could just pour it out. Then you can all just sift...

Or should I have one in my heart?

Maybe I should install one right where that gaping hole is. Maybe the flesh will just grow around it. Sure, it'll be scarred and grotesque. Who fucking cares, right?

Not this creature of the night.

I want to laugh like before, I want to feel like there are things out there to see and do again. And reasons...

Reasons for being. Reasons for caring. Just reasons.

I do not like to lose. I do not like feeling like it is better to not have anything to lose.

Burns heal easily on the outside, and over time the scars will fade to become unnoticed by the naked eye. But inside...

Recoil can be deadly. Figuratively and literally.

Meditate on that.

Mr. Self Destruct...

2010-03-17T18:39:00.002-05:00

I uploaded this to piece of shit Youtube and they eventually blocked it in pretty much every country with net access. Too bad, it's a pretty good mashup of the three parts of a Nine Inch Nails song. I'd had Further Down the Spiral for years now, but had never really given it much of a chance. Now I likes it alot.

The world is a ghetto. I don't know which would be/is worse: believing horrible things are true or rash paranoia? I'll leave it at that. We saw Cop Out last night. Ehhhhhhhhh...

C+. It was ok, but I ended up liking Brucie better than Tracy Morgan. I guess he's funnier in cameos and bit parts, he can't carry a whole movie with his retarded banter. Also, deduct points for being directed by Kevin Smith.

I feel like I'm really beginning to hate you all again. You never let me down, or cease to fucking amaze me. I wish I could share alot of things, yet I cannot. My blog seems to have become a littering ground for mumblings and wayward meanderings that trail off...

I'm also a week behind on The Biggest Loser. I guess tonight I will watch last week's episode on Hulu and play with my ferret. I've nothing better to do with my time. I did, but no longer. Right now I'm content to just rot. Everything dies. I already have...

A feast of friends...

"Alive!" she cried.

Waiting for me...

Outsiddddddddddddddddddde.

The Ghosts Are Creepin' In...

2010-03-10T10:38:00.002-06:00

Anybody else in them? It's a sad thing when you have to wish bad things for yourself to get out of the everyday bullshit you have to deal with...

Broken arms, the wheel to go out on your minivan so as to cause it to turn and flip repeatedly until you are thrown out of the window and smashed by said minivan...

Maybe just better to give up, turn catatonic and let people take care of you.

Awhile back, someone said I was an attention whore. They said I threw ending my life out there like it was a life raft or something...

Truth is, it hit me like a sack of potatoes. I had really many times come close, yet somehow woke up. Who knows, maybe the comments hit me right in the... pride?

I'm constantly left with thoughts on my behavior, on my... interactions with everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world.

I think when you are down, you are all alone. Thought someone loved you?

Wrong.

Thought someone was actually interested in your little take on what up?

Wrong.

Selfless acts are, more often that not, a final nail in the coffin. The day I shirk these chains and get myself completely together, someone will come along and throw another shitload on.

Hot Tub Time Machine, my ass. I can go no further than the day my daughter was born.

What I endure on a daily basis, is it fantasy?

You see things like Corey Haim passing and you go, "Hmmmmmm, that's fucked up."

Why was no one giving a shit while he was alive? Where were all of you?

Beautiful things die or are trampled underfoot. Someone do an autopsy to see what size sneaker prints were on his throat.

Lucas.

Silver Bullet.

Dream a little dream for us, won't you please?

I remember when that movie came out. Where I went to high school, fashion was Levi's and Ocean Pacific. Except for the Michael Jackson nods, that was a damn fine movie.

Ramble, ramble...

I have an IPPS review coming up at work, and I'm sure to fail. I'm beginning to not care, though.

We are set up to fail, unless we have something they want. Like pouty lips or breastices...

I wish I could set up a direct link to my brain, so whoever can pick through it and take what they wanted. I tire of this now...

2010-03-07T12:14:00.002-06:00

I was going to join the masquerade but the Metro was late. I walked the whole way and it took my breath away...

Ha, I saw I have a follower. Waiting to see if I make the news? I'm more into the post humous accolades myself. Checked his site, loved the Michael Jackson pic with the black kid with the cum moustache. If that were really McDonald's, you'd probably have to pay extra for that...

Me tired. Yesterday I had sushi, mainly eel. I also did the Mongolian style barbecue, I think it was undercooked because I had severe abdominal pain until I passed out this morning. Add the fact that I threw some Wheaties Fuel and chipotle drenched beef ribs on top of it, and we are talking sphincter sphuckeduppedness to the Nth degree.

Sooooooo much shit I should be doing right now but I'm the most unmotivated piece of schnizz on the planet. Supposed to be learnin' myself on the finer points of... I dunno, crap about my work. Don't wanna, will probably fail. But then I can get the extra retraining. Either way, fuck whoever. Another way to pick off the undesirables or the lackadaisical...?

So I haven't seen anything since last weekend and The Crazies. How to follow up something that good? Not with Johhny Dippstick, that's for sure. And WTF?!?!?

Is there some kind of wierdo club, where you have to sip Absynthe and tease you hair like Tim Burton or have a big ol' misshapen Bonham Carter bullom head?

Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands were perfection, why so many misses with those hits, Tim? Especially looking back at his take on Batman: middle aged, complete with receding hairline and pot belly. I would love to be a director. I'm already ADD, so as long as someone kept me paid, I could churn shit out left and right. Yes, there would at least one zombie flick every year. Yes, I would still obsess over Asia Argento. No, I would not back down on my promise to refuse to work with actors I didn't like simply based on how much I hate their unrealistic beliefs. Yes, I would still do a Depeche Mode film. And the answer to today's secret question is...

Yes, but not if they were still breathing. I guess if it were during their last few gasps, it is possible. HOWEVER: As long as they never look at your face, and you're 100% sure your reflection hasn't given you away anywhere else, then sure dood. Why not? And as far as finding out if you're a non-secreter, I guess you can always get tested out. I'm personally sticking with the shaving of all body hair, coupled with freshly bought used clothing and scavenged hairs from biker bar urinals to sprinkle all over the scene. Hope that helped...

Is the video done uploading yet? I know it's on the Youtube thing at the top, but it sounds better here and it is a damn fine mix. One of the few bands my sister, Sandy, liked that was decent were/was a band called Berlin. the chick was fine and she had a fantastic voice. I always knew she'd be hot when she got older, and boy was I right.

Mexican Standoff...

2010-03-06T03:18:00.004-06:00

Life:101.
Grow a beard, tape it up, surround yourself with gold and slaves, then bury yourself with them.
Compassion versus control.
There is never an equal pull upon things. Perfect balance would mean there was no point, no...
Fervor for the flavor?
Dreams versus reality.
They are that which drive us. Were we to pitch our tents and put away arms, we'd be lost...
Is it in our nature?
Man versus machine.
Ending fart sequence. In the end, it seems almost pointless. The fervor that everyone spouts with foam filled mouths...
Beginning smell sequence.
Loved and lost? Tasted things you shouldn't have? You know of nothing, as do I... not... know anything either.
I'm just here along for the ride. Will we burn, will we fade, will we triumph?
I am paradox, I am the Alpha and Omega.
I am nonsense, yet I'm the reason in the rhyme.
You, they, will make of me what you will. And I will do the same.

Sometimes I am the prophet. Sometimes I am the fool.
Some days are better than others...
Whatever you do, don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

Handouts and Heartbreaks...

2010-03-02T17:34:00.003-06:00

My thoughts on it all? Hmmmmm.
Were there other highly intelligent beings, or even earlier humans, that roamed this putrid shithole of a planet before us?
I put down the black guitar, enough of that tomfoolery for a moment and ponder what I'd just pondered...
I can see it. Apparently we as a current species have the ability to analyze the fuck out of everything, then endlessly come up with formulas and solutions which will all make it better in the end.
Yet somehow we always forget to put all this knowledge to use. The whole population down to each individual person...
I don't remember what it was like to have faith in people, to look for the good in them, let alone find it. I only see the things that give me disdain and disbelief in our future.
I read a bunch of stuff about all the pharoahs of Egypt. Thousands of years of murder, degradation, abuse, oppression...
And so we see nothing has changed. We learn nothing from the past.
Nothing.
Well... maybe how to better manipulate how we're fucking our neighbor without them going, "Heyyyyy, that fucker shit in my mouth like this last week. I ain't falling for it again."
It's funny how life seems to have its ebbs and flows, its peaks and valleys as such.
In an honestly written blog, through the years, you will see this in all its fluidity. Surely this was visible in mein own personal blog, at least to an outside observer.
It would be great to secretly add extra side content for my own viewing remembrances.
Only I know what was going on in my life, my head, my everything, when I put finger to keyboard.
Right now my personal life as well as my work life are still in a tumble always.
I want things.
Give them to me.
Ha, I'm tired of standing here with my hand out...
Icarus wants to fly again, but is afraid of the sun's dangerous beams.
Coming atcha!!!

A Question of Lust...

2010-02-23T12:45:00.002-06:00

How true. But who is right, who is wrong? Isn't it all a matter of perspective?

How many people will champion the beliefs of those who elected them to do so, even when it didn't mesh with their own personal opinions?

So how do you balance doing what is right, in your own head, with doing what others want from you?

I was a union steward a long time ago, and occasionally I was forced to go against my better judgement and do the job that was given to me when I couldn't convince a person to do the right thing. 99% of the time I could reason with someone, other times it was just going through the motions to appease them in their ill fated excursion of dumbassedness.

Some people will not be reasoned with. But then again, I'd probably be described as one of the same.

Is this a fault? When, or if, I realise I'm in the wrong, I fess up. Or try to. Ok, not always...

Do we need a hive mentality to survive? I can see the pros and cons of individuality. I just can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Is greed good, or is giving it all the right thing to do?

I think my online argument rarely goes down in flames, unless I get hotheaded and just let fly.

Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm sure I had a point in there somewhere. Am I ever wrong? Yes. I also believe I learn from it. Do I believe that what I learn does anything more than further my resolve at being a hermit someday...?

Remains to be seen.

Mammy, Mammy, Speak To Me, Mammy...

2010-02-09T23:04:00.004-06:00

Howdeh yawls!
Today, at my work, I had to do some stupid training on something I'm never going to do, at least not there...
So my hand hurt from having to take notes. I passed with an 88%, which is better than people who did that job all the time. I also passed it on my first try, unlike most of them. They think I'm stupid, and were expecting me to fail. Some of these people are on their fourth try to pass it. Who's the fucking retard?
So anyway, there is a chick there that plays up to all the old pervs I work with. So she's getting help for stuff that we are going to get rated on. He informed me of impending evaluaion time, and when I asked for help or some tutoring, he looked like he didn't care to bother. Too bad I don't have titties.
Fuck 'em.
I wanted to go home today at 10 and stone, but I was doing that crap til 1pm. I left at 130.
Just thought I'd check in, I hope to be her more. And to put stuff on my blog that will wow and bedazzle. You may even be hornswaggled!
I have a headache, my hand hurts, and I have two more days of work. I also heard more snow is on the way. Damn you, Punxsutawney Phil!!!
Goodnight all. I sleep for now.
Or finish some Letterman.
It's all circular. Is it all coming back to me now?
Speak to me, Mammy?!?!?

Alcoholics Abdominus...

2010-02-07T01:19:00.003-06:00

Assume the position... I watched to some vlogs on A.A. and was left with pretty much the same feelings as before.
Why? Because I'd already seen it unfurl before mein own eyes.
They want to exercise their authority over other members, or feed the monstrous beast that they'd not defeated but only cloaked it in the fur of an less predatory animal.
The beast that is pride. Ok, now let's change poses...

So add this disheartening knowledge to the fact that this cowboy needs to put his big pants on and get some shit done. Learn how to not shrivel up inside on the go and never look back.
I'm watching Letterman, pre and post NBC debacle. Inspirational guy. What happened to him was kind of like when the one skater had her boyfriend smack another skater in the knee so she'd get her spot in the Olympics or whatever.
Next one please, do it slowly. It's a toughie...

Different hypotheses fly past at blinding speed then become theory only long enough to be dashed upon the rocks of my ever brooding brow.
What will you do?
What a workout...

Brain Candy...

2010-02-06T15:35:00.002-06:00

We went to see The Lovely Bones last night. Surprisingly, it was very good, though they could've went a little less on the trippy world that she was in after she died.
Strong B+, and that place was still pretty packed for a movie that's been out awhile...

So anyway, the vacation I took for my broken hand is nearly over. Tomorrow is the Superbowl, go Saints, and then back to work. Hope my hand can take it.

I've also done alot of thinking about everything. I'm not going into detail right now over it, but hopefully there will be some kind of change in my demeanor and what not. An overnight success story?
Hardly. But I've found, especially from drawing on past experiences, that no one is drawn to Negative Nancys. Once I get ME going again, I don't plan on travelling the same road I was on before.
Instead of a walk towards a wealth of knowledge and contented funjinx, it was more like a parade of fools.
A parade of one, at least.
You find yourself on a float, all gaudily decked out and arms flailing at the masses. Sure, they are picking up the candies you are tossing out so grandly at them. But then you feel a sting in your cheek.
They are throwing it all right back at you!!!

I don't even LIKE candy...

One Singular Sensation...

2010-02-01T14:00:00.004-06:00

Ha, that's what it feels like right now. Surrounded by laughing, leering dickwads...
I started to get better, I started to get over, I started to pick up pieces of wisdom and reality...
Then I weakened and let Lucy pull the football away from Charlie Brown yet again.
When you're down I think you put out some kind of vibe. It tells everyone that you are damaged and need to be stayed away from. Yet you are the only one seemingly unaware of this. It's like being the kid sent home from school with headlice, except no one bothered to tell him he even had it. I tire of it all.

You realise that cutting the ties to all those things you thought you needed, more like needlessly wanted, is what's best for you. It still doesn't make them any easier.
One singular sensation, a tie that doesn't bind...
Instead more of a blind.
I can't even say what is in my head anymore. I want to be a mindless robot like the rest of the world or so fucking fearless that it pushes me over the top. Would it be better to have spent my last four plus years never knowing what it tasted like again? With the explosion of warmth it envelopes you with also comes the bled out feelings of despair and anguish when it is gone.
You question them.
You question yourself.
You question everything. The point of it all. Where it went wrong, where it could've been done differently, where, where, why?
In the end, you realise that the things you pine for are already gone. I don't presume to have any inklings of WTFness. As you can see, I'm a physically and emotionally scarred person.
Was I born for this, or just more prone to?
I can always remember being an emotional child. I remember feeling sadness at an early age, of crying alot. But I also remember being a fighter, of thinking that no matter what was piled on top of me, I'd get mein's. This hope lasted me until I was out of my teens. Sure, I'd seen loneliness and heartache, I'd seen the ravaged battlefield strewn with the corpses of friends and lovers...
There is a point in life where you are forced into the cruel hustle and bustle of being an ADULT.
Apparently this is when you have your dreams dashed and learn to settle. Every last thing that gives you pleasure is slowwwwwly drained away until you are left bitter and pessimistic.
You'd think that everyone else would be in the same mood, hoping to connect, hoping to rekindle the fire they'd lost. They are just as closed and jaded as you are, or are in the upswing and oblivious to your negativity.
Can't be having that, it rubs off dontcha know?!?!?
Maybe we all need balls on our chins so that every time we forgot we have a pair, all we need to do is thoughtfully stroke our chins for guidance. Or maybe someone could give us a good flicking when we are being total pussyfarts.
I can't wait to see what I'm like when my heart has hardened again. Will I shy away from the ones who need some compassion the most? Or even just give them some sort of hope that they will overcome?
Pride is deadly and those around you drool over your impending doom. That is just how it goes.
Ramble, ramble...
Bleak, I know. Hey, at least Avatar beat stupid Titanic. I hated that movie. Chicks make their men endure that crap, then they rerelease it so we're forced again. I didn't agree with the anti US sentiment in Avatar at times, but it was alot better than that farce of a movie.
I would love to make movies, to write them and see them made into reality onscreen by mein own loving hands. They'd never see the light of day. You guys want fresh, new, beautiful faces, or giant blue cat people...
I don't get you lot. I feel like Lestat. Time to board up and peek at you through the cracks awhile. See what you wierd sonsabitches are up to.
And hey, at least I've been hitting this blog some. It's always fun to look back and see where your heart/head was.
Or wasn't...

The Bombing of Your Stealth...

2010-01-23T23:36:00.004-06:00

So I'm sitting here listening to Gordon Gano and the Ryans. I love his music and The Violent Femmes are pretty sweet themselves. Thanks for ripping Under the Sun for me, Ed.
When I was still in high school, while I was working at Wendy's, I met this half black/Nicaraguan girl who was into the Femmes. Apparently into me too, which was nice...
She unfortunately, apparently, had a boyfriend who realised it was apparently apparent that I was, apparently, doinking his girlfriend. Then, after a brief time together, she told me she was pregnant.
I knew this not to be true. So it was time to flee. But I always loved the Femmes, and actually saw them awhile back and posted it, and pics, to this very blog.
I know It's True But I'm Sorry to Say is one of the best songs in the world.

Do animals feel emotion? Do they feel regret?
I don't see any de-evolution in our future, so it'd be nice if someone would just put a kill switch on us. One that turns off the things that fill our heads with hope, then our bellies with sour grapes...

We saw Legion. It sucked, especially after the only thing messing with them were some fruity looking angels with bulletproof wings.
C-.
I'd more recommend this album I'm hearing right now.
I was liking it, but nothing seemed to be standing out to me until I heard Better Than You Know.
Buy this, or see him or the Femmes in concert.
You can't ask more from the dyin'...

Ha, even the angel and devil on my shoulders have left. They told me to try Mapquest instead.
Or Ask Jeeves.
After four years of sobriety, and several years of hellish descent after, I've once again taken up the mantle of posterboy for how not to live your life. My broken hand has mostly healed, though still a few months away from perfection, and seems to heal better than an internal orgal that needs no mention.
I'm just fucking mean, to myself and everyone around me.
I'm beginning to believe there is no cure. There is only being numb.

This would be a great time to be sent to war. I wouldn't care who I had to mow down just to... to... to... transfer the pain to someone else. Get it all out, tear something to shreds. It'd be even better if I could use my bare hands.
Yes, my hand will get better. The other things will take years of solitary confinement to get through...
And I will no longer break promises, especially to meinself.
I will fucking drive you all away, then I will achieve what I want. No need for your validation(my trepidation), your progress reports(my indignant retorts), your adulation(my evisceration).
The hunger in my stomach will fuel the hunger I have for perfection.
Freedom.
From the ties that bind.
Here's to your health.
And the bombing of your stealth...

No One Wins in a Headbutt...

2010-01-17T17:24:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone. How is your new year going so far?
Good, good...
Oh, mine?
Ehhhhhh...
So anyway, I broke my hand on New Year's and I didn't see a doctor while I was on vacation.
I thought it would heal so sue me. Now I'm waiting to get in to a specialist Wednesday. I hope they don't have to rebreak my hand. This morning I jerked my pinkie back on the door in the bathroom. I don't think it's healing on its own.
Not good.
So I've barely worked and have seen a buttload of movies. The Book of Eli, Avatar, The Blind Side, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Youth in Revolt, Precious, and mostly everything has been ok, nothing special. I really liked Up in the Air and Daybreakers. Sherlock Holmes, the Chipmunks, the Morgans, and a few others have been stinkers.
Tonight I'm thinking about The Road. It looks nice and slowwwwwww, desolate and depressingly dark. I didn't even think it was coming out around here...
As far as what I'm going to do or how long I'm going to be off, I have no idea yet. I'll probably be up to no good, you can bet on that.
I have, however, stopped drinking and smoking. I've stayed pretty strong since day one of 2010 so wish me luck. I still chew tobacco, but not nearly as much and am hoping to wean myself away from it.
Also, lots of exercise. I've been trying to snack only on fruits and vegetables, not much meat other than fish and chicken breast oven baked, and lots of fiber.
That has been the hardest, not cheating or eating late at night. I need to get regular sleep hours as well. Since my hand is broken, I will run and work out my legs until I can play catch up with my upperbody. At least it'll be easier with no flab hanging off me.
I tried to see how much weight I could gain before 2010, but only got up to 191. I think I'm hanging around 180 at the moment. I want to get superlean at about 150-160, then add nothing but muscle after that and stay around 180-190.
Once I start turning on the body sculpting part, I won't put so much into running myself to death like before. That, my lack of eating enough meat or drinking enough water, added to really poor sleeping habits is what killed me in the end. Not to mention other things heaping stress on top of that...

Pride is a dangerous monster. It is easy to feel invincible when heads turn at your every passing.
Oblivious to the warning signs and barricades plowed over, you dunder onwards toward ever nearing doom.
Then you wake up dazed. You've been in a coma for months, possibly years.
You can take the face warmer off now, nurse.
Dreams and plans have turned to dust and blown away.
The complete spectrum of emotions has been run through, you've a sneaking suspicion that it may have been worse than just being all in vain.
Imagine if Buck Rogers had been found, but no so far in the future as he had. Just far enough ahead so that everyone moved on, forgot about him. Found a new life, said to hell with his reckless ass.
Does the dream, like the finish line in a marathon, not hurt so much if you quit after the first mile as opposed to being just so... nearly within reach, yet not so?
At least if you woke up in the 25th century, you could get the shock out of the way from the get go.
To coexist with the beautifully blinding sun, yet to never feel its soothing warmth nor bathe in its light...
To be consumed by darkness instead?
At least there won't be any more crazed, drunken ranting for a very long time.
I never read The Catcher in the Rye, but I read alot about it last night. I'm thinking about finding it. Don't worry, no kooky plans here. They said it's been copied in alot of movies, many of which I liked. I was born in 1972, so I don't see why it would've been banned in the 80's or anything. They made us read things like H.G. Wells and Mark Twain. Although The Time Machine and The Invisible Man were influential in my interests, this book around age 14-16 might have rocked my world.
Amazingly, my favorite book as a kid was Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I still think it's a work of genius that was atrociously dishonored by a movie. If someone ever really tried to make that... WOW.
I also read Stephen King from my older sister, who we all thought was some kind of witch. You have no idea how many times she tried to kill me, even as a baby. But that is another story.
I liked IT, and would love to read The Stand. Most of his stuff was crap though.
As a teen I moved to graphic sci fi/ fantasy, via AD&D Forgotten Realms. Call me a book nerd, but alot of those were #1 best sellers. I also got into alot of Jim Morrison poetry. Wierd.
Now I read anything I can get my hands on. I haven't read anything in a long time, the only thing I have in the bathroom is my handheld Yahtzee game. I'm getting tired of it. Time to find this Catcher in the Rye feller...
So anyway, there's more in this little head but I fear to tread there on this blog. I doubt anyone reads this, but still...
I feels nekked.
If I started another blog, I'd just kill it in anguish like the other.
But regardless what happens in this silly little soap opera called life, remember this:
At some point the zombie horde will sweep across the planet anyway, and the less weight dragging you down the better. They usually make you go back and rescue their poor little puppy or something else sickeningly cute and idiotically innocent.
That's when you get bit. Do you chop off that limb, or do you bind it in hopes of a miracle cure?
One's a surefire way to save yourself excruciatingly fruitless suffering in the long/short run, but you ain't gonna be doing any sweeet Eddie Van Halen licks ever again.
The other is, well... what it is. You drag your semi bloody ass around trying to get right, and in the end you still succumb.
Hmmmm, seems an easy enough decision.
How come I never see any footprints heading down that path...?

Just Us...

2010-01-01T13:11:00.004-06:00

I think I'm dying inside...
Monetize, this neatly packaged bird has flown.
Fuck you, world.
Fuck you, world.

Push, Push, Push...

2010-01-01T05:06:00.002-06:00

FFF. Tonight I will shed alot of things. I'm tired of feeling pain all the time. I'm tired of fighting it all. I will win and fuck everyone in the process. By the way, I think I broke my hand. Again...
I'm seriously thinking aboiut starting it all over online and forgetting about all this nonsense. And I will say I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. I never meant for this to be as it is now. You think I wanted to be sitting here wondering WTF?
No.
It is amazing that the worst recession since the last big one in the 30's wiped me out. All of my plans, all of my fucking dreams, they are all gone. Even my daydreams are fucking nightmares. I'm tired of seeing how the world lives its life, it is a fucking farce. Every dream I had crumbled. Every life I've lived has went to shit. Help. I've fallen and I won't give up, lol. I just gotta win, damn it. I just gotta...

Growing On...

2009-12-20T08:13:00.003-06:00

I can't wait for this movie to come out, Grown Ups. I wish Norm McDonald and a few other people had bigger parts. And it would've been nice if Chris Farley were still around to join in the festivities...
Hell, everybody in the Sandler Universe could drop in. Throw Jon Heder in there, Dante, Allen Covert, Nick Swardson, John Turturro, Luis Guzman, anyone else I forgot to mention.
You know that shit would blow up.
It almost looks like it's going to be sappy, like Funny People. I liked that one, but it was more sad than anything else.
With all those guys, I want them to pile on the condiments until the heaven's are breached. So to speak...
It would be fun if they all got together and did a superhero movie, nothing serious. Or some kind of crazy wierdness, off the wall, a definite WTF.
I'd like to see them do another good stoner movie with Adam Sandler in there too, but I know he's gotta keep that semi squeaky clean image.
I know this is going to be one of those "we're older now so let's shape up after we relive some of the fun one last time" kinda deals. I don't mind as I'm nearing the 40's myself and it strikes a chord. I'd lke for them to do something a little more out there, maybe playing some wierd ass characters. Maybe once they get all this out of the way...
Softies.
I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night and it was fantastic. Lots of blood, lots of vengeance.
Ummmmmmm, strong B+. While not good enough to elicit a higher rating from me, it did have alot of strong points. Worth seeing on the bigscreen. Pay attention, though, or you will miss a few good splatters. Soon, Avatar. But probably not today because I haven't slept yet and it's 8:30 am. There is also football on so...
Time to pass the fudge out.

What, No Johnny...?

2009-12-13T11:55:00.002-06:00

Yeah, that's about as racist as you can get.
I think there is a litle something inside me that wants to drive everyone away. To be the black sheep, so to speak...
I'm combative, I'm off keel. Find the center, even if it is nothing more than some cheap ass bubble gum that stales almost immediately.
My poor ferret. She threw her cage on the ground, I'm surprised she isn't hurt.
Trauma...

Rotting on the Vine...

2009-12-07T18:09:00.003-06:00

The journey one takes to whatever it is that they think they need to survive is a long and arduous one...
It is not for the faint of heart, or for the weakest of wills. It is a metamorphasis, a changing of the guard, so to speak...
To strip oneself of the tainted foolishness that comes with the newly garbed and the freshly picked, right off the vine...
Oh, to live in the phantasmal. To run fingers through the ripple and to feel it's soothing liquid refreshment upon parched lips...
And then to find oneself standing on a distant precipice, afraid to leap. The dream has been lost, and victory has been snatched this day...
If such is the case...

Then why is THIS guy so pissed off.
BOOYAH!!!
Sorry, where were we?

I'm really tired for some reason and kind of dizzy/headachy. What to do, what to do?
"The Devil's work for idle hands," they say...
If I won the Powerball, I would offer to take my half and live the life of a hermit. I need only a few people to ever come visit me. The rest can just fuck off. I can do all my bills and banking online, and live somewhere way the fuck out there. Somewhere that still has internet and satellite cable...
I can bring back all the cool shit to play with, have food brought in once a week that I order, and have all the equipment and outside area to work out and run.
Live some kind of fish and plantlife type diet and commune with nature, ALONE.
Grow some killer buds, and forget the wearies of this shithole. It is a symphony of worldly clamours...
Someone shut it the fuck up.

Poof...

2009-11-28T13:43:00.002-06:00

No feeling. No feeling. No feeling for anybody else, except for myself. My beautiful selfish...

Your daddy's gone away, be back another day. See his picture hanging on the walllllllll...

I think it takes a special breed to...

Not give a fuck. Soon I will be one of those. I want to do things like jumping out of a plane. The only problem will be whether or not I will pull the ripcord.

Although I always saw myself dying by fire, or electricity. Or an electrical fire...

I'm indestructible, or I'm the Terminator.

Come with me if you want to live.

Gawd save the Queen.

Potential H bomb.

When a Plan Comes Together...

2009-11-23T21:43:00.002-06:00

Yeah, he could use some serious eyebrow trimming action. I know this. He knows this.
I just got back from seeing Couples Retreat. Of course everyone ends up in danger of splitting, but in the end they all find what it was that they'd lost: each other.
Barf.
Another message to listen to, to be wary of things...
Ehhhh. Real life isn't like this. It is bitter, and vengeful. It is spiteful , it is...
Just bullshit. Everything that we are fed, it is just some bogus fantasy where we tell ourselves that the whole point of being isn't just to end up in misery. Stuck. I go to work and I see everyone pairing up. It amazes me that people get mad when you talk to the person they're messing around with there. I always tell them if they have a problem, I can take it up with their wife instead. I don't care anymore as far as all that is concerned.
I don't ever want to play that wierd game, be part of all that. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. Now I don't even want to talk about any of it.
I still feel deep waves of who knows what the fuck but now it doesn't seem to pitch me as far down, or maybe I'm just numb and used to it. When I can forget it isn't so bad. It is just the times that I'm forced to remember...
So Couple's Retreat was decent. I had a few chuckles, and overall it wasn't too bad. I give it a B.
I posted on the Chiefs before, and had planned on going somewhere to watch the game. By the time I got everyone ready, they were losing. We went anyway, and miraculously they pulled it out. A win in overtime is still a win, and against the Superbowl Chumps no less.
Sorry Big Ben. Sleepytime, she comes...
That made me feel better. My team is on a two game win streak.
So one more day of work and it's turkey time. I know I keep saying it, but it is time to get back to where I was. Forget all the crap, focus. Focus. Focus.
No distractions.
No one fucking up my plan.

Wait, what plan...?
Where's Hannibal when you need him?
Instead I get Mr. Peepers.

Sparkle Suck...

2009-11-22T12:53:00.003-06:00

I think I understand the true meaning of it all, but it doesn't make anything easier. Or take the sting out of it...

Runaway trains usually tend to run out of track at some point, or hit something hard and unyielding. Then it is time to sift through the wreckage. Any survivors...?

Nothing is left now but silent screams. The licking of the wounds would be the next logical step, though logic has had little to do with the mess up to this point.

I saw New Moon. It sucked as bad as Twilight. I had to go home and shower off the GAY when it was over. Sparkly vampires, indeed...

F+.

Now, onto other things: erm... ahhh... ummm...

Hopefully Kansas City will not get donkey punched by Pittsburg today. They were up a touchdown, but are losing by 3 now. If they pull off the upset, I will do several things I need to do with more enthusiasm. This is the promise I now make to myself.

I wish there was a happy button. I would never take my finger off of it.

But then again, if I did that it might not feel so special. I guess shit has to suck part of the time.

Go figure...

2009-11-20T15:44:00.002-06:00

I'm almost done mourning, I'm almost done hardening my heart one last time. It is a fucking cat and mouse game, isn't it?
You want, others want, and then everybody wants. I'm torn between being self deluded and being semi right. Who knows which is which in this crazy, mixed up world...?
All I know is I've fallen farther than I've ever fallen before. If I come out of this alive I will be less than I was if that makes sense.
The only way us to conform, or die fighting it all. Nothing changes, when you sweep out the cobwebs, it begins anew. Blah blah blah.
I'm tired of talking, I want action. Blah blah blah, who cares right?

Glub, Glub, Glub...

2009-11-05T17:11:00.003-06:00

I had alot of trippy shit to say on my blog, then got baked and spaced out looking for a picture to accompany it.
I am home alone tomorrow. What shall we do?
"XBOX 360, RE5 perhaps...?"
A lil hund'rd proof?
Something better. I'm about to be off to a jr. high football game, which is going to be lame as fuck. Not as bad as watching two chicks play pool, but still.
As far as in personal life, I'm numb. But this weed is pretty stiff stuff, because it sure brings back the flavor at times. More like a boyish innocence occasionally makes its way to the surface, bobs a few times, then goes back under for a bit.
"Drowning?"
Or living, perhaps...?
What were the sounds of a drowning man again?
You tell me, I don't want to remember.
Switch on the globe. Darken the room and put some trippy lights on it.
I don't want to look at myself anymore. I want distraction.
I will have it...

E.B.D.'s...

2009-10-14T19:22:00.003-05:00

Hi everybody!!!
What's happening, how ya livin'?
The stickiest of the icky here. Or is that the ickiest of the sticky?
I'm the 311 man. I'm your nasty plaything, here I am...
I'm the b-side, better than the a-side. Flip me over and give me a spin...

So what have I been doing of lates? Other than late nights with Bea Arthur and the American Gladiators? Waking up to the sounds of mein own screams? Going to sleep to the sounds of mein own screams?
Right now I'm watching Bob Ueker on Letterman, and laughing my balls off.
Shaking off the dust, buffing out the rust..
Fixing to go for bust. If I must...
Ha!
Tonight will be flautas, an they are mighty fine. I often get them at Mexican restaurants, but like all of their food, much better made at home than by some sweaty illegal who hasn't yet grasped the concept of handwashing and its connection to explosively bloody diarrhea...

To Be Pegged...

2009-09-30T23:48:00.002-05:00

What else has he done? Voicework as the Joker on a cartoon. Oh, how far we have fallen.
He hasn't aged well, as hasn't Carrie Fisher. Who knows, I'm... uhhh... I will admit I've masturbated to her in the 80's in that golden bikini, choking the living shit out of Jabba.
Who hasn't?
Sad that he never got any other kind of work. Harry Potter will see the same. The only one who ever broke out was Harrison Ford.
Leave me alone. I'm on a mission to see if there is a horseshoe buried wat up deep in his ayass...
Surrogates earlier tonight. I give it a strong B+. Him being in it dropped it down a notch. The story broght it back up to where it is now. Deal with it.
"Controlling, she says..."
I call bullshit.
Yet what good does it do in the end?
Exactly. Amazingly, right now the only voice in my head is my own. Who is there in the end? Ask yourself that in regards to your own life.
How righteous are your morals?
I would love to hear what someone who read this through from the beginning interprets this.
I bet they would totally misinterpret this.
This is a pining.
This is remorse.
The end of pity, of mourning.
"A rebirth?"
Hardly.
Unless I stop breathing, it is PUNCH OR GET OUT until I die. Headache/heartache is something that seems to be a concurrent them in my life. I guess I'm deadset on not giving up.
"She said you're trouble."
The Devil.
What us the most fucked up

Unentangled...

2009-09-25T17:09:00.003-05:00

I am the craziest person I know. I will erase this tomorrow or whenever. Right now I can't even see straight. I'm so fucked up right now, if I left this unedited you'd have no idea, as wouldn.t I, as wouldn't I, as wouldn't I...
Fuck the Joker, I am the New World Madman. I await further instruction...
Punch or get out...

And They're Off!!!

2009-09-13T16:04:00.002-05:00

Well, the first game of the season is in the books, and it seems my beloved Chiefs were not on the winning end of it all.

At all.

Not true, and I'm sure all the football guys will fail to notice that KC hung in there until about three minutes left in the game. The stats and final score are a bit misleading. The commentators and the referees were pretty much against us, and it was thinly veiled at times. I will say we held our own for most of the game, and didn't look bad at all. After next week with Oakland, we will easily be 1-1. We could've used this win, but worse things could've happened.

Cassell better be worth 65 million.

And he better be zinging footballs like a madman next week. We need an air game, they ran alot at first. Open the field up a bit first. Then lob one off to the side and let Larry Johnson do what he does best.

And no, I'm not talking about spitting on chicks at the local nightclub.

Fuck Ray Lewis, and that Flacco guy, too. Whoever was calling the game had nothing but gushy, gooey things to say about those guys. I thought KC had a better defense at times than the Ravens. That safety should've counted, and maybe they would've went for two on that first touchdown. That crap changed completely how the game turned out.

I do believe KC has a really good chance at turning out pretty darn good, espicially after hanging in there with Baltimore like they did.

Hope Haley stays on their butts. Hope Cassell takes command. Hope, hope, hope.

2009-09-06T15:16:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite movies of all time. I really think this needs a reboot. I read all the Destroyer books way back when, and they need, need, need, a reworking. Unfortunately, Fred Ward was the perfect man for the jerb. Remo was the perfect man for the jerb, he just didn't give a fuck. I love this movie, I loved the books. Why can't they make this happen?

No Picture to Share...

2009-09-04T12:38:00.002-05:00

Monetize. Just what the fuck does that mean?
And just how much is a human life worth? I'm trying to sort through this shit myself.
I will feel again when our lips touch,
I will feel again, I promise,
I will feel again when it doesn't mean much,
I will feel again when there are things I miss.
I will feel again when my life isn't so chaotic,
I will feel again when it doesn't hurt to feel,
My face feels a tick,
My face feels as if not real,
at times,
My fucking life,
It makes me sick.
I'm good , though, dood. Dood. Dood.
Dood.
I love how when you are at your lowest point everyone up and leaves you. You are worthless. Ha, am I?
I want to scream, I want to hit things. No one seems to be on my side. This is the worst time of my life, but I will be ok. In the end I will be emotionless. I will be like the rest of you. I will(not) think of only myself. I will(not) be motivated by greed. I will(not) be true to the earning of a buck. (Not) (Not).
I saw the Time Traveller's Wife. It was really good. I cried like three times. I saw many parallels in my life, without the love he had. And I broke my finger. It really fucking hurts and I have no recollection of how I did it. I woke up today and my foot hurt, and they were superdirty. I took my kid to the doctor today and I noticed my feet. Looks like a dirty hippy who trampled through a field of shit.
Such is my life, so who cares, right?
I think I'm going crazy sometimes, or am I just feeling? I am so used to being alone, and not caring. I can't even cry anymore. When I don't care, we are all in big trouble. It is much more than just not shaving or cutting my hair. I shuffle my feet, I look at people, yet I don't match eyes.
Like a butterfly, I will open up, I will...
I will.
Then what?

Love, Love, Love...

2009-08-21T01:47:00.003-05:00

Comedy. Sympathy. Tragedy. I am the phoenix reborn. Will I learn from history or am I dooooomed. Dooooooomed to repeat it? Man, this will either be a seriously hawt ass serial killer blog, or it will peter out. Peter out...
My heart constantly falls. Not like a dip, more like a plunge.
I want many things I cannot ever have. I'm good though. Reborn, like Captain America. The first weapon, the first weapon. I am going to start a blog, and no one here will partake of it.

Taint Gonna Happen...

2009-08-10T10:03:00.004-05:00

Put the needle on the record when the drumbeat goes like this:
"Untz untz... untz untz untz!"
Techno?!?!?
I have moved out of my computer room, and now all my shizz is nestled snugly in the corner of my bedroom. It was nice watching TV on hulu with my pc, instead of being forced to see whatever is being thrown out there on DISH. I'm also getting shit squared away so I can start doing things with my webcam, maybe do a little vlogging. The lighting is way better in here anyway so...
I also have a little handheld cam, but you gotta have an assload of lighting for that, so it's pretty much an outside thang. Either way, now I can share the gloriousness of my ferret. However, I got rid of the guinea pig over the weekend. That piece of crap was a waste of space. All I did was feed and water it, then it would fill its cage with poo and peeness, I'd clean it, and the process would start again. I couldn't sneak around the house for shit either, anytime she knew I was around, or heard me crinkling anything, she'd start shrieking because she was always hungry.
Or I'd be fucking busy, and she'd bite the bars on the cage. That can be extremely distracting when you are trying to do yo thang...
"Not cool at all."
Taint a good thang...
So I'm not missing her in the least, and I told my kid that her friend better not try to give it back. All sales final, even though it was free. And, hey, I threw in a whole giant back of feed AND bedding. Out of my hands now...
We saw A Perfect Getaway yesterday, and it was pretty decent. Steve Zahn was awesome as always, but something about Milla just bugs me. I don't find her attractive. And I knew they were the bad guys all along, the mistake of reading the wiki synopses beforehand. They didn't spoil it, but they mentioned the mother of all twists. And they tried to make it look like everyone they met up with on the Hawaiian trails was the creepiest couple you could ever possibly not want to meet up with... on said trails. I give it a solid B, but it could've done alot more with what they had. Delusional, crack loving lovers stealing people's very lives, let alone their identities.
What else can I think of? Ummmm, on vacation this week, gonna do some stuff around the house. I'm getting my insurance check finally, and it's about $3200, and that is nice to have coming in. I'm turning my computer room into my daughter's new bedroom, and I gotta buy a new dresser and bed. A few other things. She can set up her guitar in there, and I'm not sure if they are going to move the drumset out or not. Jam out!!!
"Is this guy for realz?!?!?"
Boring.
Geez, whadya want, for me to be all bleak, and how much life sucks, and wah wah wahhhh?
When I get my money, I will also be making a cage for my ferret, probably behind me. She will not like this, as she has never been caged, but I have to do this. She likes to poop wherever, and I can't seem to get her house trained. She will use the litter box when I catch her getting ready, but otherwise she doesn't seem to care.
This blog seems to have degenerated into poo and pee, body parts and drugs, murder and mayhem. At least this entry, so on that note...
I will bid you adieu.

Yes, I Fucking DID...

2009-08-04T21:48:00.003-05:00

So many people laying the Hassle on me. I don't care. You can't get blood out of a turnip...
Not sure, but I layed out alot of uhhhhhh................ catch phrases today.
"Even the sun shines on a dawg's ass sometimes..."
DEJA VU?!?!?
Wah wahhhhh.
"Feel like I've been kicked away from the table for farting..."
Move ovah, boah...
I work alot and rarely sleep. I've noticed alot more grey, and even more facial wrinkles added upon that. Not really caring, yet not feeling complacent about all that. Did it before, ain't no thang to do it all again. Will get to the gym very soon. It is when I am in that mode that I am the most dangerous. Right now I work with really old people, I could learn alot from them but they piss me off so...
"I hate to watch them eat..."
Chewing.
Ha, you fucking people, you believe in so many things, yet have no idea.
Funny people. The Sandman knows what the fuck I'm talking about. I will either go to see Phish, or I will miss out and do what finally needs to be done. I'm tired of lying, I'm tired of it all and not feeling anything emotionally. I'm tired of fucking everything...
I'm just plain tired. People want me to succeed. People want me to fail. In the end, I will not have anything I stoopidly want now. People still hang on my every word on a daily basis. It makes me sick. Live through your own self.
All the people I care about have forsaken me. No, wait, I have forsaken mein own self. I fucking warned you.
When I do this, I will be utterly alone. I will be utterly alone. Utterly alone. Repeat. Repeat. Just kidding...
Not that nutz, just a bit down. I've done this before, this time I will not ever fall in love with anyone. I will be happy to be alone, to lie to people for sex and affection.
Love is for suckers...